Day 515: Nothing to Say (Self-Forgiveness)

For context refer to Day 513: Nothing to Say

For when those moments come up, where I excuse myself into believing I have nothing to say;

nothing-to-say-pt-3I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I’m tongue tied when words are on the tip of my tongue, but don’t want to come out the right way, when speaking them to someone or writing them down, and thus feel as if I have nothing to say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe I have nothing to say, when my words don’t want to come up and out correctly, instead of realizing all I have to do is to put down/say what it is that comes out and if corrected that’s cool to, because it’s always a process of learning and takes practice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in a moment become flabbergasted, when I receive News that’s jaw dropping, where I become stuck all of a sudden with nothing to say, instead of just breathing the News through me and responding with something appropriate for/in the moment and if there’s nothing that can be said, to not just say anything, but keep quiet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I’m not able to describe what’s on the tip of my tongue, instead of just giving it a go, I mean that’s the only way I will know if what I’m saying is for the moment or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to after saying something where what I said came out the ‘wrong way’, wish I wouldn’t have said anything, instead of seeing this as a gift of knowing what not to say, but at least I know better now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into frustration when my words don’t come out the way I would like them to and beat myself up about it time and time again, instead of practicing to and expanding my vocabulary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I need 2 to 3 times reading something over to comprehend it completely and/or to the point of being comfortable with being able to respond with clarity on a specific subject matter, meaning it’s not that I don’t care about what’s being discussed, it’s that I want to respond showing my comprehension through a practical example, instead of seeing/realizing, that in a way this is an excuse that I have been using, believing and following throughout my life, when all it take is self-intimacy, where into me I see, why I am allowing myself to be slow with things, getting to the root cause of the problem and correcting myself, to be able to read/listen, comprehend and speak effectively, efficiently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, have never really investigated this problem, but instead only correct bits and pieces of it, then turning right back around and do the same thing to myself again, which is extremely frustrating and limiting to say the least. Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself, my understanding of the matter, by thinking I could get by with just correcting bit and pieces of this problem I have of having nothing to say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at times, when I start speaking, it’s like I’m stepping all over my word, meaning there’s no flow to it and especially when speaking to an impatient person, whose always saying, just get to the point, where I would really get frustrated, being that I didn’t have the tools I do now, to walk myself through this point and out of being frustration and also, instead of realizing, that, I too have also been impatient with others who wasn’t able to get there words out in the moment, I didn’t initially see, what goes around comes around and it did, and so this impatient person was showing me the impatience within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been impatient with others who was trying to get their words out, where I then, tried to rush them into just say something, getting to the point, because I wasn’t listening and/or giving them the chance to speak unconditionally as was afforded to me at times, and for that to all the being I’ve ever been impatient with, I’m sorry and asking you to please forgive me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when writing on my own, get to the point of knowing what I want to say and get it out, but when in the moment of responding, feel as if my fingers are not keeping up with what’s on the tip of my tongue and in my mind, instead of just slowing myself down, taking a breath and getting out what it is that I want to say, which would then probably come out right/correctly, the way I want it to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been the type where when I would be in front of someone who communicates pretty well, would want to say the right thing, but I would always end up stumbling over my words even more, instead of realizing that I was doing too much, by trying to put too much on what I was saying, instead of slow myself down, taking a breath and speak normal. Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I was inferior to others who could communicate better than I me, not seeing/realizing/understanding that all I needed to do was to expand my vocabulary and practice speaking to others, which is a sure change for the better in learning how to communicate effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at some past point in my life, feel as if I didn’t have a voice to express myself, because of always being told to be quiet, when grownup is talking. And or to shut up you don’t know nothing, when I was a child growing up, by my older sibling, where I then started to suppress things, hold thing in, to the point of, when I did know what to say to certain points, I didn’t say anything, because I was still hearing that voice in the back of my mind, telling me to shut up, you don’t know nothing, which only happen around certain people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be comfortable around certain people and not around others, where it’s not a problem to explain what I mean and/or to just speak up, instead of getting to the point of being comfortable enough around anyone, which shouldn’t be a comfortability thing, but an investigation into the fear of not wanting to nor allowing myself to speak up and why, which I realized is because of self-judgment, so it seems that the easiest thing to do is to not say nothing in the moment, which is really the hardest thing to do, being that now your thoughts are compounded, which causes a headache and abuse to your physical body when all one have to do is say anything that’s relevant to the subject matter. More investigating to come.

To be continued…

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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