Day 664: Why did I!

After the realization that We Know, comes the question; “Why did I”, as in;

Why did I not take the blue pill, was my initial reaction into being overzealous when realizing the Hell bent fashion in which I lived, unable to see the future of who I am at this moment, verses who I was back then, not that I’ve made anything but mistakes the whole way through, up until this point while walking my process, but learning how to gift it to myself the understanding of what mistakes bring, which doesn’t make me exempt from making them either, as we all do, while knowing I have the rest of my life to go and will probably make more, but being steadfast will get me through, as there is really nothing substantial to turn back too, that changes the why did I, to why didn’t I do this a long time ago, but important to let it go to remain Here in the moment, while breathing.

The checking of oneself comes in with the knowing that I am responsible for my action, stating; “Man why did I do this, that and the other”, being that we now know better, but fell for the whip appealed presentation, that any scenario brings, unable to momentarily stop this temptation from festering in our minds, simply because of our addiction to drama, then call it karma or paying dues, when all we had to do was to remain resilient in the face of temptation.

Very sneaky our mind is, that claims “Why Not”, as the rebuttal before the “Why did I” aftermath, that plays out during the pondering stage of the game, with the excusable manipulation, that I am testing it out for myself, while hearing the slogan being quietly chanted in the back of my head; “Just do it”, then afterwards telling you; “Awe you blew it”, into feeling like shit, that we knew it, which spawns the “Why did I” question.

Change comes in when the “How” is asked, discovered and realized, to correct my stance from being propped up by my mind, into standing on my own two feet, which is a feat in itself, when taking the necessary steps toward considering oneself, before following these thoughts around in our minds, to participate in our own eventual fate, before it’s too late, because too many “Why did I’s” means that I’m seeing it, but still lying to myself, that I can just lie down for a moment and continue to push the snooze button on my life, into missing the obvious all together, as it would seem to be forever walking around with a chip on my shoulder, because I didn’t Correct myself when I had the chances to. And I can’t go for that.

If you believe in blessing then the ‘Why did I’ could be that for you, as deemed for myself, that the care free attitude I had is becoming a thing of the past and our awareness is coming into fruition, then the acceptance of what I’ve done that would lead me back to the How to, correction question, that some have walked as a lesson well learned.

But I am still learning and will forever be, to get back to the me that I can’t see, but know Self to be, as the everything, so but without the initial, ‘Why did I’ question a long time ago that brought me to this process, I would still be investing time into my waste of a life, creating ripples and waves, by reacting with Rants and Raves to the creations I’ve made and forgot that I did so. Therefore;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use “Why did I” as a reflection of my wrong doings, into being aggressive and hostile towards myself, beating myself up about the repetition of sameness, in repeating the exact same mistakes over and over again, into blinding myself from seeing the correction that I am, being that I have existed as the problem for so long, covering up the memory of being chastised into believing that I’m always doing something wrong, that I don’t want to see, but now faced with being shown, through the experience of dozing off, instead of simply seeing the gift within this question, and so lived a life of ups and downs, standing up for being aware of my mistakes, but beating myself down immediately afterwards, to the point of waiting for some form of punishment to come, that I’ve become used to getting in my childhood for what I construed as miniscule, but now able to correct within myself.

Therefore, I commit myself to understanding my own misguidedness in to being stuck at the point of obsession with always believing that I’m wrong/doing something wrong – to move passed it into correcting the gift that; “Why did I”, brings.

Thanks for reading.

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Day 663: We Know

But don’t want to see and face the question that is us, while asking why, claiming that we’re intuitive by nature, but don’t want to go into it, the it of ‘I Think’, then blink twice, storing into memory the mental picture of what we just saw ourselves do, and didn’t want to claim it, but when someone does the same to us, we’re the first to file a claim against them, under a law that suits our self-interest, becoming a snitch of sorts, that enjoy sowing discord amongst the brethren, but We Know this.

We Know that it takes two to tangle, but would still plead the fifth, when asked about our participation in the matter, then saying (In so many words), but what matters is that I got the blunt end of the stick, but swung the bat first, meaning, we’ve initiated the conflict, but didn’t know that I would be out at first, per se, that stemmed from a debate that wasn’t going my way, so I tried to pressure the issue, but got stuck between a Lie and the excuse there of, which created an oven like temperature in the air, that got too heated for me to own up to, but again We Know what we did.

We know and admit to stressing out without a doubt, but still chose to be lame and blame it on the next person that told us to go fuck ourselves, when looking for sympathy for putting ourselves in the same position time after time, as if stressing is fine and acceptable by the whole as something we have no control over and take medicine for, which is a joke to say the least, then listen to our mind say; “See, now don’t you feel better” and we soon agree, but end up stressing again next week, that wasn’t a solution at all, but We Know this.

We Know and hate the fact that fear really doesn’t exist, because we still chose to fall for the threats from others, and the loss of something or someone, as the idea of what if, that we allow our minds to play games with us with, in this game we call life, but not Life in fact and for real, but a simulated version of what reality really is, that stimulates our own energetic existence, I mean if Hasbro had a Patent on the mind we would all be broke, and too scared to think, you think, but We Know this and still chose to think that We don’t.

Interesting how when talking to someone and seeing myself within them, first comes the bafflement of the mind defined by powerlessness and into hopelessness and self-pity in search for sympathy, but when not given, innately one tend to start clawing one’s way out this self-induced mind possession, through continuous communication to the point of realization, that spawns a chuckle because one just figured it out for oneself, then say; “Man, I Know this”, and “What was I thinking”, which is the dawn of Self-Investigation (or as the oracle put in the Matrix; “Bingo”). Into seeing that We Really Know.

So, as I stood there blown away at what I just saw, as myself in the mirror of another, I couldn’t help but to chuckle with them, then stating, how I have done the same countless amounts of times to/with myself, then added (in so many words) that that’s why I’m now walking this process of Self-Investigation into Self-Correction, simply because We Know.

I mean, we have the duty and responsibility to be responsible for what We Know and think we know, but haven’t taken the time to invest in me the understanding of Self, but would rather stand at the gate of time saying Hell-o to our demise, which can easily be rectified by investigate yourself and for yourself HERE, because WE KNOW.

Thanks for reading

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Day 662: My Relationship with A Mirror (Self-Forgiveness)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been afraid to look myself in the eye in the mirror in my past, because of not liking the me that I saw at the time, being that I didn’t like the person I was, growing up and blamed it all on the church I grew up in, thinking that I didn’t have any choice and that it wasn’t my fault, therefore the person I saw in the mirror, I despised.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have despised the image of myself that I saw in the mirror growing up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the church I grew up in for the image of me that I saw in the mirror, believing that because of them is why I didn’t like looking at myself in the eye, when looking in the mirror.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an Idea of the image I wanted to be/look like, when not liking the image I saw in the mirror, growing up.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to investigate, back then, my likes and dislikes about myself, as the image I saw in the mirror.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when looking in the mirror in the mornings, place emphasis on my face, with the belief that if my face is ok, then I can feel good about myself, that stems from the picture perfect presentation, accepted in this reality, in society, where you are more acceptable and defined by the face you present, without flaw or blemish, therefore, I make my face up to save face, in essence, in front of the masses of society in public, to fit in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have engrained within me, the idea that I need to look a certain way to fit in with what society accepts in image and so, find myself at time looking twice in the mirror at myself to see if I fit the bill, so to speak.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to investigate why I perpetuated this behavior to the extent I did, instead of just seeing the common sense in having a clean face, until of late, that has been my calling card for the longest in my past, before I would step out of my house and into the world on a daily base.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been corrupted, by mediocracy in society that created the idea within the point of separation that image is everything, that we in some form must abide by, in order to survive with the acceptance of those in our immediate worlds, that we deal with on a daily bases, from our neighbors, to our bosses, to the clerk at the grocery store, that shouldn’t be this way, and so by changing my stance is one step in the right direction, as I can only direct me through the consequences for being one point in society that help create such extensive separation, that we now see as ourselves in the mirror.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have viewed looking in the mirror as a point of trying to achieve perfection, instead of being a point of correction as to what I saw that I didn’t like about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have looked in the mirror not through the eyes of myself, for myself, but through the eyes of and in service of how others would see me/view me and what they would think, without seeing this as a point of judgement in fact that I was placing on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed judgement on myself in the past when look at myself in the mirror and the projected this judgement onto others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still today whenever I walk passed a mirror, look at myself in it, with the excuse of making sure my posture and characterized walk is together as well as everything else is in place, which shows a since of insecurity, protecting my minds view of how I think I should look at all times, when around others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made characterized faces in the mirror, by squinting my eyes and adjusting my cheek bone and tried to hold this expression, that I’ve defined as being cool throughout my day, which is actually pretty hard to do, and would soon find myself frowning once I passed another mirror and glanced into it, as if my body was telling me; “This is bullshit, Carlton, straighten your face”, lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have let a feeling/mood define how much time I would spend in the mirror, fixing myself up and for who.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have in my past, when out with someone, an old partner at a party/dinner or social gathering, and in the midst of, have went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror to fix myself up, with no real consideration for the person I was with, but for the on-looker, to achieve an extended glance from them, that I would derive a sense of approval from, while telling myself that I was doing it as a representation of the person I was with, which was the case sometimes, but for most not.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and define the usage of a mirror as in an innate reflection of myself that should be seen as a gift, that shows me who and what I have become, how I have disregarded my body, and so as a sign to investigate who this me is that I’m looking at and how have I gotten myself to the point of not accepting that in which I see as the me in the mirror and how can I correct myself, internally as to what comes up within me when looking at myself in the mirror, and so I thus Redefine My Relationship to a Mirror, to the aforementioned, so that I am able to embrace the reflection of me in it totality, as who I really am as life, and live these corrections as the acceptance of me.

Thanks for reading.

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Day 661: My Relationship with A Mirror

From the walk by and sneak peeks, to the shaving of my head and brushing of teeth, at times have been afraid to look myself in the eye, without ever once investigating why, what are my likes and dislikes that I hadn’t stood one with and equal to, the changing faces to bring different characters through, who will I be today, according to who
I will see today, are just excerpt of my Relationship with A Mirror.

So, when listening/watching “The Mirror Process” on SOUL, opened up within me my absolute relationship with a mirror, as in what exactly do I do in the mirror, how do I see myself, am I looking in the mirror at me or through the eyes of any other that would see me today?

As per my perspective; It’s rather interesting how what I realized is that when I am in the mirror, mostly in the morning during my routine, what stands out is my face, where there’s a belief I have that if my face/head is ok then I can feel good about myself, and then glance at my body and move on, I mean there is little to no investigation as to how/why I stand the way I do/move the way I do, make certain gestures and facial expression the way I do. For one, why does it take me standing in the mirror to adjust my posture and not be aware of it throughout my day, (For Myself) because when walking by a person of interest or as I see someone approaching, I would unconsciously only then adjust my posture and start walking with my head up/chin tucked in and shoulders back, which is interesting because this usually happens after finding myself in my mind and so not paying attention to how I am carrying my Physical body.

Thing is, most of the time when walking a certain way in public, it’s not in consideration or regard for our bodies, but in service of how others would look at us and what they would think, which is too much thinking, and at times lose focus as to where we’re walking, trying to look straight ahead and end up tripping or bumping into something, then becoming embarrassed and even more self-conscious of ourselves and yes guys do it as well, in relations to making cool faces in the mirror and squinting our eyes to look cool, instead of being the plain faced beings that we are.

It never fails that anytime anyone walk passed a mirror, we look in it and call this, checking to see if everything is in place and excuse this behavior as fitting in, but in essence not wanting to be judged/laughed at, because that would make us feel bad, then carry this throughout the rest of our day, which make this mirror peeking even more prevalent in our lives.

It’s fascinating how we let a feeling/mood define how much time we would spend in the mirror, how much make up we put on, whether we shave our beards or not, because today, I’m just not feeling it and don’t care what people think, which should be all the time, but projected in the wrong context considering the starting point that we perpetuate this ‘lack of care’ per se thereof, obviously we do care, but only around certain people and if energy is attached to it, which then makes the Mirror our best friend.

Funny how when going out with someone, let’s say with your partner, girlfriend/boyfriend we make ourselves look real pretty in the mirror, get to where we’re going, party or public outing of sort, and in the midst of, go to the bathroom and look in the mirror to make ourselves up more, (why is this) the thing that gets me (when looking at it) is at that point, who is this re-adjustment for, is it for the person you’ve been with and possibly known forever, who don’t care how you look, or is for the next on-looker to achieve an extended glance from them, that gives us a sense of approval, and the reason we give for this behavior, is because I’m a representation of you honey, which is then accepted with a proud look, like yeah that’s right, but for most, have been manipulated into thinking so. And believing that you’re really loved, which is in very, very few and rare cases, in relations to the whole of relationships in Humanity.

An innate reflection of ourselves a mirror is and should be seen as a gift that show us who and what we have become, how we have disregarded our bodies/ourselves, as a sign to investigate who is this me that I’m look at and how have I got myself to the point of not accepting what I see as me and how can I correct myself, internally as to what comes up within me when looking at myself in the mirror, so that I’m able to embrace the reflection of me in its totality, as who I really am as life, and live these corrections. Self-Forgiveness to come.

Thanks for reading.

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Day 660: Sentimental

On so many levels and emotional outburst of feeling, when feeling bad or sad about a situation we think we have no control over, lost in the statement of how did this happen, as a perpetuation of they, them and the other person created this mess, that struck a nerve in me, to the point of me walking around with a frown on my face and/or balling my eye out, because I didn’t know that such things could possibly hit home, land on my doorstep per se, which is actually an awareness that I too am responsible for what’s going on in the world, my world and reality, that I didn’t want to see for the longest time, that’s now sitting in the forefront of my mind, overwhelming me to the point crying, (in some cases).

And In others, sheltered from seeing the world for what it really is, and how we the people of humanity can really be towards one another, so seeing/experiencing this for the first time without the protection and/or watchful eye of a “caring” Parent, we soon come to grips with how cruel life as the human beings we attach ourselves to can be, and so become Sentimental when thinking, ‘Why wasn’t I informed/told/shown this growing up’, and so build a mild form of resentment toward those we looked up to/trusted and believed in, and when getting to the point of questioning them, they to become Sentimental as well, then say ’But I was just trying to protect you” and that when we realize where we got our Sentimentality from.

Within this, we become softies, touchy on subjects we’re not used to hearing about, things we haven’t seen done before, nor understood to a level of comprehension within stability, but silly me because I feel for you, as the gullibility of things begin to set in, used as a defense mechanism to not let things get under my skin, but accepting and believing the “Oh well” of things that are bound to happen, so why Not trust what they say, I am now open to suggestion, without realizing the advantage that is about to be taken on me, into becoming hopeless and powerless to do anything about it, until years down the line we finally realize that it’s all been a game that I’ve been playing with myself and have allowed other to play against me as well.

Too Sentimental to be exact, when falling for the give back of something that was avoided to you, that you came across. I mean what first comes up is the saying ‘You reap what you so’ or so a blessing just came to me but did see it as such, then have second thoughts within a charismatic experience about giving it back, because it couldn’t be, but could be somebody else’s, who’s not around, with the expectation of getting more in the long run for doing so, that’ll never come because we were too Sentimental to see that it was right there in front of our face, but tried to save face by giving it back, I mean everything is not a bad thing or as it seems, where Sentimentality doesn’t need to be the theme of everything we do, causing one to look over one’s shoulder when no one is around you.

When realizing that sentimentality is but a mental projection of the fear of loss, and the point of momentary giving up on yourself and that of a life situation that takes place mostly in relationship, one can’t help but to understand that that something that’s amiss is me disempowering myself, giving my power away to a thought and/or Idea that would cause a reaction within me, a movement of sort in my solar plexus, that arises up and comes out of my eyes as a watery sensation, that supposed to release the frustration of thinking that I’m not able to do anything about what I’m facing, but in fact can.

Where responsibility can be taken in the moment of occurrence to stop this watery current of emotion from plaguing us, by seeing the Key being ourselves, because when it boils down to it, one of the most profound forms of sentimentality is the seeking of attention, for someone to say ‘are you ok’, but to lose this is to stand in Expression of/as the word “Ok” when something comes up in your world, which would make the statement of; “Ok I Am” a living reality, which is only possible through investigating oneself through writing out one’s feelings and the experience of you in the moments we attach ourselves to that message sent from our Minds, telling us to cower away and/or Hide from facing ourselves, then forgiving yourself for all the point you just wrote about, to no longer accept and allow yourself to repeat these emotional outburst, by making statements of corrections and commitment to oneself, into living these statements as ourselves, which can be found in detail HERE for FREE if you dare.

Thanks for reading.

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Day 659: Looking to be Offended

And when it doesn’t come, we mount an offense towards others, in other words, we’ll find a way to fuck up the words fuck up, (if that was the case), in essence addicted to the energy that conflict brings, while eating eggs and things for breakfast, waiting for someone to say something, hoping that that something is said the wrong way and so take offense to it. I mean human beings are easily offended, always depended on the energy of conflict that comes with it, that’s explicit in nature, the creator of problems with no way to solve it, living life in wait for the moment to tell somebody, I disagree, I take offense in what you just said to me, I mean there should be laws to protect my spiteful offense, and so defend my free choice and self-interest, while really being agitated at not knowing what to say, except giving oneself a bullshit excuse to respond the other way, it’s like we love going against the grain, but is this who we really are, taking offense to the things we don’t understand which makes for going through life with a short attention span.

The seekers of attention, but only attending to being offended, as if we hate this world and everything in it, but don’t want to do anything to change ourselves and our participation in the things we do that limits our-Self, we’ve become offended by the idea of what other people like, instead of investigating and correcting our own likes and dislikes, that we use towards others merely out of spite, fulfilling an obligation we think we have to our mind, attracted to the polarity of what’s wrong and right.

So the other day I was having a conversation with a friend of mind, where the topic came up of the holidays and he was saying how he liked some of the different aspects of Christmas and I said something along the line of, how people look at things in different ways, he then said how there’s nothing wrong with what he likes about Christmas, and how he dislike the point of people always Looking to be Offended, which was a cool way of putting it, that gave me inspiration to write this blog post, so but within that I started looking at the how I to have looked to be offended or taken offense to different things that others have said and or done in my past and realized it as a point that needed to be look at and so investigating, therefore;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have in my past looked to be offended while seeking attention that was not coming my way, and so would wait for someone to say the wrong thing, so I could voice my rebuttal against them, that would bring attention my way and others on my side, while disguising this spiteful behavior as a correction of sorts, instead of correcting the point of me looking to be offended in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken offense to others laughing around me, which was judging myself, by thinking that they were laughing at me, when it wasn’t the case, instead of simply asking the question unconditionally; “What’s so funny guys”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been addicted to energy that the conflict of being offended bring, and thrived off of the idea of putting someone in their place (per se), which was purely Egotistical, where I wanted to be seen as better than this other person, and so anything they would said I would take offense to, instead of realizing the stench of jealousy that existed within me towards the other person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been Off-End my mind looking for a chance to initiate conflict with someone claiming that they offended me, as the poor me character, instead of being here and investigating why I was letting things that others do and say insight a reaction within me, within that; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have let what others say and/or do, insight reactions within me and excuse it as being offended.

And so, in hind sight realizing that being offended is but an excuse to not take self-responsibility for the reactions that comes up within us, to what others do and say, and need to correct this within ourselves first in order for change to happen in our life/world and reality and then in this world and reality as a whole, so stop looking to be offended and start looking at how we can defend the right to life for all Equally, that would be best for all life Here on this Planet, Earth. Thanks for reading, and not being offended, lol.

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Day 658: Antagonism

The taunting, the nagging and Tag You’re It, as if it’s now your turn to react, through the initiation of me, the inherent expression of energy, passed back and forth towards one another, every time we get a wild hair up our ass about something we’re not allowing ourselves to see, so instead of pressing the issue into investigating what it is, interestingly enough we’d rather push the buttons of another, for them to see and experience how we feel, then sit back and watch how they handle it, to be used as a starting point for handling our own problem, instead of just asking for help.

Therefore, I’ll say ‘fuck’ you, because I don’t know how to stop fucking with myself, and if I do, it’s too much for me to see and do right now, because I’m stuck within a mind possession and would rather not ask for help, because I’ll be seen as a fuck up, (A Self-Judgement) when I was doing so well, like Wow, so thank you for being the sounding board of my shit or better yet the fit I just threw, because without you, I would go crazy. But really!

I mean have you ever look at it that way, as a perspective that I’m see within me and my world today, because every emotion I’ve ever had was but a momentary form of feeling, but the decision I made to tag someone else with it to make myself SEEM better, was short lived, being that only after we calm down from a derivative of energy, can we begin to see the mess we’ve just made, and in most cases relationship ties we’ve severed, severely damaging our reputation and trust from another, that others would see and maybe think it’s funny in the moment, but in the long run, Will chose to run away from you, because they saw just how spiteful we can be.

A tag of Lies is but a reaction out of spite, where because you’re not dealing with me no more, let fight, but do realize this, if you don’t stand for nothing, your laying down, is a sign of being walked on, and what you’ve created up to that point, will be there, then gone, so it behooves one to stand.

It’s funny how we love to invoke the Mommy and Daddy, syndrome, where it’s like “Ima Tell the World about You” to Antagonize you (via social media), for me feeling the way I do, when in actuality, I CHOOSE to walk away, from you and/or else, give my power away, to listening to what someone else was saying. It seems as if I’ve reverted back to being loyal to the mind telling me to taunt you, not realizing that this mind is, what makes you Spineless and in a ways not able to stand for what you once believe, I mean I’ve been there before and fine the fall Daunting, the Mind with its Nagging and constantly Haunting is Exhausting, at times I too become overwhelmed, but don’t use it as an excuse to tell the world how I feel, because what I realized is that NO one really gives a shit in fact, but those that really do, will be there when you come back.

Therefore, in bringing it back to self, and looking at it in reverse, I hereby redefine Antagonism to; A shaking and awakening of myself, when finding myself falling off the deep end, where the; “And-Tag-You’re-it-Is-Me, and always have been and must take responsibility for how I am experiencing me, in my world, this world and reality, by using the TOOLS provided by Desteni. It’s simple. Stop trying to Tag your way out of taking Self-Responsibility, because You’re it.

Thanks for Reading.

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