Day 593: One Moment is Not Enough

Interesting how when walking throughout my day, when faced with a point that I see/realize what it is, then move onto correcting it, afterwards I feel as if I’ve done something big, which it is in a sense, but after that I sort of get the big head of praising myself for that one point and end up missing the other points that comes up, as if I’ve done my good deed for the day or something, with no consideration of the point of continuous progress and progress in every moment with every breath.

I mean it’s easy enough to get caught up in a celebratory mode of praising me, for seeing/realizing and stopping a point in the moment, such as a reaction to something, like “yeah I done it”, but what about after that, where’s the forward movement, and this is where it gets tricky, because, what I’ll do is get caught up with tackling/handling the big points and totally miss/side step the small things that right in front of my face, as if to say; “it’s not a problem at all” and at times miss doing the correction for them, then end up later on having some sort of body pain and/or dozing off at the most unforeseen time and waking up frustrated that I did so, and ready to blame the world for my mishap.

I mean one moment is not enough and then pretending as if I don’t know or didn’t see that next point starring me right in the face, and just so happened the next jolly thought that comes up within and as me, as sort of a validation for me to not move forward and into correction as I just did the previous major point is; “You don’t want to overwhelm yourself now do you”, then look back at it like “yeah you’re right” and right there is the point of limitation through self-sabotage, where you’re giving your power away to the mind, by believing what it’s presenting as validation to why my process is slow moving.

What happens after that is “At least”, meaning, I’ll tell myself at least you corrected one point , which is obviously not enough, but seems as if so, in and right after the moment, not realizing that this too is self-sabotage and a form of resistance, but can easily go unnoticed as resistance if one is not careful, I mean, I call it my trickery mechanism, where I let my mind trick me into believing I did enough, and become satisfied in a way, and used to doing the minimum, but again one moment is not enough.

It’s rather interesting how when looking back at my life, I’ve followed this pattern of whenever, I’ve become a part of something, group/church/job, whatever, I would get the bases of what it is I’m supposed to do with this group, church or job and go with just that, meaning I wouldn’t take too much initiative, but just enough to hang in there ‘so to speak’ and get by, thinking that what I’m doing is enough, where at a job/church or some groups, it may be so, but what I realized is that this process is quite different, in the sense of one doing it for themselves.

So here you have the initiative of doing something for yourself and the realization of knowing that you can do more for yourself, and as I heard, it all depend on you, how long you want your process to be, which is fact, but the point being that, if I’m seeing/realizing this pattern within myself of; “One moment is not enough”, then I’m actually realizing that I’m able to do more within my process, such as correcting more point within my day and/or taking that extra step to go over some material or something, before my play time (per se) lol, So in correcting myself for this issue, because it’s me who have to do it and not you;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk throughout my day and when faced with a point that I see/realize what it is, move on to correcting the point then afterwards feel as if I did something big, then get the big head of praising myself for that one point and end up missing the other points that comes up after that, as if I’ve done my good deed for the day or something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take into consideration in and after that moment, the point of continuous progress, and that progress happens in every moment with every breath, as a constant awareness, of everything that happens in my world and around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get caught up in a celebratory mode of praising me for seeing/realizing and stopping a point in the moment, like “Yeah I did it” then feed off of that brief accomplishment and forget about the forward movement in it all, forget about the next point brewing in the wind for me to see and tackle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get caught up tackling/handling the big points and totally miss/side step the small things that’s right in front of my face, as if to say; “It’s not a problem at all”, thinking that it’ll somehow correct itself, where I at times miss doing the correction myself, then end up later on having some sort of body pain and/or dozing off at the most unforeseen time and wake up frustrated that I did so, and ready to blame the world for my mishap.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overlook the things I deem as small, which is just as important as the big things, because later on I end up having pain about it, as if my body is telling. “Hello buddy, you forgot that small thing right there, yep that one” and/or doze off and experience the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when looking at the next point or small point, for me to handle, pretend as if I don’t know or didn’t see it starring me right in my face, but instead I listen to the next jolly thought that comes up within and as me, as sort of a validation for me to not move forward into correction of “You don’t want to overwhelm yourself now do you”, then look back at it like; “Yeah your right”, not realizing that right there is the point of limitation through self-sabotage, where I give my power away to the mind and believe what it’s presenting as validation to why I’m not moving forward in that moment and why my process is slow moving. I mean you can’t catch up if don’t move yourself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then lease myself away to the mind (so to speak) by saying “At Least” I corrected one point, which is obviously not enough, but seems as if so, that I call my trickery mechanism to not see my shortcomings and realized that this too is self-sabotage and a form of resistance, but can easily go unnoticed as resistance, whenever one is not careful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have followed a pattern throughout my life of whenever I’ve become a part of something, a group/church or job, I would get the bases of what it is, what I’m supposed to do with this group, church or job and go with just that, without taking any initiative to learn more, and /or do more, unless it suited my self-interest and that’s it.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that this process is much different, that It’s all up to me, how fast or slow I’m moving in my process, so thinking that One point in one moment is enough to do in my process in one day, slows my process way down, where inevitable I’m end up missing the point, due to this resistance I’m facing to moving forward and onto the next point and the next as they come up, and for the simple fact that I’m realizing this point shows that I am aware that I can do more than just one point a day per se, but as they come up, to correct them, that there’s no limitation to how many point that comes up, which means that I shouldn’t limit myself to how many point I correct within my day.

So, you see limitations only comes in when one is resistant to correcting certain points that seem to be too much to handle in the moment, that is until, you take the initiative to just move forward and realize how easier it becomes once you step into it and see that all point is basically the same, the only thing that changes is the type of reaction/emotion or feeling we attach to them.

So I commit myself to seeing/realizing and moving forward into correction, point after point that comes up in my day, to no longer limiting myself to thinking one is enough – seeing that that’s self-sabotage, means that I have the ability to correct myself, therefore I commit myself to correcting myself from sabotaging me to saving me in every way possible.

Thanks for reading.

Desteni.org

Day 592: When it Rains It Pours

To being tested to see if you react again, where most likely when something goes wrong in your world such as for instance, something that you use regularly breaks at the most unforeseen time and/or at a time when there’s no place open for you to get it fixed, it’s imperative that you first off don’t react to it, and if you do, it important that you pay close attention to the next few series of events that’ll take place around you, because after the first reaction, comes a test reaction and even if you don’t react to the second thing happening to you, (for example bumping your head against something) another small thing will possibly happen to make sure that your second non-reaction wasn’t a fluke so to speak, but by that time, if you are aware of your reactions, then you’ll realize what’s actually going on within yourself, but if you’re not, things can and will easily spiral out of control, leaving you with an overwhelming sense of being powerless and hopeless, because when it rains it pours as you continue to react to it.

Looking at it from a personal perspective, and for context, the other day I was speaking with a friend of mine who was opening up to me about what he was going through, as the compounding factor of things happening in his world, and asked for my perspective, so I started to explain to him a bit about how the mind works and how the mind will present something to you in order for you to react to, and if you react to it, it will then take it one step further in presenting something else to add to what you’ve already reacted to and so on and so forth, which leads one down the road of blaming others for what they are experiencing and eventually into depression, which was the state he was in at the moment, I then went into an example of something that happened to me in my world and how I faced this point and walked through it, to give him a more clear picture of what I was talking about, so for most part, he saw and understood what I was saying. (Mind you this person I’m referring to has no affiliation with Desteni). And this is where it gets interesting.

Interestingly enough, the next day, (which was a Sunday) we all planned to meet up at the beach, as they were coming from their place, and I was coming from mine, so when I got into the general area, I gave them a call and they told me where they were, which was like the next block over from where I was in my truck, so I then made a U-Turn and heard something pop, and then started seeing smoke coming from under my hood, really bad, so as I was going to park I passed them crossing the street, where they told me my truck was smoking and I said I know, then went and parked in a paid parking lot, down the street a ways.

I got out and lifted the hood and couldn’t pinpoint the problem, but I knew that my friend could, so I locked the truck and walked up the hill to meet them, which by that time there was a slight reaction coming up within and as me, where I suppressed it and met them at the restaurant, and this is where the compounding factor started happening, but could have went un-noticed if I wasn’t aware of what was happening.

As I was walking up to the table, I notice there was only 4 chairs (being that there was 5 of us), I picked up on this right away and didn’t react, we then got another chair from the table next to us, for me to sit down, I then explain what happened to my truck and ask my friend if he would come with me afterward to take a look at my truck and tell me what the problem was, (as he is more car savvy than me), and he agreed. They then begin to order, but when it got around to me, I was still somewhat stuck in the initial reaction and said I wasn’t hungry, so they ordered and I was content with water and while eating during our conversation, I ended up snapping out of this reaction and coming back to my senses. As that part.

What happen next was, close to the end of the dinner, a cup of water ended up in my lap, somehow some way, and at that point, I had to chuckle, because I then really knew what was going on, as the compounding factor testing to see if I was still in reactive mode, I brushed the water off and keep conversating as if nothing happened, no reaction.

We then finished dinner and went down to the beach where while the others set up their things, my friend and I went and looked at my truck, where he then found the problem which was right in front of our face, as a broken heater hose, and being that it was Sunday there was nothing open for me to get it fixed, so I made peace with that, as we went back and joined the others on the beach. And had a pretty cool rest of being on the beach time.

Then to sum it all up, as we were getting the things together to leave, my friend had his fold out chair strapped on his shoulder with the legs sticking out a bit, where I ended up bumping my head on the legs as I lifted up, I then turned and looked at my friend and said I’m glad that I have this hat on, but then saw this as a prime opportunity to explain the series of events as they played out of what just happened to me, in relations to the talk we had the day before, where he could then see what I was talking about, with something happening and the initial reaction, then because of my initial reaction how things kept happening until I no longer reacted to them.

I mean this was also eye opening to me, to actually see these events play out right in front of me, where by the time I experienced the second things, the old me would have went nuts by then, and down the rabbit hole (per se), into blame, judgment and then depression, which I’m sure would have caused more consequences than I was already facing, so this was a cool cross reference for me to go through, to see/realize, where I stand on when it rains it pours, and the work I still have to do on my initial reactions.

Thanks for reading.

Desteni.org

Day 591: How did I Get to this Point Pt.3

Ok, so I left off in my previous post with: Day 590: How did I Get to this Point Pt.2

Being that for some reason I was too scared to join the forums because I didn’t know what to say, but had a million and one questions about what I was experiencing, I just continued liking the new video that would come out, mainly vlogs of others on my YouTube page. So, in the next post I’ll continue with how I came to finally join the forum and really start walking my process as well as why I am writing this.

The vlog I followed the most was Marlen’s Vlogs and Blog, which were like some of the first I came across, that resonated with me, but in the meantime, I was still going through a lot of self-induced fear, paranoia and anxiety, and my situation wasn’t getting any better, so one evening while going through an extreme Mind Possession, of questioning is all of this even real, I became frantic and actually though that I was in a simulation of sort and everyone else had already gone through it and was waiting for me finish, I mean it was a pretty intense, looking back on how I was pacing around the warehouse where if I had any hair on my head I would have definitely pull it all out, emotions and feeling was just coming from all side and I couldn’t stop them in that moment.

Then at the height of my possession the most interesting thing happen, I picked up my phone as something to do to try and take my mind off of what I was going through, and realized I had a few new emails, and just so happened the first one was a comment that Marlen liked my YouTube page, and then Martjin and one after another a few other Destonians like my YouTube page, because the only things that was on it was all Desteni videos, interview and Vlogs that I Liked, and at that moment I dropped the Mind Possession and burst into tears, as in an unbelievable WOW, this is real.

So after I calmed down, I text a thank you response back and received a reply back from Marlen, saying something along the lines, and straight to the point of; “If you’re done chasing after these Energy Experiences, we’re Here”, or something like that, which blew my mind and me away, but from that point on, I didn’t experience anymore Mind Possession to That Extreme, but still was a bit reluctant to move forward and join the forums, that is until one day I woke up and notice that there was no activity on YouTube, no vlogs/blogs nothing that I could see from Desteni, so I thought to myself this is weird and the entire day something didn’t feel right, so I did my day’s work and went back to the warehouse thinking, ok I sure someone posted something, what’s going on, and then there was a post by Marlen, with an update on what happened, as which time I became extremely scared, like Oh NO, NO, NO, wondering if I missed the boat, so the next thing I did was to go straight to the forums and joined, introduced myself and I knew at that point that if I did that, it was no turning back, so I did.

After my Introduction, it was suggested to start the DIP Lite Free Online Course, so that’s what I did, and
“Oh boy”, what I experienced firsthand was an Awakening of my Awareness, Literally, need I say more, lol, I mean while learning about the Mind, my Thoughts, Feelings and Emotions, what are they and where they come from, the importance of Writing/Self-Forgiveness and Corrective Application, the Fear point that existed within me was Really tested and pushed to the limit, to the point of me wanting to stay away as long as I could, because with every Lesson came a New realization, and a New point of Awareness, until no more proof was needed to be give, as something that was initially hard for me to face, but with a buddy made things easier. And with the help of my buddy, I got through it.

Into moving onto the last lesson of the DIP Lite course, my buddy at the time directed me to start Writing a Blog and that’s what I did and haven’t stopped since, thing is, the decision I made to join Desteni, is why I am Here today, alive and well and for that I am extremely Grateful.

Point being, in realizing that this process is forever, at times it may seem like, I’m not experiencing any forward progress and/or thinking about change, have I really changed, and at times, being stuck in one point, leaves room for the mind to wonder, speculate and lose sight on what one has done thus far in one’s own process, so how did I get to this point, becomes a cross reference for me to see where I have been, and what I have walked through, who I was, blind and unaware of my own reality, to who I am now and all the better for it, and most importantly, as motivation to the continuation of the path I’m walking, my Journey to Life, from Consciousness to Awareness.

So Here I stand as a work in progress and as the main Principle of “How did I Get to this Point”.

Thanks for reading.

Day 590: How did I Get to this Point Pt.2

For context from the previous post Day 589: How did I Get to this Point

Anyway this information still being foreign to me,, I became overzealous and wanted to tell everyone I knew about it, but little did I know, this would be the end of quite a few more relationships, including with a few family members, I mean all of a sudden my phone just stop ringing, and as I now had all of this information, I still had a sense in me of wanting to do my own old thing, but found that the more I would do my own old thing, the more things would fall apart, to the point of becoming completely irresponsible with no one and nowhere to turn, as at the time I didn’t realize that the two don’t mix, so I eventually packed up what I had left and moved to the next state over with a friend of mine.

I thought; ’Ok, leave the past behind me and move forward with my life’, but little did I know what would be around the corner waiting for me, and for the next five (5) years until now, what I experienced, some would say is unbelievable, starting from the first situation I walked myself into.

I can tell you this, that you never want to place yourself in a position where you have no one to go to and nowhere to turn and find yourself at the mercy of a “so-called” friend.

So, By the time I got here (the next state over) and had gone through a lot of this information, I realized that there was no Karma, that it didn’t really exit, so what people had done to me in the past, I learned that karma wouldn’t be there to teach them a lesson as I was raise to believe, and plus now I was in a different environment and didn’t really know anyone, outside my ‘friend’, who showed to not give a rats ass about me, (which is an entirely different story in itself), but did give me a room in the back of his music studio, where for the next year and a half I would experience and learn the true nature of how devious, conniving and shifty the mind can be, and how far one would go to the precipice of spitefulness, in order to have their own way of controlling everything and everyone around them, and through the use of alcohol and drugs, forget everything that just happened the day before, but point the finger at me, for how they experienced themselves and what they went through the night before, then go back and tell others, (including my friend) that I’m the weird one, as if I’d just done to them everything they just did to me, like “Oh my, this is not happening” just to say the least. And mind you, I still hadn’t joined the forums or anything as of yet, but did continue downloading everything that came off of YouTube from Desteni while still re-listening to old videos.

I mean imagine feeling as if your stuck in a back room of an active music studio and everyone there was against you, where everytime you walk out the room, your being laughed at, talked about, and ridiculed, but silently, by the same ones that just smiled in your face, one would eventually go crazy, but for some reason I would always revert back to the little bit of material I had, that kept me from going crazy and wanting to break someone’s neck, I’m sorry but literally speaking.

Throughout that period though I pretty much held myself together as best as I could and then got moved into the warehouse, next to where my friend lived, all by myself with no one around, so basically in seclusion from everyone and for the next 2 years what I went through, as the first stages of getting to know myself was something else.

At this place, I experienced a massive amounts of emotions and feeling, from going into blame and depression about my life and into mind possessions, one after another, thinking what was the life I had all for, and that everyone was out to get me, that my life up until this point was all a set up, I mean the fear and paranoia that I didn’t know existed within me, came to the forefront of my mind, where I started believing things that didn’t happen, happening to the point of becoming angry and frustrated once I realized they didn’t happen and I was making it all up, but still after all this, I would revert back to all the videos I downloaded from Desteni and at times played them all, back to back until I would fall asleep and wake up with them on and repeating, that kept me sane.

Being that for some reason I was too scared to join the forums because I didn’t know what to say, but had a million and one questions about what I was experiencing, I just continued liking the new video that would come out, mainly vlogs of others on my YouTube page. So, in the next post I’ll continue with how I came to finally join the forum and really start walking my process as well as why I am writing this.

To be continued…

Day 589: How did I Get to this Point

Most of my life, when looking back on it, has been much of a Blur, being that there’s things I can’t remember, and when told by someone that I did this or that back in the day, I can’t believe it, although after hearing it, realize; “Yep that sounds like me”, I mean, after being cooped up for the first part of my life, in religion, all I wanted to do was to experience the world and that’s what I did.

Being one sided in the way I viewed things, made my view extremely limited, stuck in an I’m right, because that’s all I know mind frame, didn’t make things any better, but only started to wake up in bits and pieces when what I knew, started revealing itself as a falsehood, due to me exploring, might I say the more of, so how did I get to this point?

A life full of ups and downs, mayhem, setbacks and disappointments, mostly disappointed in myself for the things I had accepted and allowed myself to participate in, unaware of the consequences that I would have to face later on in my life, that I had to deal with, with no tools of correction, that got me to this point, where something had to give, because to me I had had enough and enough was enough, and oddly enough it wasn’t some dramatic accident and/or incident that made me feel this way, the way I saw it was it was just time for a change., a re-invention of sorts without knowing, how this re-inventing me would turn out.

I remember as if it was yesterday following my same old routine of being out late then going to the After Hours club and standing close to the bar, when it dawned on me, that I had had enough of this irresponsible party lifestyle and everything that came with it, and although I hadn’t started my process as of yet, I knew that this was the beginning of changing me, that somehow, someway I needed a life overhaul, a life change and that’s when everything really started going downhill and fast, as it seemed.

I mean it was like, for some reason I unconsciously knew that in order for this change to take place, I had to start from scratch, (although this wasn’t what I told myself in the midst of it all), financially and with all my relationships, where it seemed as if almost everyone in my life, just fell of the maps away from me all at the same time, and I was left to walk the desert all alone, by myself, and of course there’s way more to this story as what I have stored in my memory bank that I won’t go into, but when looking back on it, for what it’s worth, surprisingly over all, I stood steadfast, but in the meantime and in between , yes, I bitched, moaned and cried about it all, but had to push through it, and that’s what I did.

Close to the end of my tenure (might I say), my time living where I was, is when I just so happened to come across Desteni Productions, YouTube channel, where from the first moment I saw the first video, I was hooked, line and sinker, lol, funnily enough it was almost like I prayed for answers and viola, there they were, and just so you know I was a Doubting Thomas and a debater to anything New back then, I mean you couldn’t tell me nothing about nothing lol, but this was something different, it wasn’t fake and it made complete common sense, so I had to fine more, as one of the videos was part of the History of Mankind Series and I wanted to start from the beginning, so that’s what I did, and here the kicker;

Half way through watching the series the channel was deleted and that right there, was the nail in the coffin for me, that right there confirmed to me that this was the real deal, and although I was still shook up and a bit shocked at what I was seeing, for some reason, it was like a part of me knew that this was where I belonged, but first I became frantic and had to find the videos again.

So, I went to the Website which was desteni.co.za back then and couldn’t find them, so being afraid that I might lose this information, I went through the site to the document page, with the idea of printing everything that I could out on paper, so I printed out the entire Structural Resonance Alignment documents by Veno, just in case I didn’t find the videos again, but kept searching and by that time found them in different languages and downloaded everyone I could find.

Anyway this information still being foreign to me,, I became overzealous and wanted to tell everyone I knew about it, but little did I know, this would be the end of quite a few more relationships, including a few family members, I mean all of a sudden my phone just stop ringing, and as I now had all of this information, I still had a sense in me of wanting to do my own old thing, but found that the more I would do my own old thing, the more things would fall apart, to the point of becoming completely irresponsible with no one and nowhere to turn, as at the time I didn’t realize that the two don’t mix, so I eventually packed up what I had left and moved to the next state over with a friend of mine.

In the next post, I’ll continue with what happened when I got here, but still wasn’t HERE, some 5 years ago till now.

To be continued…

Day 588: Character Not Working Out, (I am) Pt.2

It’s fairly easy to slip back into an old character, being in an oh so familiar environment of one’s past, which in my case/this case, is being back in the gym working out again, where the test comes in when knowing that you’re there to focus on you, your body and what you’re doing in the moment, then find for some reason (from my perception) that it seems as if every girl in the gym came and use every other machine around and next to you, where I had to chuckle there for a moment, because I now see what’s going on, and everytime I would move to the next machine, it would happen again, where it was obvious that it wasn’t a coincidence and if it was, it was one hell of a one, but despite seeing all this, to tell the truth, I still caught myself looking and wondering and then snapped myself out of it like; “Hold on this is not who I am any longer” and got back to working out for me.

It’s funny how instant improvement is all we want to see, and I realized this point through Desteni, where I hadn’t considered that things take time, that there’s a process to everything, I was just impatient, so when it comes to being in the gym, after every set, we tend to look in the mirror, lol to see if there’s any change from a few minutes before we did a set, to now, which I now see is where and how I would start drifting into character creation, and losing sight on what I’m there to do and who I’m really there for, which is me.

I mean to see how to the extreme I once was, when looking at myself through the actions and eyes of others, as all these old memories come rushing back up within and as me, for example; of worrying about what others would think about the light weight I have on the machine now, being that I’m starting over , is quite daunting to say the least, while saying to myself; “Man I was that Self-Conscious”, that doesn’t affect me now, because now I’m working out for me and my body, instead of for the masses in the gym, as if it was an open competition to see whose doing the most.

But looking at yourself in hindsight is revealing how we ‘Pay’ for the attention we get, through the pain we inflict onto ourselves, in most cases unaware that we’re doing so, with the Ideal lingering in the back of our mind of, “No Pain No Gain”, but what is it that we’re trying to gain, that we think we’re gaining, from seeking attention from others, through this infliction of pain onto ourselves?

It’s pretty fascinating the things we blame on others, they made us do it, when in fact it’s our own Ego and Character Creation that we followed into being the way we are and experiencing what we’ve done unto ourselves, where in the long run, whomever we were trying to impress is long gone, and we’re left with a beat-up body into being out of shape again, all for the wrong reasons.

The problem I face, which is really not a problem, but a face I put on an old character while in the gym, is that of keeping a straight face and focus when you’re seeing so many others seeking attention, directed towards you, (Again my perception) where it just so blatant to the point of wanting to say, ‘yeah I see you’ then get back to what you’re doing, but not in the sense of superiority/Inferiority, but just saying, where in bringing it back to self, it’s rather sad to see myself playing out right in front of me and then react to what I see, as something I never corrected in my past, so for this, in the Here and Now;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have had a starting point for working out to impress others, mainly girls, where whenever I would go into the gym, beforehand, I would create this superiority Character as if I was better than anyone there and would do things to be the center of attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then let this character work out for me, instead of me working out with the starting point of obtaining a compete connection with all my extremities working as one unit to achieve my physical utmost potential, to become one and equal with my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have perpetuated the show off character, in trying to show off what I could do and how much weight I could lift to the people around me in the gym at the time, as if I was in some form of competition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, seek attention from others while working out in the gym going to the extremes at times whenever I would see a girl looking at me , where after a set, I would start huffing and puffing as if I was really doing something, then put on this tired/it hurts face, for some form of sympathy, while peeking out the corner of my eye to see if I got her attention, and if I did I would continue this pattern over and over again to the detriment of my own physical body.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/ understand the damage, I was doing to my physical body, through perpetuating these characters, where I would overexert myself, in the moment chasing after the energetic rush of being the center of attention and would only realize it later on through the experience of cramps, pulled muscles/muscle strain and stretch marks, and of course excruciating pain, but wouldn’t heed the warning my body was giving me to stop this Nonsense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when walking passed the mirror in the gym, erect my posture to fit the character that I was perpetuating at the time and with a cocky proud demeaner, touch my arms and flex my muscles as if to gloat about the way I was looking, which I see was only my Ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my body in every way, back then, by putting myself through the ringer, so to speak, then wonder why I would always be in so much pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in disregarding my body, would eventually experience a disconnect with my joint, where my joints would become sore from after a period of time of not working out, then found myself slouching while sitting down in chairs and even standing up at times, as well as becoming tired throughout my days, and so decided to start working out in the gym again, but this time for me and not to impress others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, being back in the gym, although there’s a difference in my starting point, still find myself at time, attempting to drift off into an old character of looking at girls who’s around me/looking at me, instead of focusing on myself, I start wondering about them, where I then have to relocate myself and bring myself back here, saying; “Hold on, this is not who I am anymore” then get back to working out for me.

So, when and as I see myself being back in the gym, where there’s this urge coming up within and as me, of wanting to impress others, through the perpetuation of a character, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand, from the consequences I’ve faced in the past, that these characters are detrimental to my physical well-being and have no place in my working out, as with these characters I tend to over-do it and end up hurting myself, so I commit myself to working out for me to get that much closer to being one with and equal to my human physical body and experiencing the connection, I’ve been working towards in my process.

Thanks for reading.

Day 587: Character’s Not Working Out

I am, as something I tell myself, because recently I’ve joined a gym and started working out again after quite a few years of not doing much, where the only thing I’ve done throughout the time off was maybe a few pushups here and there and a little arm work and of course ride my bike, (as that was my only means of transportation, there for a while), but not any full body regiment as I once did many years ago, and the interesting thing back then was, and the main reason I worked out always had to do with someone else and never for myself, as a complete connection of all my extremities working as one unit to achieve my physical utmost potential, to become one with my human physical body, aligning every muscle to one accord, and although I may have been in shape way back then, it was all for show, to be seen by someone and/or talked to and about as someone cool, because of the way I looked, as looks prevailed and was of the utmost importance to me back then, being that I was living a superficial life.

So, while working out in the gym back then, I would perpetuate a character every time I would see someone looking at me, where if it was a girl, lol, I would start huffing and puffing as if I was really doing something, then put on this tired/it hurts face after my set, as the ‘show off character’ for some sort of sympathy, while peeking out the corner of my eye, to see if I got her attention, but on the other hand, if it was a guy, I would put as much weight as I could on the bar and max out for one set, as if I was antagonizing him like saying, ‘see that’, then would end up eating my own words when someone else would came up and put on more weight than I could ever lift, at which time, it was time for me go.

Thing is looking back on this, it really didn’t make any sense because, I would be the one going home sore, experiencing cramps and pulled muscles, which only hurt my body more than it helped in the long run, you see, it would then take me an extra-long time to heal myself and get better and then once I got better I would do the same thing all over again, letting which ever character I deemed fit work me out, and another thing was whenever I would walk passed a mirror in the gym, I would look at myself and erect my posture to fit the character that I was perpetuating, touch my arms and or cockily flex my muscles, as if to say to myself; “Man you good” lol., which was only my Ego talking.

I mean it’s funny looking back at how I used to be really stuck in my mind with a big Ego, thinking/believing that I was living the good life, but it is no laughing matter the way I turned out, before I started walking my process, but when I started my process I remember writing a blog entitled Exercise, where I talked about the disregard I had for my body while exercising and was pretty much weary about doing any exercise at all, so from that point up until recently, I only road my bike out of necessity, until I got my truck, then there was nothing, outside of doing a bit of physical labor at times as work.

What I then experienced was sort of a disconnect with my joints, where my joints would become sore from not being active and I would find myself slouching while sitting down in chairs, and even standing up at times, as well as becoming tired throughout my days, as if I lacked the physical energy to do anything more than just typical work related stuff, outside of that I really had no life, and didn’t make any me time, but would finish my days off sitting behind the computer screen, so when the opportunity presented itself, recently to join a gym and start working out again, I jumped to the chance.

So, in the next post I’ll continue with the experience of me, being back in the gym and correcting this Character defect I existed as, that still at times rear its ugly head.

To Be Continued…