Continuing… For context refer to Day 514: Nothing to Say Pt 2
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience wanting to say something and/or respond to something in a private chat, with friends and in a group, that I just didn’t know how to put it in words in the moment and all of a sudden, someone else beat me to the punch so to speak, where I ended up reacting to it by saying; “That’s what I was thinking” and/or “I was going to say that same thing”, but I couldn’t spit it out fast enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within that, not just speak up and say it how it would come out, out of fear of what others would think about what I said and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others would think about what I say and so not say anything, to the detriment of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to second guess myself in thinking, what if my right answer is not right, instead of realizing there is not right or wrong answers, but how I experience myself according to the point/question I’m asked.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become frustrated that I didn’t say anything when asked a question, as a collective, then beat myself up about it, when someone else say what I wanted to say but didn’t, as I excused myself with telling myself that if I say something now I will be seen as a copycat, which is another way I have judged myself and separated myself from the point at hand.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for myself in speaking up and asking questions if I don’t initially understand something, but instead give into the idea of self-diminishment, diminishing myself by believing that I have nothing to say, while knowing that I need to say something.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have in the past upheld and image and not say anything, because as one point in my life, I’ve been corrected in front of other, who I was trying to portray this image across to, so although I might have something to say, because I have engrained this experience within and as me, of being corrected in front others, I just don’t say anything, unless I was asked a personal question.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in essence hide behind the silence of things, instead of jumping right in and interacting with others, participating in an interactive forum, which I must and will change and do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have, in my past rarely listened to others unconditionally, but instead, when I was supposed to be listening, I was thinking of what I wanted to say, when the right break came, which almost every time resulted in miscommunication with the person and/or I wasn’t able to comprehend what they said, in the long run.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, blame others for not giving me the time and change to explain myself, when it’s not their fault at all, but my own for living as the fear of embarrassment and within that, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to practice speaking, if the embarrassment is so much, why not expand myself, my vocabulary and redefine the way I communicate, which would then along with self-forgiveness, stop the embarrassment all together.
I forgive myself that I have accept and allowed myself to have put myself through a process, as this great build up or ritual of sorts in order to just say something, when all the while, I’m pulling and scratching to get out of my mind, not realizing a statement of me was being made in my silence, showing that I was too much in my mind and not here enough to comprehend what’s being said, thus I end up with nothing to say
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to what brought this on was being at the VA services office, where I was seeing a psychologist as a standard operating procedure that all Vets go through, where when I was asked how was I doing, I answer the question, fine of course, but became frustrated at how my responses didn’t flow out (although I explained myself with ease), I wasn’t satisfied and felt as if I wasn’t communicating effectively, by taking some time to answer simple questions, realizing now that I wasn’t 100% present but in my mind elsewhere, therefore I experience this lack of flow with my speech, so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in my mind and not present when at the VA service office, talking to a psychologist about how I was doing and experienced a lack of flow with my words coming out.
Seeing that one profound reason we believe we have nothing to say, is because, we’re too busy speaking in our minds to ourselves, with internal conversations and back chat, and by the time we snap back, it’s a bit too late, where we end up saying; “HUH”, “What” and/or asking them to repeat it again, which I have been guilty of, time and time again, so in my next post I will do some Self-Corrective and Commitment Statements on these points.
To be continued…