Day 514: Nothing to Say Pt 2

Mums the word, have you ever experienced wanting to say something or respond to something in an open forum, with friend, or in a group, that you just didn’t, or didn’t know how to put it in word in the moment and all of a sudden, someone else beat you to the punch, so to speak, where you end up saying, “That’s what I was thinking” and/or “I was going to say the same thing” but couldn’t spit it out fast enough? Well I have experienced this a lot and what happens can be summed up in a few ways, first off which is being the excuse of let’s see if someone else gets it first, then I’ll jump on the bandwagon (in essence), then you have (Me) with, what if my right answer isn’t right lol, in second guessing myself by say, ‘Naw, I’ll just wait’, then when someone else says the same thing, we’re like fuck, I should have said it, but a moment too late, because I placed myself one step behind and got sweep up in the thought of it all and there’s no way you can say anything after that, because you don’t want to be seen as a copycat (which is another judgment) and then you have, ‘No one really cares what I think anyway, so I’ll just listen and/or read”, which I’ve also experienced as well.

Within this what comes up is an extensive amount of comparison and fear, which stems from separation, but tell me this, if we all at some point come to or will come to the same realization point, as being one and equal with each other, how is it really possible to compare yourself with yourself, meaning it must be a mind thing, always putting this Big thought in our head, and in the way of forward progress, (need to take responsibility) showing that most of our thinking is about others, yes the 5 magic words = What Would They Think If…, but if you take the fear of what others would think out of the equation, then a lot more people would say a lot more things, share themselves/ourselves more, but instead we have become scared of being one word… Spited, so out of fear we’ll Spike our Sprite with Alcohol, in order to suppress the fear and then say something.

Then you have those of us who wants to uphold an image and not say nothing, because at one point in our life, we’ve been corrected in front of others, who we were trying to portray this image across to, so Although I might have something to say, I just won’t do it, unless I’m asked personally.

In looking at the saying; “Closed mouth won’t get fed”, this can mean a few things, growing up for me it meant, if I didn’t ask for something, I didn’t get it, which could also means, if you don’t ask questions, you’ll never know, until it’s probably too late and it seems as if I’m still dealing with this point, which is why I’m investigating more, it’s like I would rather hide behind the silence of things, instead of jumping right in, which calls for a Here-ness check, to see where am I in the moment of interacting with others, I mean we’re rarely here listening unconditionally to others, but instead thinking about what we want to say, when the right break comes, then add all that to how fast the conversation is moving at times and, you’ll/I’ll end up with nothing to say.

But change is looming, I see that within this, when looking back over my life, these aforementioned factor have limited me to not saying much and/or having nothing to say, which I can remember being frustrated at myself, but blaming other for not giving me the time and chance to explain myself and if I tried to keep up with them (in writing) in the moment, my word play gets jumbled up and when I end up taking the chance to say something, I’m stuttering the first few words out the box, so you see, I’ve created a process within myself, for myself where I have gotten to the point of telling myself, why say anything at all, if every time I want to say something, I have to go through this process of building myself up to do so = being too much in my mind.

And I have to say, although I see and experience myself changing this point within me, I still have a ways to go, I mean if it wasn’t for Desteni and the tools or Writing and Self-Forgiveness, I would still be a super quiet, staring you in the face type of dude, where whenever I’m around, needle drops, but now, I’m participating more and will more, until I get to the point of being able to see/listen, comprehend/understand and respond with something substantial that I’m living, have lived, and/or can put in words of understanding in the moment to live.

So what brought this point back to the forefront again is, the other day I was at the VA services office, going through a standard operating procedure that all Vet’s go through in seeing a psychologist, where as we were having a normal conversation and he was asking me the basic questions how are you doing and so on, of course I’m fine, but I wasn’t satisfied with how my responses didn’t just flow out, although I explained myself with ease, it wasn’t enough for me, which in a way is cool that I can see and more aware of myself, my speech, my words and what I say, but told myself that I needed to do more investigating to get to the root cause of this that I see as a small quirk within my programing, so that’s what I’m doing and in the next post, I’ll do some Self-Forgiveness to open up this point even more.

To be continued…