Day 493: The Dark Side

the-dark-sideRevenge is an ugly thing, powerful to those wielding the hammer of spite, in spite of being wronged in the first place. It’s fascinating how every villain in every story, movie, fairy tale or books, past is overlooked, what really happened and the person who vilified them then becomes the Hero, but is also the one who placed them in the position of wanting revenge in the first place, when all the villain really want to do is to go back in time and stop this tragedy from ever happening, cause and effect. Because the unsung Hero covered up their spiteful behavior, as what they initially did to make this person want to seek revenge on them, that doesn’t make them a Hero, but one who hides and suppresses the secret mind the Dark Side, while on the outside presenting themselves as an “Angel”, pure of heart, luring everyone else into an enchantment, while pointing the finger of blame onto their first victim, the villain.

I mean If this wasn’t such a big deal why does everyone seek a happy ending, seek freedom, this freedom being from the Dark Side of us, our Dark Minds, the side we don’t want people to see exist within and as us, or else our Herodom would be vanquished in one moment, still in today’s world, we fear that our friend, associates, partners and family member would disown us, would walk away from us forever more if they find out who we really are, what goes on in the back of our minds, but it doesn’t happen that way, because they have skeletons in their closet to, and mums the word, as long as we don’t tell our secrets to one another or anyone else, I can deal with your dark side, but can you Deal with mine.

They say in Fairy tale stories Hero’s don’t kill, well that’s because Hero’s have already killed and buried their dark side to become the Hero, making everyone else believe someone is after them for no apparent reason. Same thing applies when you do something to someone when no one is looking, but when they go to get you back it’s in front of everyone, where you then look dumbfounded at what just happen, making yourself out to be the victim in the eyes of the masses, denying the fact that you hurt them really bad, but who gets in trouble, the one who got caught returning the favor of sorts, now everyone else vilify them forever more.

Now obviously on both side, a solution is to not get even Steven, but to look at where within your world you have done the same to someone else, because by holding onto being wronged, makes matter that much worst, as you let it fester within you and become really dark on the inside, comprising ways to get back at this person, and when your revenge comes out, it’s even more worse than you imagine, where now it’s too late to take it back, as you will have to live with what you did for the rest of your life, I mean can you live with knowing that what you did wasn’t worth the consequences you are now faced with, as the extreme to what was done to you?

Embarrassment, Fear, Jealousy, Envy, Cockiness, Control, Power, Greed and Unawareness to say the least, when inflicted onto someone are those that which brings out the Dark Side in someone, and I say Unawareness, because you can be unaware of the implication of what you’re about to do to someone will have what effect on them, meaning it doesn’t have to be personal, your intentions could have been good, but the outcome shows differently, which then brings out the Dark Side of that person because of your mistake, so you have to remember one thing with Intentions, I-N-Tended to do this that and the other, without investigating what would happen first.

So Yes you are as fault for initiation the Dark Side coming out of this person and Responsibility should be taken on your end, although it’s the person who gives their power away to the mind in reacting, then acting out revenge on you, who reaps their fair share of consequences as well, thing is, if we know our strengths and weaknesses, beforehand, when something happens to us, we’re able to curb the Dark Side from coming up within and as us, and step into the solution phase, before things get out of hand.

I mean I got to hand it to myself because I was somewhat a reactive person, reacting to any and everything people did to me, seeking revenge, enacting revenge with the Idea in my head of wanting to Win, wanting to get even, but at the end of the day I was Vilified by right, because of all the Dark Side shit that I would come up with to inflict onto the person in question, which always made matters worse for me, and me having an I Don’t Care attitude didn’t make things any easier, until one day I woke up and realized that something had to give, as I was losing all my friend, but even more losing myself to this Dark Side in me, where I’d find myself walking around all the time frowning, Mad, Sad and Angry for no apparent reason at all, which hurt because I always had a headache and was in pain, wondering why, until I realized, hey the more I inflicted my bad side onto someone, no matter what they did wrong to me to deserve it, the more bad thing would happen to me, but once I start letting things go unconditionally, bad things stop happening as much, to none being inflict by other people that I reacted to and at that point I said, “You know what, no more”, so here I stand able to write about this and able to walk through this point of seeking revenge and letting the Dark Side come out of me, thanks to this Free Online Course called DIP Lite (Desteni I Process Lite) that helped me to open myself up to the Dark Side in me, to see what it is and correct myself. The investigation into the Dark Side of you start with a click of the above link.


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Day 492: Trapped in One Frame of Mind

trapped-in-one-frame-of-mindLet it go, release it or find yourself depleted of the will power to continue surviving in this world, only doing the minimal to stay afloat, every day is a dumpster dive to stay alive, accepting scrapes from the belly of the beast just to eat, I mean clearly nothing else is on your mind, but the Last mistake you’ve made and haven’t gotten over, but keep replaying it over in your head and re-living out the scene that in one moment Changed your life forever more, because you can’t seem to get out of being trapped in one frame of mind. The extreme of what has happened to some, but could happen to you if you don’t let go of the past mistakes you’ve made.

From day in to day out, Sunrise to Sunset, the constant nagging of the conversations we have with ourselves, calling ourselves stupid for making the wrong decision or placing ourselves in the wrong position and there’s nothing that I can do to change this, so I am complacent with the punishment I inflict onto myself, I don’t deserve another change, so I’ll just give up on life, because life threw me a bunch of lemon, which left a sour taste in my mouth, because I got let go from my job, during the downsizing of the company, that I never got over, and after all the things I did for them, they didn’t give a hoot about me, and I’ll never let it go, so I’ll remain a Bum on the street, until somebody else come and saves me.

Trapped in one frame of Mind, as this one point that I just can’t get pass, why is it that we believe, that that was our last stance, the only thing left to do is to give up, because all the energy is drained from me, unaware that I’ve open the flood door to Pandora’s Box, allowing my mind to suck the life right out of me, by feeding into the thoughts that’s presented to me, saying that you’ve done enough, you’ve given all you could to this world and no one cares about you, so give up, I’ll guide you, from this point on, as we fall so low into the disregard of our wellbeing, eating anything in the meantime to soak up the drugs and alcohol that clings to our flesh, oh what an exciting ride at best, until we come down and close our eyes, unable to see the Demon in me, disguised or the mess we’ve made, while Demanding that someone else should take our place, that someone else should take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed, but I care less because I’m not proud of myself on the inside, but at last I don’t have to answer to nobody, trapped in one frame of mind.

Driving around town, seeing the product of what our society (Our Minds) created, chewed up and spit out, to live on the streets for the rest of their lives, oblivious to the fact that the solution lies within, and as long as it lies there, your lying to yourself to not bring it up and move yourself within it, but it’s just not limited to those on the street, as we each are trapped in that one frame of mind that suits our self-interest and belief, at times when we think we’re right, what will become of us, as this that I’m see is the end result of thinking a mind is a terrible thing to waste, that I’m a free thinker that creates think tanks, and banks to keep the money on our minds, and hard to obtain, distorting the images we see in our brains.

I mean this isn’t a life for me, it’s a strange thing, I can’t deal with this, I didn’t come in this world with family and kid, how soon we turn to such spiteful advice, when given the choice between money or life, that we have destroyed our world trapped in one frame of mind, in one frame of thought that has kept us blind, from seeing the slippery slope that we’re descending upon, that’s a rats race through the gutter until we’re all gone, blaming each other, you did this to me, without seeing the true nature of the design of Feet , there for you to STAND UP when pushed down, during the worst of times, which would unlock you from being trapped in one frame of Mind.

Investigate you own mind HERE.

Thanks for reading.

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Day 491: Write About It, Fight About It

write-about-it-fight-about-itIt’s not a pretty picture, when your past comes back to haunt you, but the haunting is only a hunt when you put up a fight, not wanting to see you in the looking glass through the words you put down, in writing out your binary code, to make adjustments as need, when you go to write it out, the fight begins. The scribbling in frustration on a piece of paper to the smacking down on the keyboard, in disgust of who you have become, what you have accepted and allowed yourself to do with your life/in your life, that takes the cake from the destruction you see around you in this world, because we just look at it and turn a blind eye, saying to ourselves, oh well it’s not me, so it doesn’t matter, but when the matter become personal, by your own hands, that’s when it effect’s you the most, the pushing past the resistance with a frown on your face, saying in your mind; “Oh my God I did this to me”, facing the reality of what lies beneath, deep within Human Nature, the Nature of you, as you struggle with yourself to read the words you just put down on the scrolls of “Change in me”, when you began to really ‘Write About It’, you ‘Fight About It’.

What should be seen as an experience of epic proportion is often misconstrued as a waste of time to fall in line with life’s true design. What’s the necessity, what’s the reason I need to write myself out, I’m ok just the way I am and don’t need changing, is what’ll come up when you sit down to write about it, the lack of understanding me is reason enough, but who is this me that I’m trying to understand, is another question fated to be asked, when not wanting to see what I have become, and so on and so forth, but once you do start what comes forth is the realization that I really never knew me at all, and all the things I participated in was just normal occurrences, being that I’ve seen everybody else doing the same as me throughout my life, so why is nothing happening to them, as a (Classic Justification).

There’s this Gospel song that goes; “It’s me, it’s me, It’s me oh lord, standing in the need of Prayer, but why is it that after you get finish Praying, the next Sunday Morning you end up singing the same ole song again, (then rinse and repeat), because the week before you still participated in the same ole shit again, then become down on yourself that nothing ever change, because we’ve become accustom to what we perceive as the quick fixes in our life, and that’s exactly why things aren’t going right, I mean I lived this for years and nothing ever changed, and no matter how much faith I had, the Savior never came.

I was then told that you have to change yourself, to be your own Self-Savior, but what that meant to me was fuck everybody else, because I didn’t know how to be my own Self-Savior, there was no tool to use or any lay out on how to save myself, so I just winged it, I mean by that time, I was tired of Religion and something had to give, I mean to me anything else would be easier than going to sleep waking up scared every morning, knowing that I was sinning and was this the day the Rapture was coming, so every sound and bang I heard had me {{shaking}} in my boots, I hated that feeling, so I told myself fuck it, let’s try the other side, which was a little bit better, but not a solution, fascinatingly enough going to the other side lead me to the solution and that’s when I found Desteni.

This is what resonated with me and I immediately took to it, but was still a bit weary, so I did things at my pace (half assed) and experienced some change in me, but came to a stalemate / stagnant within my process, then asked for an overview and realizing that I wasn’t using the tools of Writing and Self-Forgiveness effectively.

So back to the drawing board, of taking each thought that comes up in my mind daily, each point as the obvious that I am still faced with, writing out my strengths and weaknesses, dissecting them and going back down the rabbit hole to see where it all started, in which I STARTED TO REALIZE, when you Really Write About It, you start to ‘Fight About It for real, and that’s when you know you’re getting somewhere.

And the fighting being the resistance to facing where the points all started from, then walking my way back to the present day, and in the meantime with a frown of disgust on my face, why’ll smacking the keyboard, for every word I put down acuminating to the secret design in my secret mind that I didn’t want to see, So for this:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to while writing me out, fight with myself because of the things that was coming up, that was hard for me to see, but pushed through it with a frown on my face in disgust and smacking down on the keyboard with my finger, because of what was opening up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to face resistance when writing myself out, resistance being the shaking of my head No and saying to myself I don’t really have to do this, I’m doing enough, but if I was doing enough I wouldn’t have this resistance coming up, would I.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that this resistance is a sign that I am hitting a point, which means that I should keep going.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe, that there is no way that I could have done this, that and the other, think this thought, that thought and that thought, as I was writing myself out, while realizing, who else could have, other than me. No one but me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have hidden points with in me for so long, that when they start coming up and out, it was hard for me to face, but still I am pushing through them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the longest, think that just because I saw others doing the things that I have done throughout my life, that it was ok/normal and that’s the way things work, not at that time realizing the programmed design in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, to justify to myself, myself doing the things I did, because others have done them, and nothing is happening to them, using them in my mind as an excuse to keep being the old me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay too much attention to what others are doing, instead of paying attention to and correcting the things I have done to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight with myself about what I write about myself, going round’ after round until I get through one part of one point.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize, the more I keep writing the easier the resistance will become, the easier facing myself will become.

These are the things I/we often face when getting down to the nitty gritty of writing about it, which in turn we fight about it. So,

When and as I see’ myself writing about it and feel this fighting me, coming up with in and as me, as the resistance to not wanting to push through it, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand the more I keep writing and opening up points the easier it’ll become, the lesser the resistance with be, that will soon enough dissipate, so that I can get to the point of Transcendence.

I commit myself to sticking to writing about me, to push through all resistances I face, to handle and correct the points within me that made me, me, to change me from who I have become to who I really am as life. And;

I commit myself to realizing that practicing writing = Change in me, therefore I continue writing me out and no longer accept and allow myself to fight about it.

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Day 490: A Sense of Belonging

sense-of-belongingNowhere have I really felt at home, trapped within the space between my ears, unable to hear the gears of the System shifting into time, slowly, erasing the mind I had, way back then, when things wasn’t so easy to forget, but eventually I forgot who I was and created a burial plot for me to lie in, in my mind, where I now have to go digging up and uncovering layer upon layer, dimension after dimension of waste time to find out who I really am as life.

Separated in places of belonging, segregated from each other, but saying to one another; “What are you doing over Here”, go back to where you belong, on your side of town, accepted, swallowed and pushed down within me to fester, creating a drive within me to be some other place than were I was, all because I had no sense of Belonging. Is it wrong for me to dream, I mean I seen it too many time before, with those that have gone before me, accepting the hand out of 40 acres and a mule, while the rest of the world is off limits, but not limited to this text I’m writing, times have changed, but yet we remain the same, separated in thought, word and deed within me, unable to see and answer the unanswered question of who am I, where do I fit in, is there anyone out there that gets me for me?

Going from place to place, from group to a different group of friend, thinking that everytime you leave someone behind the problems will stay there too, but who knew that it was I who created this divide and got lost in the middle of space and time, looking for a sense of belonging, I’m free, I belong to no one, but the energy within me, obviously, unable to see that the thrill is in the chase there of, along with the consequences that’s shoved into this package of lies we lie down with every night and believe before we arise in the morning, wondering where am I.

With No Where to fit in, I’m Now Here with me, being that all my friends are off doing them, and me wondering if I ever belonged with them in the first place, just in case life led me down the wrong path, then half way down the road, put me onto another track, I was once told, that the fact still remain, I belong to me, only if I realized and changed, not to the energy seeping out of my pores that I became a whore to, then blew all my money, because I thought a sense of belonging was to by someone friendship and laugh at them when things became funny, but no joke that life soon faded as I continue to hope for, look for a sense of belonging somewhere to fit in, I mean half the time I couldn’t stand the skin that I was in, so I tried to blend in with the masses who was moving too fast, I really thought stampedes was a thing of the past, until I found myself tumbling down into the gutter and had to pick myself up, with nothing left to do but stand the fuck up.

At times it was ruff, but that didn’t stop my pride, I remained calm on the outside, while screaming on the inside, I never realized that my sense of belonging was somewhat of a lie, being that my definition of “Belonging to”, was giving up my rights, giving my power away to someone despite, knowing that I was being controlled because I belonged to them, as a pawn in the game of chess taken by all the Kings Horses and Men. Confused and tattoo with a sign in my mind, stating that I’ll belong to you, if you only show me time.

So My Sense of Belonging was an abdication of Me, submitting up my willpower to gain a seat at any roundtable of any groups that would have me, I still never fit in and walked away sadly, looking for, searching for my sense of belonging again, not realizing in common sense I belong to me, to life as me, I needed to find myself – that all I needed to do was to take that first step, towards my Journey To Life and now I’m a work in progress, instead of looking to belong, I became a part of what’s best for all life as me as everything as the earth, for this is where I belong to since the date of my birth.

Thanks for reading.

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Day 489: Self-Manipulation

self-manipulation“Believe me you, because I’ve seen it with my own two eyes, in my mind as clear as day, so whatever you say doesn’t matter, I will move ahead in implementing what it is I want to do with what I want to believe in and that’s that”. Self-Manipulation is believing the Back Chat in your mind, telling you, I know I’m right to be mad at this, that or the other person, because, they’ve made me feel a certain way. Self-Manipulation is when you get mad at something not going right in your life, in the moment you made a decision to sit down with yourself and work on you, but end up not doing it, because of this something coming up in your mind, stopping you from working on yourself. Self-Manipulation is making a fucked-up decision and justifying to yourself that it was worth it. Self-Manipulation is looking for a reward or praise as a starting point of doing something for someone. Self-Manipulation is making yourself believe that everything is going to be alright, when you know good and well that shit is fucked up in this a world, and in your world and in my world and reality, but instead of facing it, we’ll even take it one step further in seeking validation from someone else, like a Parent or a good Friend or a Partner telling us, it’s ok Honey, it’s going to be alright, because that’s all we’ve heard growing up, so the manipulation comes in when we believe this statement to be true. Self-Manipulation is the Abdication of Responsibility for oneself untaken, because we’ve attached ourselves to a Belief System allowing ourselves to Be the Lie, while operating under the Control of the System.

There’s more than meet the eye, when looking at who Self really is and have become, hidden away in hibernation, in the cave of Self-Manipulation, distracting ourselves from being Here standing up and saying ‘From Here No Further’ will I accept and allow myself to continue to Manipulate me, let alone other, but to us Self-Manipulation is the voice in our head as God telling us to submit to his will, submit to what I’m telling you, because you’re right.

Self-Manipulation is more than just the desire to be right, but the belief that we are, all the time, without investigating what the truth really is. I mean isn’t it true that we think we know ourselves, but don’t listen to what our self is really telling us, through a sign of pain, indicating you should be ashamed of yourself, for not Manning up and owning the deceit you inflict on me, but instead blame the pain on sleeping wrong, while admitting that you were sleeping when life came calling?

Self-Manipulation is something we do in private, away from prying eyes and so we think we’re right to come up with an outcome that only suits my minds wellbeing, caught in a web of Manipulation unable to see the damage we’re really doing to our Physical Bodies, while thinking this body is just a shell and the mind lives forever, but sadly mistaken it’s in reverse and not wanting to see it because, we’re too busy Manipulating ourselves, and others to follow suit.

Man-I-Pulled-It-Together-To-Late, is what we’ll end up saying if we don’t stop Manipulating ourselves, as I look back at the other day, how I Manipulated myself, when I went to sit down and write me out, where I faced a blank, and brought up something that wasn’t working right in my world in my mind, and fed off of this energy to the point of blaming everything else but me, using this point as a validation to not proceed, but cross my arms in hibernation from seeing that I was drowning in Self-Manipulation, then stood up, waking up to the fact that it was time for me to go to bed. Oh, what a Wasted Moment, so for this;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a wasted moment last night, when I went to sit down and write me out, but faced a blank at which time, I brought up something not going right in my world, as a validation, in becoming mad to not do anything, as I then crossed my arms and watched a movie, in hibernation from my responsibility in making the value of that moment susceptible to Change in Me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Manipulate myself into believing, I was justified in not doing anything, because of something unrelated to the moment coming up within and as me (in my mind), as something to feed off of, the idea of me facing a blank.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let chasing after this energy take precedence over me Breathing myself through to the other side of this Blank I was facing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use Self-Manipulation as a point of validating my improprieties, where I believe the shit that’s going on in my mind, during and throughout a situation and/or a definitive moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the Value of every moment for granted, in that moment, when I sat down to write me out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste a valuable moment of my time on Self-Manipulation, not realizing moments add up as the definition of the life we live/want to live and future to have, being that these moment consist of whether we are enacting change in our lives or not, we’ll tend to pay the consequences either way, good or bad, meaning that it’s up to us, it’s up to me to create myself into change, into who I am in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand the limitations of Self-Manipulation, that it’s always too late, after the fact in point of creation has gone by, did I manipulate myself into believing that, that wasted moment was validate, was justified, when it was just I who perpetuated in it, missing the chance of Self-Expansion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss out on a valuable moment of Self-Expansion, by participating in the moment with Self-Manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself ‘to even now’ try and manipulate myself into thinking that’s enough, when the only enough, is what I’ve had of my mind always stepping in and manipulating things to go in its favor.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live Self-Evaluation instead of Self-Manipulation, by putting myself on probation to see if/where and when am I still Manipulating myself, in my world and reality, to not see the me that I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not what to see the me that I have become, hence at time I use Self-Manipulation to Blind myself for see and taking responsibility for the Man I called me.

So, when and as I see myself wasting a valuable moment of my time on thinking about something not going right in my world, unrelated to moment at hand, that I use as a validation in Self-Manipulation to not stand up and seize the moment, but instead become mad and sit there with my arms crossed and watch a movie, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that time waits for no one, as the one I chose to be, was not on time and missed out on a cool moment of Self-Expansion.

I commit myself to seizing the moments of Self-Expansion – to not be interrupted by any Manipulating factor my mind present to me, as a form of resistance to not write me out, but instead to step pass the cesspit and walk through the door of Change in Me.

When and as I see myself wanting to hibernate, to hide in my Neighbors room in my mind, from facing me at every turn and waiting till it’s too late to do something about the me I have become, I stop and breathe and show myself to me, as I see/realize/understand that the me that I don’t want to see, is the me that will set me free when correctly corrected, so why waste time with Self-Manipulation, when it’s limiting factor is the devaluation of my life.

So, I commit myself to no longer devaluing myself by using Self-Manipulation to hide behind the idea of self in chains, but to see/realize/understand that with the Mind gone only self remains, so I should get to know me.

I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing myself to waste a valuable moment on a thought of something not going right in my life, but to investigate and get to the root cause, meaning to continue and write me out, in this case, that would have changed me from feeling a certain way to correcting my ways.

I commit myself to no longer limiting myself with the use of Self-Manipulation, but instead to use Self-Evaluation that would produce an outcome of Change in Me.

I commit myself to continuing to Map me out, to continuing seeing what it is that I don’t want to see, to continue doing what it is that I was resistant to doing, and change from being me to who I REALLY AM AS LIFE.

Investigate more of yourself; Here.

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Day 488: The Weirdest Dream of Abuse

the-weirdest-dream-about-abuseAs a preface, the littlest thing that we don’t pay attention to, think that, it’s nothing to be concern about, that we can use it, abuse it and discard it, because it’s the normal thing to do, is that of ourselves that we’ve forgotten about, forgot that this, that and the other thing is a part of me, down to the smallest piece of paper we use for different thing, I mean it may sound weird, but how many times have you started writing something and didn’t like what you we’re writing, then scribbled on the piece of paper out of frustration, balled it up and said “2 points” as you shoot it towards the basket, but missed and it fell on the floor, where you just left it for a while? I mean it’s just a piece of paper, it doesn’t mean anything, it’s there for our use and abuse, and to be discarded, shredded or burned, if it houses the secrets we don’t want others to see, then turn right back around and scream bloody murder, when we see the destruction/the devastation that deforestation brings, like in the Amazons and create organizations called Green Peace, while using the very thing we’re protesting being cut down, burned down, I mean it’s a tragedy to say the least anyway you put it, but that being amiss, being that we need paper to write on, I mean just something to think about that need to be investigated and corrected at some point, which starts with watching our consumption.

In the dream, I was Auditioning (along with others) to get into the Television Industry, and you know how dreams just jump from one scene to the next,’ after I finish Auditioning, I went back to see where I stood, my standing/ranking for position, in other word, did I make the cut, and as I was waiting, there was this guy who came out of nowhere, who started talking to the person in charge on my behave, stating that I had all these credentials, that I had no idea I did, which made them pick me to go to the next phase, ok cool so, in the next phase, (the next part of the dream), I was with this girl where we went onto a set in another building, where when we walked up to the Actors, surprisingly enough it was a group of girl, I knew in my past and I introduced this new friend of mind to them, and was explaining how we just made it to this next phase of Auditions, but while I was explaining, I notice none of them were really listen to what I was saying, but more interested in the girl I introduced to them, walking around her and checking her out, as if they really liked her, so I had something to go do and left this girl with them (mind you this is a dream), and when I came back, I found the girl all battered and bruised as if she’d just been abused, and when I asked her are you ok, what happened, she said; “I’m fine it’s ok, I’m a Toothpick”, then transformed her shape back into a Toothpick and said; “See, I get that all the time”, which surprised the shit out of me and woke me up out of my sleep, I initially started laughing about me talking to a Toothpick and all, but then stopped and started seeing the message in it all, what this dream was showing me.

I mean to look back at all the things we’ve abused, that we’ve taken things out on, unaware we’re only taking things out on ourselves literally, such as kicking and punching walls, when we’re frustrated or angry or throwing our phone or our partners phone, mad for some reason or another, I mean I’ve heard that you can communicate with the things around you as you and if it’s true (which it is), means everything in your world and reality is aware of themselves being you, so why not realize them to be us too, so the next time you go use something that’s there to support you in whatever way that’s need for you, take heed to that thing being you and take care of it, maybe say thank you for a change, I mean I’m sure you’ve said it to money at some point within your life, (Thank god I got this money), which is just a piece of paper, how Ironic, so why not to everything else in your world, this being the realization I had from the dream I had the other day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse some of the things I took for granted as the things around me, I choose to assist and support me in my day to day living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard some of my material possession, by wearing them out before time, due to my frustration, taking it out on any given particular thing of mine that was in the vicinity when I decided to become frustrated and or angry at someone or something that had nothing to do with this particular thing/object.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the support any particular thing gives me, but in return, not take care of this particular thing, that it can support me for a longer period of time (per se)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed in my mind with just me alone, unaware of the things around me being me + me = all one.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand, everything around me as being aware as me, and thus treated them like “This dumb piece of paper,” and so on and so forth, and such.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have broken things because they we’re in my way and I wasn’t aware of them.

Throughout my life I’ve been told to take care of things, for them to last a long time, but obviously I let my mind step in at times to change this equation, but also only saw this as being the superficial things like my music equipment, clothes and cars , which kept me in a way in a limited existence, with a limited awareness of things, so as I am a work in progress, I commit myself to being more aware of Everything around me and my interaction with Everything around me, the things I use and disregard, to at least say thank you, which looks and sound weird if you’re reading this for the first time, but after you start doing some investigation into you, you’ll start to see that everything around me is me.

Thanks for reading.

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Day 487: The Energy Surrounding the Holidays

the-nrgy-surrounding-the-holidaysHave you ever noticed the day after any Holidays, it seems as if it was all for nothing, I mean the energy is gone and we’re left stuck looking at these flimsy ass presents we got to pass the time away, then the next day, we go right back to work? I mean if you could bottle all the energy of the Holidays up and use it as electricity, we wouldn’t have to rape the earth for its resources, but yet and still we would still find a way to do so and sell it to each other as if we created it, just like water, I didn’t make it, but I found a way to bottle it up and sell it to you, with your acceptance.

What are you doing for Thanksgiving, what are you doing for Christmas, what are you doing for New Years, excites/awaken the energy within us from a pictured ideal of having fun, a joyous time. They say you get the best deals around the Holiday Season, the time of year you can really make your family happy and obtain the energy that comes with it, excitement equals energy, equals a good time with family and friends, but only right before the Holidays, because afterward I turn back into a working Ogre with no energy, until my next paycheck.

The energy you get from getting a break from the madness can be overwhelming to the point eating too much literally, falling asleep and missing out on the free time you have, then YOU WAKE UP mad that you overslept and thinking about having to go back to work, was it all just for nothing?

For as long that I could remember around the Holidays I would feel ecstatic with energy, full of excitement that this was a time that everyone would be nice to me and happy in general, the togetherness was what I longed for, where I felt a sense of belonging and acceptance and didn’t want to lose this feeling, so I loved the Holiday Season until afterward, when it would all stop, back to reality, I mean this would happen every year as I was growing up, where I would have all this energy built up within me, in hope that after the Holidays things would remain the same, but it didn’t, every time, people would go back to being their old selves and the world wouldn’t change.

So the other day I felt this energy of old coming up within and as me, when asked what are you doing for Thanksgiving, where I start reminiscing, bringing up memories of when I was a child, having Thanksgiving dinner with my family, which let’s say is ok (per se), there’s nothing wrong with the Holidays from the perspective of the comradery you get when spending time with family and friends, but this energy that possessed me was a buildup of sorts, of having all these positive, happy feeling thoughts coming up in my mind, just to later on after the Holidays be let down and back to the same old shit different day type thing, as I’ve experienced in the past, and once I realized it I didn’t like it, because I knew the reactions it would lead me into, on this emotional rollercoaster of ups and down, being happy to being sad, so to stop myself from experiencing and chasing after this positive to negative energy, Here I’ll do some self-forgiveness to release myself from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase after the energy surrounding the holidays, before the holidays feeling happy and giddy, then after the holidays is over, feeling sad that this energy I had didn’t last.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the thought if the coming holidays excite me, bringing up this positive feeling within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look forward to the holiday season, with excitement, thinking about the time I will have off of work, too much to the point of forgetting at time what I have to do in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring up old memories of when I was a child and having Thanksgiving dinner with my family, that brought on this happy go lucky positive energy feeling, the other day when asked what are you doing for Thanksgiving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not just be, enjoy and remain stable throughout the holiday seasons, but react with this excessive excitement energy to the up and coming times, which would then lead to the downside to this positive feeling, where I would then feel down and out when the holidays were over, as the experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt bummed out, leading up to the holidays, if I didn’t have no one to spend them with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not just enjoy the company of me whenever I had to spend the holidays alone, but would go into being an emotional wreck with all these thoughts of; no one loving me, no one caring about me, and the backchat of ‘fuck em, I don’t need them’, then find myself calling them and telling them happy holiday.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I’m loved when others reach out to me during the holiday season and fed off of that energy, as long as I could to make me feel better about myself and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create conflict in my mind and in person at times, with those that didn’t reach out to me. And so on and so forth…

So you see the energy surrounding the holidays can be very extensive, as it was for me, to the point of experiencing emotional turmoil, from happy to sad to reacting to creating conflict to having a bad time on your time off, making the day after the Holiday Season the worst, then going back to work with a chip on your shoulder, so;

When and as I see myself experiencing this energy coming up within and as me, surrounding the holidays, where, I take myself on an emotional rollercoaster ride of sorts, going from positive feeling energy to a negative emotional energy, then back to positive and so on, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand this energy is not who I am, but what I have define myself to be, for so long throughout my life, that has affected me dramatically throughout my day to day living, leading up to and after the Holiday Season, where I would then experience the self-induced let down period everytime, eventually taking it out on people in my world and reality, which is a relationship breaker.

I commit myself to being the me of stability, grounded-ness without chasing after this energy I know oh so well, throughout the Holiday Season, and to not allow myself to react in anyway whatsoever to the perceived time I will be having, but to walk this time out of my mind and Here with everything and everyone else.

I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing myself to be possessed by these positive and negative energy experiences, leading up to, during and after the Holiday Seasons, but instead to unconditionally enjoy myself and the time I’ll have with me first and others that are around.

I commit myself to letting go of all past memories of the experience of me during the Holiday Season, unconditionally, as bring them up would only perpetuate a reaction from me and ‘I can’t go for that’,

So I commit myself to stop falling for the energy tricks my mind try and pull as a wool over me, veiling me from being, enjoying and expressing myself, Here, as who I really am, during this time of years, so within that I commit myself to being, enjoying and expressing myself, Here, as who I really am, during this holiday season, without the need for energy.

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