Day 577 Instant Playouts Pt.2

Interesting note the way things play out is never how you envisioned them to, which means the instant playouts we envision is really useless, which causes one to hope and wish for things to go a certain way and when they don’t, we then realize what was it all for, in other words, why did I waste valuable time thinking about what was to come, when what was to come didn’t playout as I expected, and what was Here needed my undivided attention and because I didn’t give what is Here my undivided attention, I now have to go back and do what I could have done before, and for me most of the time it ends up being process related, meaning the little extra things, as simple as reading another blog or moving ahead with my assignment and/or writing something out, redefining a word and so on and so forth, instead of rushing to completion.

But at times, these are the things we face the most resistant doing, not that we won’t do them, but what does it hurt to push it back a bit, because I have something planned. Seems harmless, but when you look at it, I realize those little extra things is what will move me forward in my process, and are well needed if I ever want to experience Instant Change, instead of Instant Playouts; So, for this;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still find myself following a pattern of; almost anytime I plan something, have something planned or going to do something, meet someone or go somewhere, later on in the day and/or the near future, I start thinking about it too much, where I would play out what I will do when I get there, with who and how I’m going to do it, basically how I would experience myself in the midst of doing it, as if I was doing it already.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within that lose focus on what I’m doing in the moment, I mean, not to the point of messing something up, but not allowing the Here-ness of Now to have my undivided attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to create these instant playouts in my mind to how I expect things to happen when I get to the point of doing what I have planned, and when it don’t, I become a bit frustrated looking back at the time I wasted thinking ahead too much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach these instant playouts to the excitement energy, where I would try and fast forward my day as quickly as possible, just to get to this point of excitement, instead of doing more on my process for instance.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to remain focus Here in the moment, instead of going into my mind about things I view as fun to come.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I have what I deem as fun things coming up later on in the day and/or in the near future, want to push back/hold off on doing my process related things till later, instead of going the extra mile to do things in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used this point as an escape at times to not face a point in the moment, then have to come back to the point being that much harder to walk through, when if I would have walked through it before hand, before the “Fun” stuff it would have been easier to get through, but instead I would make things harder on myself.

I see/realize/understand that Instant Playouts as I have lived created them are Instant Copouts to doing something worthwhile in the meantime, as the interim time in between my regular daily work and the fun of what I have planned later, to fill it up with a bit more process related things, instead of mental expectation, that way I can experience more of an Instant Change of sorts, faster than my prolonged procrastination. So, I commit myself to fill up my interim times with more laying out my bases for self-change, instead of instantly playing out the first things that come to mind about what I have planned as fun to do later on. To live the word Here-ness.

Thanks for reading.

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Day 576: Instant Playout

A pattern I see that I still follow is a fascinating thing how anytime I plan something, have something planned or going to do something, meet with someone or go somewhere later in the day and/or in the near future, I start thinking about it too much, where I start playing out what I will do when I get there, with who and how I’m going to do it, basically how I would experience myself in the midst of doing it, as if I was doing it already. Thing is, I then lose focus on what I’m doing in the moment, I mean, not to the point of completely messing something up, but not allowing Here-ness have my undivided attention.

It’s interesting how we attach these instant playouts to the excitement energy, where we build ourselves up to the moment and wanting to (if possible) somehow fast forward our day, skipping everything we have to do and/or planned to do, to jumping straight to the point of this excitement, which houses a happy feeling, but in the meantime, we may over look some steps, when losing focus on what’s at hand, before us, but oddly enough after we reach the excitement point, of that in which we have planned, most of the time, it’s not always what it’s all cracked up to be, and when the excitement is over, reality comes rushing back in, where we then realize the things we could have done and/or completed, before we rushed off on this exclusive date with this exciting energy, although we may have had fun in the process.

It’s almost like leaving your house dirty, before you go out of town or somewhere for a period of time, just to come back and have to clean up when you walk in the door, because it’s disgusting, which is one of my pet peeves, to go somewhere and come back to a dirty, filthy home, when all we had to do is to finish things beforehand.

But, back to these instant playout, where what happens with me is, I let these playouts last all the way up until I’m to do what I have planned, which to me really is a waste of time and although I do catch myself at times in the midst and forgive them, this energy is pretty strong, so I end up thinking of what’s to come, beforehand and even afterward, I tend to relay over in my mind, how it all played out and my part in it, which I would say is cool in a way because I get to check myself, how I was in during the time I had, but, I end up drawing it out WAY too much, then into wanting to go relieve the point again, although this is impossible, and what may seem as an easy point to one to get over, for me I’ll still walking this point, because all my life I’ve been doing the exact same thing with every point of excitement in the things I have had planned to do, and since I’m still in the starting phases of my process, I know this deeply ingrained point will take some time for me to overcome completely, to transcend, I mean what may be/seem as easy to some, may not be to others, so in the next post I’ll walk some self-forgiveness on this point.

To Be continued.

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Day 575: Standing in the Way

Hurdles, Obstacles and curbs that’s small, they say never mind the small things, but that’s when you fall, but through it all we soon realize that we’re the obstacles that we face, to investigating why and how did I create our day.

Heaven is a place for the humble and meek, but standing in the way is death and defeat, where you have to pass through the eye of the needle to be complete, and defeat the feeling of thinking you need sleep.

Blame is a game we play with ourselves, by putting our mistakes and downfalls on everybody else, it’s their fault that I fail, you did this to me, you told me what I wanted to hear, you made me believe, you planted the seed in my mind and I fed off of its fruit, of knowledge and information, instead of investigating the truth.

What’s the use if I can’t get passed stage one of my process, I mean it seems that no one is helping me out of this mess, although I created it on my own with no room to progress, what’s standing in my way from passing this test? Is it the point of me thinking I’m better than the rest, that everybody will judge me and could careless, I have too many thought/feeling/emotions running from my head to my chest, then down to my solar plexus and back to my breast, sometimes I feel as if I’m having a cardiac arrest, where all I can do is just breathe at best!

I must confess that what’s standing in my way half the time I can’t see, and the other half I turn a blind eye and then the other cheek, is this all because of the desire in me, or is it just the way I think life is supposed to be, where I desire to stay the same, so when the truth comes I blame, but something got to give, I’m tired of being lame, I’m tired of tripping up over the same old thing, thinking the same old thoughts and talking the same old slang, I wish that I can go in and rearrange my brain, I wonder if anyone out there feels exactly the same, or is it just me who should be ashamed, of being suck thinking out loud in the same old mind frame.

What’s standing in our way is but a thought and Air, and as you take your next breath let me be clear, do you really want to know what’s standing in our way…, then go to the mirror and look at that face, do you see anyone else there that has taken your place? So why blame someone or something else for the mess we’ve made, or better yet will those we’ve compromised ourselves for be there with us in our last days (I Think Not), so why do WE feel the need to keep Standing in Our Ways.

It amazes me how we’d rather hide in the shape, instead of shining the light on the things we’ve caged within ourselves that we don’t want to see, that we would rather abdicate our self-responsibility towards, what’s standing in our way we really can’t ignore, because if we try to , it will seep out of our pours, as the Ego takes its revenge we sit there and cringe, feeling a bit uncomfortable inside our own skin, so why not stand Equal to and One with Self and stop Standing in Your Ways, I guarantee you once you start walking process you’ll experience a change.


Thanks for reading.

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Day 574: Being the Same in a Different Setting

People change, but most of the time it comes when you’ve place yourself in a different setting, where around New people/those your meeting for the first time, we see this as a clean slate of sort, meaning we believe we’re able to start from scratch, then perpetuate which ever character we deem fit for this New environment, then tweak and change it according to the responses we get from other people, and call this behavior ‘getting in where you fit in’ and for most part it may work, because everyone else is doing the same, as long as it’s a short period of time, because if this time was extended the true you would inevitably come out, and your gig would be up.

Oddly enough the true host of the party/gathering, the ice breaker of sort and/or what people have in common the most, is alcohol consumption, where if one is not careful, their true inherent nature will come out, exposing beyond characterization who the person really is, behind the facade, then uh oh, people will now see you for who you are/have become. But on the other hand, if you remain the same, no matter how you are, people are more adaptable to accepting you for how you are, and that’s a proven fact.

For most part we always want people to see the best side of us and as long as they don’t pry too much into our business, we can pretty much maintain the face we’re presenting, but as soon as they ‘over step that boundary we have up, we react, which erases this face and start taking things for face bases, looking at people as if at any moment they might say something crazy to us, we have our guards up for such a case, which stops us from really getting to know someone New and them us, we’d rather run and hide to protect our Idealistic points of view, while telling others around us, I don’t like them for some reason, all because they asked the wrong question when just trying to get to know you.

It’s one thing to watch people, but another to while watching people see them as a reflection of yourself in a non-objective way, where it’s fascinating to say the least to see yourself through the actions of others, doing what I have done in my past, but still have the idea of maybe, possibly, wanting to do it again, which would only set one back in one’s process, to start all over again, and I can’t have that.

So what brought this topic on, was this past weekend, I was asked to go to a wedding out of town in Seattle with my cousin, so I went and for most part had pretty much a swell time, but experienced, (at the different gatherings surrounding the wedding), most of what I have written above, where looking back in hindsight at how I once was, whenever I was in a different setting with new people, was rather eye opening, to see how I once acted/transformed into different character around new people, but still had this lingering Idea of what it would be like if I was still be the same as I used to be, coming up within and as me.

I mean of course, by now I should know better and I do, so whenever the opportunity arose for me to slip back into an old pattern/way and/or behavior, I gracefully declined the chance to, leaving no inclination that I wanted to participate in what was going on through my body language, knowing that I would hate myself for it later as a final why not to, for most part I remained breathing throughout, but internally I found myself reacting to different things, along with having thoughts coming up within and as me of what if I was to, but didn’t, so for this;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to different things when at a gathering surrounding a wedding I was asked to go to and went.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to praise the fact that I was stable and the same in this different setting externally, but at times internally reacted to different thing and had these thoughts to come up within and as me of what if I was to join in the festivities, knowing that this would be my demise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have perpetuated a character change whenever I would enter into a different setting with New people throughout my life, thinking that I was getting in where I fit in and would tweak and change, altering the character in whichever way depending the responses I would get from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought/perceived/believed that I needed to be someone different than who I was, when around other new people, being that I never really accepted me for just me in my past, character or not.

Thanks for reading.

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Day 573: Realization When Sounding Self-Forgiveness (Self-Forgiveness)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe, that I am unable to put my words together enough that would explain the way I experience myself, now that I walking process from consciousness to awareness, that would cause for effective communication when conversing with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this belief, jumble up my sentences to where they don’t come out correctly enough, to explain myself with clarity, although my intentions are clear within myself, it would seem as if I lack the understanding of who I am/have become, since I started walking my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself have not realized at times, that it takes practice, practice speaking what I now live, as the definition of changing me, because of what I learned in words/New words that I’ve never used and/or experienced before in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not realized (in my past) words as me/the words I speak as me, to redefine and become the living words, that would take investigation and correction, partly through Sounding Self-Forgiveness, that would be the practice needed for me to be able to speak with clarity a distinct understanding of who I am becoming as life. In other words, a detailed explanation of my realizations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought there was no need for Sounding Self-Forgiveness as the interim to practicing my speech, due to me not being around many people on the daily, where I could have regular communication with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not realized the many things that Sounding Self-Forgiveness can assist me with from investigating deep points within myself to practicing my speaking to say the least.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not taken Sounding Self-Forgiveness completely seriously, but have only at times done it sporadically, because I was told to do it and not because I wanted to do it, because you see, I’ve done things in the past for the sake of doing them, in relation to others telling me this or that is a good thing to do, and not that I’ve investigated it nor took it upon myself to really understand for myself why it would be beneficial for me to do it, but with the idea lingering around in my mind that if I do it, hopefully I would experience change, which would never happen, because it wasn’t self-directed.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live self-direction to the point of wanting to open up points for myself, which is key to self-change, being that, what other way could one really face oneself in self-honesty, if the’ want to, doesn’t exist within me, I realized there’s none, as it’s up to me to take the initiative, to move me, to willingly investigate me and then correct what I see that’s been booging me down, and live the correction.

So, when and as I see myself feeling as if I can’t get my words together when in conversation with others, where I jumble up my sentences, I stop and breathe, I see/realize/understand that I lack the practice speaking, where I need to practice, and just because I’m not around that many people, is no excuse, as I now realize that the practice I need is within Sounding Self-Forgiveness and so, I commit myself to using the Sounding Self-Forgiveness more as the practice I need to correct my speech, getting to the point of communicating effective, when in conversation with others, when others one is around. I see/realize/understand that practice, practice and more practice make for perfection within my speech.

Thanks for reading.

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Day 572: Realization When Sounding Self-Forgiveness

It easy to talk about stuff that you don’t really know about because you can just make shit up and make it sound good, but when you’re getting to the point of understanding what’s going on within yourself and in this world, for me it’s a different story, where at times it’s been a bit of a challenge to explain how I experience myself to other, my realization and some of the things I’ve been through to get to where I’m at now in my process, in conversation, where I would get a loss for words and/or my sentences doesn’t seem to come out correctly, which I know takes practice, thing is I don’t have regular conversations with people on the daily, because I’m just not around that many people for a lengthy period of time, so the conversations I do have, person to person is rather short, so the question for me was how would I be able to practice speaking/talking about what I’ve come to realize and understand about myself through repetition to achieve clarity when talking to others? I mean because this shit you just can’t make up, you either got it/getting it/know it or you don’t, there’s no in-between when walking, learning, understanding and speaking about who I am within my process.

One thing I do know is that, in my past, I’ve always been one to talk about what I knew/thought I knew, maybe not necessarily that I lived, and/or have tried to live but couldn’t quite grasp the outline of how to put into practical application the things I came to know, such a Religion for instance, where what was missing and not understood was the mind factor in it all, how the mind controlled the reality I lived in, so what I perceived from the mind was to talk about what I knew/thought I knew, heard from others and believed, to reciting scriptures verses (for instance) to No avail as much as possible and thought, maybe it would show in my words that I lived what I talked about, which wasn’t the case, because what I talked about/recited had no affect what so ever in changing me, but only solidified that my starting point for speaking, was for self-interested reasons, and most of the times I would make things up, from the first thing that came to mind, and used the words, “I Think” as an interim, between what I was reciting and what I made up, showing that I really didn’t know what I was talking about, because what I was talking about wasn’t substantial enough for me to live by.

Interesting how when looking back at my life, I had no interest in the actual meaning of word, everything that I spoke about, the words I used, was gathered from what I heard from others, and the context they used the word in, would gave me a broad spectrum of definition to go by, I mean there was No self-investigation back then or at least I never realized to investigate myself, and the only Sounding of anything as words I ever done, was when I wanted to remember lyrics of a song from someone and/or that I wrote myself and thought these lyric were the keys to life, claiming “That’s Deep”, when all Lyrics were back then (and even now) are “Lies that Ridicule” or “Ridiculous Lies” in reverse.

Fast forward to today and back to the question I posed earlier how would I be able to practice talking/speaking about things with clarity to other when having a conversation with someone, when I’m not around that many people for any lengthy period of time on a daily?

So, the other day while driving I found myself dozing off a bit and one of my committed solutions to handle this mishap is the Sounding of Self-Forgiveness, out loud, so as I started Sounding out my Self-Forgiveness, I realized after a while how it’s started becoming easier and easier to put my word together that made sense to what I was saying, when close to the end of this little session, I was able to see the words I wanted to say and understand them before I spoke them, then spoke them with the realization as to what I was saying with clarity, like wow, this was the first time I ever done this, then it dawn on me within this realization, how Sounding Self-Forgiveness is helpful and useful as the practice I need for when speaking to other, because even when having a normal conversation in the past, it was like I would speak in metaphor’s, funny thing, I was even told that one time by someone, when trying to explain an answer to one of their question, where I knew the answer but didn’t have to words to bring it out of me with clarity, and although that was a while back before I started walking my process, I see that there’s still work to do with correcting my speech, even though I have come so far from then .

And for me that’s where my practice speaking comes in at, where by Sounding Self-Forgiveness, helps me to understand what I’m forgiving and what for, which is how it should be when I’m speaking to someone, unscripted, so I saw that as a cool realization and assistance (and with practice) to be a cool way to practice my speaking when others are not around, so that when I’m in a conversation with someone, I don’t fumble over my words or jumble up my sentences, where things can naturally flow as they do when I now Sounding Self-Forgiveness. So, in the next post I’ll do some Self-Forgiveness on this point.

To be continued…

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Day 571: Not Considering the Whole (Self-Forgiveness)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have witness things happening in my world and in my life to others and have said to myself; “I’m glad that it wasn’t me that these things happen to”, in not considering the other person as part of the whole of humanity, stuck to my own vices, where I have devised a way to separate myself from the whole when conflict arises, then it’s all about me and fuck the rest, that is until I need something from that part of the rest who I have built some form of relationship with, that suits my self-interest in times of need, that I call my friends and/or family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have on the other hand, screamed bloody murder when something has happened to me and wanted someone to come save me from experiencing a Pit fall (After the fact), no matter how burdensome my problem was that I had gotten myself into, then if no one would consider me, I would blame what I was experiencing to be their fault in a way for not coming with consultation, the moment I wanted it, believing that I needed it, while wallowing in self-pity, instead of standing up and piecing myself back together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sigh with relief after going into my mind and thinking something was wrong with me, when finding out something was not working, then realized that I wasn’t at fault and instead of considering the whole that might have been affected more than me, I would rather state, that I thought I did something wrong and laugh about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not seen the whole as me, in every way possible, therefore when things happen, I would only consider myself and those closest to me, as in close friend and or maybe some family members and that’s it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have in the past reverted into fear and walked passes a situation, that I could have interceded and helped someone out of, but thought that if I did I would be faced with conflict more so, for interrupting what was going on in the first place, then saw someone else step in a calm the situation down, where at the time I didn’t consider the whole as I would myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have forecasted this projection of fear on to myself, letting this fear control me in moments that I was needed most, that would stop me from doing unto others as I would like to be done unto myself, with no regards to the consequences they may have faced, because I only considered me outside of the equation.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize in the past the affect my action would have on other, not considering that whatever I do others are watching, that may follow my lead into the consequences I faced, that’s why it’s important to be aware of what I am doing / how I react at all times because you never know when someone is watching and then more consequences would fall on me for them falling into the trap (per se) that I set, through the actions I perpetuated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have also feared that if I was to consider others maybe they wouldn’t consider me back, which is a one-sided way of looking at things, with a starting point of only considering other, if there’s something in it for me, which shows how we have defined ourselves according to our inherent nature of spiting another if they don’t fall in line with what my self-interested wants need and desire are, if I do theirs.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize an action-less consideration is just the saying; “I thought about you” and that’s it, but placing Self as all into the equation is not only a consideration, but a step in the right direction of self-correction and change, being that one would now be seeing all as oneself, which is considering the whole as me.

When and as I see myself as another in a situation and /or a situation arise where I only consider me in the equation, without placing/implementing others as me in the equation that may affect them as well, I stop and breathe, I see/realize/understand that by being inconsiderate only personifies the separation I exist as, internally, within my world and reality, that perpetuates the external as the world system to remain consistently inconsiderate to the Whole of all life forms that exist on this planet, equally. So, I commit myself before jumping into bed with mind in selfish-preservation, to consider all in everything I do in my Words/Ways/Deeds/and Actions.

Thanks for reading.

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