Day 534: Shutting Down in a Spit Second

A personal story on how the mind plays game to try an trick you into believing the answers you have is not enough!

shuttting-down-in-a-split-secondBeyond staying up for hours on end, constantly going, with no sense of time, with no regard to the strain I was putting on my body, it could take it, was my belief and for most part it did. I didn’t want to miss a thing, out on any moment of the perceived good times I was having and doing it all without any sudden Shutting Down in a Split Second, although I had help staying up. And then there was times that I wanted to be up but couldn’t keep my eyes open, sort of like a child that’s having so much fun playing, but has over exuberated themselves to the point of dosing off while standing up and/or playing with their friends, like “I’m awake” ZZ, “I’m awake” ZZZ, and end up falling asleep where they are.

But being that I no longer participate in the long hour nights and staying up for days on end with extra additives, It shouldn’t be a problem, staying awake, alert and aware of what I’m doing and/or participating in at any given moment during my awake hours so I thought, I mean I sleep between 5 and 6 hour a night, I go to bed between 10:30 and 11:30 pm every night and wake up between 4 and 4:30am every morning, for most part, when I get up I feel a bit refreshed, no grogginess and then get right at what I do in my morning routine, after which I drive to another location to do my computer stuff and during the drive some time, I find myself dosing off, being that it’s rush hour traffic, but not to excuse me dosing off, it’s still morning time so these dosing spell is not that of being tired, because, a few hours ago, I just woke up, I then do some self-forgiveness and keep driving, and this has happen quite a few time before, where I’ll dose of and wake in the next moment like W.T.F., so after writing this point out a few times it still happens, I’ve investigated the point of me being focused on my breathing, which helped, I’ve investigated the thoughts coming up prior to me dosing off, which helped, I’ve done sounding self-forgiveness, which really helped, but still at times in a split second, I’ll find myself shutting down, without warning, it’s like one second, I’m fine and breathing then the next second, BOOM, I’m not here then come back too like, what was that.

I mean I’ve written about this a few times in blogs, where I’ve eaten sweets and dosed off and fell asleep as well, but I have also eaten sweets and stayed awake, so I’ve been going back and forth with myself on this point for a few years now, also seeing the point of resistance, when it comes to reading and listening to certain thing, I’ll feel the urge to shut down, but with any other things I tend to mostly stay awake/alert (although there have been time where I’ve dosed off during these self-interested moments), and this is all happening during my awake hours, I have to ask myself, is there a need for me to take a nap during the day, when I’m not physically tired and I do understand the point of mental tiredness from thinking too much, where you’re in your mind all day to the point of it making you perceive that you’re physically tired and want to shutting down then shut down. Also, the point of it being my fault at times when it’s just blatant, which I’ve experienced quite a few times.

That being said, I felt that I pretty much had got to the point of getting a handle on it, stopping these dozy into shut down spells, when not doing things outside the norm, that would cause immediate consequences, so whenever the shut downs would occur, I could pin point it and resolve the issue, so I thought, until;

The other day I was driving back home after being somewhere for a few hours, around 2 pm in the afternoon, in heavy traffic after I had some lunch and although I wasn’t tired at all, I felt this dosing feeling coming on strong, while driving where in one split second moment, I shut down completely, long enough for me to run into the back of a person’s truck, then came to like FUCK, I mean I hadn’t been in any type of accident in over 10 years, the person ended up being fine, but I messed up the front bumper of my truck , the next day I wrote out some self-forgiveness on the matter, but still found that it still persist, so this is the point that I’m currently and have been walking for quite some time and would appreciate and accept any perspective, from anyone who have experienced themselves Shutting Down in a Split second, or able to shed light on some points that I’m not seeing, because this shifting has to stop and In the next post, I’ll do more investigating to open up this point more, in going into my past to see where this came from, and see where it leads us.

To be continued…

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Day 533: What More Can I Say, What More Can I Do

what-more-can-i-say-what-more-can-i-doWhen all that I’ve said and done, wasn’t enough to make me into the man I wanted to be, you see, what I didn’t realize is that the more that was missing, that I couldn’t say or do, was/has always been within and as me, take for example the voice, I thought I would never have, to standing up within myself, to no longer participating in the things I once done, being that if I couldn’t say to myself enough is enough, I would still be living the statement, “what more can I say”, to myself in order for me to change me.

What more can I do, but to take a different path then I’m currently on, being that the path I was on, was head for self-destruction, then in to self-destructing and into living my life destructively, without realizing that everything I would touch, would crumble and enjoyed the rubbish, making it hard to see beyond the dust storm of confusion I lived within, where in my mind, I knew what to say and knew what to do, which only kept me stuck like glue to the excitement of not knowing and remaining in search of.

Because In a way I rather enjoyed the process of not knowing, the stagnation of being stuck in between leaving what you knew and getting to where you’re bound to go. I mean the excitement of figuring things out with someone new, who is also in the same boat with you, is ecstatic, when going up stream without a paddle per-se, always ending back down stream in the same place, thinking that as long as I’m in the boat, I’m safe, but that’s not always the case, being that what you’re busy figuring, is but a figurine of knowledge and information, so all that I was saying was only taken for face bases and on the surface everything seemed fine, but in my mind it was shear mayhem, I mean I had gotten used to the disruptive nature of my thoughts, to the point of participating in corruptive behavior and it was all my fault, what more can you say and what more can you do, when the words you used is not one and equal with you?

Growing up the most profound words, I use were; “I don’t know”, at a level of ignorance because I really didn’t know, so when something happened, I would say; “I don’t know”, when someone would ask me, what did you do boy, I would say; “I don’t know”. when it was discovered that I broke something and was asked, who did that, I would say; “I don’t know”, so why when it comes to telling someone else what to do in their life, we say; “I know”, I mean what more can I say and what more can I do, but to change myself first, and you change you.

The point of wanting to know more, is an ambitious way to live , until you get to the more you want to know and find out what it is, where you no longer can say, what more can I say and what more can I do, because that in which you seek to know and found could really change you, so it scares you, but the curiosity keeps you going, and the resistance comes in when you find that there’s work to be done, but what more can I say when I’ve arrive to this point myself, and what more can I do but to keep going when there’s nothing else to go back to.

It all comes down to responsibility, in that moment what you’re all alone with the idea lingering around in your head, there’s nothing to do, will you take the opportunity to walk through the door of change, by working on you, or will you sit back and relax play a game or watch a movie. How many times have we repeated the same thing and ended up drained of energy, when simply all I had to do was look, “In-to-me-I-see/self-intimacy”, to realize the harder life gets is because of me, as if I loved the rage within me, instead of peace and harmony, we hardly take the time to get to know ourselves, which is the only true way to really protect ourselves, our life.

So here I stand with more to say, that I can, with more to do than I’ve done, with more to investigate and more to come. So, for this;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I had reached the epidemy, of saying all that I could, then say; ‘What more can I say”, when existing at a level of ignorance unsurpassable to any knowledge, I’ve ever known, and never lived, when all that I said was based in books and hear say, the nowadays of back then, that I lived in until today now, where I’m able to say more, without a state of mind being present., and more than the state where the phrased was coined; “A mind is a terrible thing to waste”, to not waste time, but get to know my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used the sayings what more can I say and what more can I do, as an excuse of limitation, to not do the work it requires for me to change, instead of searching/seeking for more to say and do, throughout my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume the more of me was missing, without realizing the more of me has always been here within and as me to see/look at, investigate and correct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have participated in the things I’ve done, thinking that that was all I could do, being that that’s all that I knew at the time, and was raised to believe, whole heartedly accepting the limitation that was placed on me, then lived by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have rather enjoyed the point of not knowing, the stagnation of being stuck in between leaving the religious ideology I was raised in, and getting to where I am now in my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought it was exciting figuring things out, when I didn’t know anything per se, but as soon as I got to the point of finding that in which I was looking for, and found that there was work involved, I initially didn’t want to see it/participate in it, because I still wanted to live with a level of ignorance and saying “I don’t know” but the curiosity keep me going and now I’m walking my process that’s all the better for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have time and time again try and leave back doors open to scoot out of my responsibilities to myself and to life around me by saying; “What more can I say”/’ What more can I do” and found myself in a hurt locker, when things didn’t come through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have realized that there is always more that one can say and do in every sense of the words, that all it takes is one to investigate the more out there that we’re not willing to look at, the bad and ugly that’s we exist as within ourselves, the reactions and emotions we perpetuate toward one another. When having a look at yourself, things will come up as the more to do in order to change oneself into correction, then you’ll have more to say in sharing your realization on how you changed.

So you see the more is you, the more is me, but to get to the more one must take the first step in figuring things out for yourself, because no matter how you look at it, we’re not just alright, no matter how much money you have, you’re not just alright, no matter how much you go to church and pray to God, you’re not just alright, no matter how many charities you donate to, you’re not just alright, we’re all basket cases and until we find ourselves out of the baskets of our minds and into the physical, into this physical reality, we’re all not just going to be alright, so investigate the more of you, the more of what you can say and do, and within doing so you’ll find who you really are, but it’s a process, one that takes time, that I’m walking, that many people are walking, from consciousness to awareness, where we’re all saying more and doing more, to change ourselves and then this world into a place we want to be, and see all of humanity and existence leaving in harmony.

Thanks for reading.

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Day 532: Good Deeds (Self-Forgiveness)

good-deeds-self-forgivenessI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have consider good deeds as a charismatic mechanism of trade for reward, praise, monetary fulfillment and/or a better life in the future or in the life after this, instead of seeing it as a naturally normal way of picking myself up, (through another, person, being or life form) off the ground without hesitation or contemplation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separate myself from others in the sense of leaving them to their own momentary demise, passing them by, with a mindset of; “Someone else will come by and help them, I’m in a rush at the moment”, then getting to place I was rushing to, to then realize; “Man I should have helped them” and beat myself up about the missed opportunity to perform a ‘good deed’ as a natural expression of who I am, then (get this) think that I’ll have bad karma for not helping.

And on the other hand, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have rushed to be a good Samaritan in doing my good deed, to lend a helping hand to anyone I saw in need, in the name of good karma, not realizing the expectations, more like future projection of something good happening to me, in itself, cancel out the good deed I had done, meaning nothing came from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been taught that the good deeds you do will make a place for you in Heaven and whole heartedly believed it to be true, when in fact a good deed is not done with attainment in mind, but perpetuated without waiting the time it takes for the mind to come up with, second guess and/or add to, in order to alter your response ability, the action you take in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been a person, that would normally/naturally help someone without second guessing and/or expecting anything but a thank you, (which is something), point being, the stigma I had engrained within my mind since childhood of good deeds being an obtaining Godhood type of thing, always overshadowed the common sense of ‘Do unto others as you would like to be done unto’. Within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the ‘thank you’ in the matter was the actual act of me helping someone, which shouldn’t be prone to any expectation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have in the past, used doing good deeds as a means to fill my suitcase of self-interest, down to the energy one derives from getting a simple pat on the back, which fed my mind as ego pieces of my flesh, then with this energy, I would turn around and give someone a piece of my mind, instead of leaving energy out of the equation, that doesn’t fit anywhere in doing a good deed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the beginning of my process, when things was still becoming clear to me, experience a shock at how I hadn’t considered it being a good deed to help each and every single life form out, from animals, to humans, to bugs and Insect alike, that is until I realize in one moment when my sink was covered with ants and instead of draining them down the sink with water or spraying them with repellent , I moved almost all of them on a few piece of toilet paper, few by few outside out of harm’s way, with no expectations of future reward, for the first time in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand a real, good deed is done without hesitation or thought, stepping in to confuse, disrupt what should be a natural action done, with the consideration of everything and everyone around you for nothing, which is also a redefinition of what a good deed should be and lived in every moment of breath.

So, when and as I see myself going into my mind, before, in the midst and/or after I am to assist someone with something I would want assistance with myself, if I was in the same position and thinking I’m going to/will and/or have done my good deed for the day, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that once the mind steps in, everything goes south, where although you might still help the person/being or life form, you’re doing in in vain out of spite, which only make things that much harder for you to get through, so in essence, you’re actually fucking with yourself into believing the illusion that you will receiving something in returned, and if you do get something you’re only blinding yourself to the fact that you’re missing the big picture of who you really are, in doing unto others as you would like to be done unto.

I commit myself to living the actual act of doing a good deed as who I am as life, without hesitation or any expectation, but with the consideration of all as me, which would be me looking out for and/or helping myself, at any moment and any time, I see assistance is needed from another person/being or life form, as what should be done, with everyone here on Earth.

I mean do you reward yourself, expect something good to happen to you, everytime after you take a shower, or clean up after yourself, or pick yourself up after you fall? I would think not, so why expect something, hope for something, want to attain something to get somewhere, for doing what’s called a good deed, in lending a helping hand out to your fellow man? To remember if there’s any expectation when doing your good deed, it becomes a Job.

Thanks for reading

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Day 531: Good Deeds Pt. 2

good-deeds-ptIn those moments when no one else is watching as an observer, when there’s nothing in it for you, but a possible story to tell, IF asked perspective on the subject that came up unexpectedly, when things are not all about yourself, as a natural action to care for, help any and every form of life/species/insect/human or animal at any given moment, in distress or not, without hesitation, is when you become the good deeds you do/have done.

Since walking my process ‘good deed’ have become but my response ability, being my ability to respond, whenever I see something anything that need sorting out (per se), such as, seeing a piece of paper in my path and not stepping over it, leaving it for someone else to pick up, but to just pick it up and throw it in the next recycle bin I see, now obviously, tis not to say to go out of your way and start doing it religiously, because that would imply that you’re making a religion out of it, looking for a reward in the end, which we’ve somewhat discussed in the previous post, but if you see a trash bin close to where you’re crossing the paper on the ground, it’s just so simple to do it, and funny because, I’ve see all kinds of people, from all walks of life do it, for what it seems as for nothing, and I’m standing there looking like wow ok cool, I’m not the only on, but I haven’t always been like this.

It was more like when you’re not aware of thing, you for some reason just don’t see it, I mean the opportunity for you to step in and do something, passes you right by and every now and then after the fact, you’ll realize; “Man I could have helped that person”, instead of waiting to see if someone else will do something, before you jump in to add your 2 cent in it, thing is, we have become a bit reluctant to help each other out, if they don’t look, act and definitely dress a certain way, which has be proven in quite a few test cases I’ve seen, some would call this non-exchange, not having a heart, heartless, one that doesn’t care what a person is going through, under no circumstances will they lend a helping hand, I mean you can call it because of embarrassment, or out of fear, for the elite, the fear of being seen helping the peasants, scared that they’ll be excommunicated from there peers, their friends, their family or special groups, but what’s our excuse, being that we are the epitome of hope, ones that live by our good deeds in hope of something greater in the future, always in the future, never right now., why is that?

Our excuse is, I got enough to worry about, I don’t need to take on any extra baggage, so to speak, so when I’m in route going somewhere, don’t expect me to do anything for anyone, because I got too much on my mind. (As if that’s really ok), like someone say “Wait a minute, I’m thinking” or another one; “I need time by myself to think”, but did you ever think to ask questions when someone helped you out in a moment’s notice, without question, something to think about.

Good deeds are really not discussed, being that if they were, they wouldn’t be good deeds, but conversation show off pieces, about what one did to be looked at as a saint, while everything else in the person’s life, was self-centered and selfish, but we want to be defined by that one good deed we’ve done, so we talk about it., and if it goes over well with others, we derive energy from it and only then go out and chase after another good deed encounter, in other words we chase after an energy experience.

I mean I could go on for days about the good deeds I’ve done, which doesn’t make me any better or worse than any other person, as while doing them, what was going through my mind’, was this is how life should be, this is how things should normally be, but the thing is to be careful, because it’s fairly easy to become a bit prideful and cocky afterward, as I have experienced, where the first thought that comes up is,,; “Yeah things are going to go right for me now”, then turn around and watch something else screw up right in my face. A good deed should be without any thought behind it, just in the spare of a moment, that catches you off guard, but you’re ready for it, like the reason I’m writing this post, where;

The other day I was at my favorite Mexican restaurant, after I had eaten and was sitting in my truck, a guy came out and jumped on his motorcycle and proceeded to take off, where when I looked in the mirror, the motorcycle and the guy was on the ground, so without any hesitation I jumped out of my truck and went to the persons aide, the guy was alright and needed help picking up his motorcycle, but a lot of things happened in that short period of time, where by the time it took for me to get there, (which was like two seconds) the guy had gotten up with his back facing me asking for another guys help who didn’t move, by that time I got to him, then another guy who saw the whole thing but only came after he saw me there, which shows a few dimension of what we’ve been discussing in this post, from the neglect, to the person only jumping in after they see someone else take the initiative, to me the front runner, but the most interesting part and where the realization came in was when I got back in my truck and the guy had driven away om his motorcycle already, the first thought that came up within and as me was; “I did my good deed for the day” and that’s when it dawned on me like wow, this is how we really think. So, in the next post, I’ll do some self-forgiveness on the point of Good Deed, in how I have defined my reasons for doing them.

To be continued…

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Day 530: Good Deeds

good-deedsWhy do we need such things as good deeds, when it should be a natural thing to help one another? The saying goes; “I did my good deed for the day” thinking that karma is going to sort you out in the near future, but when nothing happens, we sit there in a stupor with this sad look on our face, wondering why nothing good ever happens to me. It’s because we’ve reduced ourselves to doing one good deed a day, and the rest of the time, fuck em’, they can fend for themselves. Like the saying, an apple a day keeps the doctor away, same thing applies, but in REVERSE in this case, where just one good deed a day won’t do a damn thing to change how you experience yourself tomorrow, I mean it’s plain and simple, nothing comes from it, you won’t all of a sudden win the lottery or find a suitcase full of money, and for the simple fact that some reading this may be bummed out, because of what I just said, is why humanity has gone to hell in a hand basket real quick, because we’re always expecting something for doing something, it’s like Ok you did what you normally should do for everyone the same, not just the old lady needing to cross the street, so why is what we do for others, defined as good deeds?

They say no good deed goes un-noticed, and in most cases, it true, but when we expect the person noticing it, or some higher force or being to reward us for the ‘good deed’ we’ve done, is when it all goes south, because now we’re taking from our right hand to feed our left hand so to speak by making others pay for the good deed you’ve done, turning the deed into a job, like a good deed for hire type thing lol.

You can say that we’ve taken on this pattern of always expecting something from someone for doing a good deed from childhood, where for me growing up, whenever I did certain things that I was told to do, I was rewarded and I’m sure for most out there, it was the same, which then carried on into only helping another out if there was something in it for me, I mean check yourself, how many times have you been somewhere and a friend asked you to give them a ride and you replied; “You got gas money” or someone ask you to help them move a few things and you told them,; “I’m busy right now”, or “I got something to do”, but as soon as they say, I’ll pay you or give you some money, your schedule just became open? Weird isn’t it, when the table is turned and the same happen to you.

Then you have those that would rush to lend a helping hand, always saying; ”yeah sure”, “sure yeah”, “No problem, let’s do it” and “I’ll help you”, and on the surface, for face basis, their response/excuse, when asked why are you helping me is; “Because I would want someone to help me if I was in the same position”, which may be true, but within them saying that, is always a hidden starting point and/or expectation of, just because I helped someone else, when I need help, someone else IS going to be there to help me to, and whole heartedly believe this to be true, which creates one hell of a letdown, when there’s no one there to help you in the moment you need help, which you then turn to the person you helped and ask them for help and just so happen in that moment, they’re busy as hell, but you take it as a slap in the face, which is not the case, then become mad and angry at them and possibly sabotage a relationship, friendship, claiming they don’t care about you, because they wasn’t there for you when you needed them, and when they finally have time to get back in touch with you, you don’t answer your phone, in spite of them, all because of what you’ve created in your mind and believed them to have spited you, which again was not the case, as another form of good deed you could have done, without expecting or believing in good karma.

Then you have (really) feeling sorry for someone, so I’ll do my good deed for the day and give them a helping hand, which related to, (Oddly enough), letting someone over in traffic or giving a few penny’s to the panhandler on the corner and/or the homeless guy, or the guy in the wheelchair, or the girl that’s kind of cute, but dressed like a bum asking you for a handout, or the guy standing on the side of the freeway off ramp with a sign saying; “Will work for food, God Bless”, that plays on your emotions, where after you do your deed, you feel good about yourself, which is obviously mostly about money, thinking if I give some money, then I’ll get more money, but not as a real good deed, and of course there is the anomaly, where a person is really in need, which I have experienced on both ends, but we’ll get to that.

Charities, foundations, Drives and Donations is another societal accepted form of doing a good deed, when there would be no need for it in and Equal Money System, which we give to these groups as a way of giving back for all the shit we’ve taking from one another throughout our lives, but call it doing our good deed so karma don’t come bite me in the ass (per se), but what we fail to realize is that we still will face the consequences for what we’ve done onto one another, no matter how much you give/donate, the donations will not change who we have become in our lives, only we can do that for ourselves in self-honesty to really change.

To be continued…

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Day 529: Caring vs Condoning (Conclusion)

In conclusion;

caring-vs-condoning-conclusionWhat it all boils down to is me not caring enough about myself to ever do anything about the way I am, what and who I have become in my life, so I condoned the disempowerment, the fuck ups, the gullibility, the enslavement of myself to my mind, to money, to the things and people around me, I thought was unattainable, to the point of living live in a stupor, a mode of hidden depression that’s so dangerous, because you’re not able to see it on the surface, no matter how much you try to, all you do is run around grabbing onto bits and pieces of motivation to keep you going onto the next piece, and then the next piece and the next, thinking that there’s no way out, but you’re wrong, I was wrong, humanity’s wrong for thinking this way, when the answer is right in front of your face when you look in the mirror, it YOU, I mean that’s why we get caught up wanting to care for/take care of other people really, because we have the slightest clue of how to truly take care of ourselves, outside of eating healthy and staying in shape, because at the end of the day, when you’re all alone, by yourself and can’t stop your mind, who is there really to blame but You?

That’s where the real caring comes in, caring for oneself. And that’s where Self-Forgiveness begins, the ONLY tool/real thing that I know that works, without a shadow of a doubt, if done correctly, more that any PRAYER, more than any Structured Belief System, more than any Faith you’ll ever have or know and BETTER than giving up. Then once done it, (as we have in the previous posts) you apply your Self-Corrective and Self-Commitment Statements, for how you would like to live life and change this pattern once and for all, as such;

When and as I see myself, condoning the lack of care I possess of myself, in exchange for the diluted sense of care that I had for others, where no matter what they do/did, I would condone it, all in the name of a Friendship/ a Partnership and/or being that of a family member, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand, how could I truly care about someone else when it was evident that I didn’t care about myself, meaning I hadn’t taken responsibility for how I was, who I was, what I participate in and investigating my flaws, my weaknesses, my strengths and any other form of self-diminishment I existed as. So I commit myself to putting me first, learning to care for me, more than just my health and physical stature, but to also care about what I participate in, what I say to others, how I treat others, to ensure that everything I do is with the diligence and care one would have for a fragile child, which consist of stopping my mind, my thoughts, emotions and feeling from directing me into reactions, so that I may expand/grow/develop to reach my utmost potential and live care as the unconditional expression of who I really am as life.

When and as I see myself defining care in then most simplistic form, in the sense of being scared, where I find myself saying to someone, “But I care about you”, out of fear of losing them, when things are not going so great, but when everything’s fine, that care turns into, ”I dare you”, as in I dare you to talk to me that way again in the midst of an argument, arguing about how much we really care about one another, which shows that I have defined another dimension of care as an acceptable moment of arguing, in route to the other side or care as a feeling, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that this is a form of carelessness which only has to do with my own self-interest in the moment, never owning up to anything that I’ve done to get me to this point of having to say I care about you, in the midst of an argument and failing relationship, friendship or partnership, which I’d sabotage in my own way and hide behind the word care. So, I commit myself to stopping this lame game that I’ve played with myself for so long, in maintaining this self-destructive nature of mine, to no longer accept and allow myself to say that I care for someone, when in fact I only fear losing them, due to my negligence in the relationship.

When and as I see myself, thinking that others really care about me, just by saying it, but their actions show different, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand the level of gullibility I have existed as throughout my life, falling for a kind word or gesture, when it was just her or him that would reap the benefits, of my acceptance of a false sense of care, which spoke volumes about me wanting to be in a relationship, friendship, partnership that bad, that I would compromise who I am by condoning the things they did. In fact, it being my fault in the matter, when things didn’t work out the way I thought they would/should, so I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to fall for the word I care about you, from other, as I see/realize/understand these words are superficial and said from a starting point of wanting something for someone and/or maintaining a point of comfortability that is experienced with this, that or the other person.

I commit myself to no longer use the words I care about you to manipulate others into liking me or doing thing for me, as I have experienced the same being done to me which is not pretty.

I commit myself to no longer taking things to heart and getting caught up in a web of lies, because I choose to lie down in a bed of comfort with someone, who told me that they care about me and so I condoned it, but instead to confront what it is that I’m condoning within myself first, then about this person and with this person, to see if the starting point is that of Real Care, or is it to fulfill one’s own wants/needs/desires, and if it’s the latter to make hast to leave the place.

When and as I see myself, condoning that which I see within someone that doesn’t resonate with me, but I accept it for a few moments of self-enjoyment, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that this condonation, serves as the damnation to the person in question, mean I’m doing more harm than good by condoning what they do to themselves, I mean where’s the care in that, by letting them keep falling and destroy themselves, because I don’t want to lose the comfortability I get from what they do for me, is being as assessor to the consequence to be faced and experienced by the both of us.

I commit myself to no longer leading others on, down the path headed for self-destruction, being that this shows my own self-destructive nature, that I condone within myself that has to stop, but instead to look within myself and see what I’m not allowing within me, to not allow/condone it within anyone else, that I’m figuratively close to, or getting to know.

When and as I see myself, condoning the things I have done myself, wanting to relive or repeat them, when similar moments reoccur in my life, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that these things that I’ve condone has been the downfall and catapult to the self-destructive ways I have lived my life, where I have abdicated my responsibility to life for selfish reasons, and had no idea that I was living self-less (with no recollection of who self really is), So, I commit myself to staying on the path of self-investigation/self-realization/self-introspection and intimacy, to get to the point of condoning only that which is assisting and supporting to me and my process, my life and that which is best for all life, always in all ways.

Thanks for reading.

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Day 528: Caring vs Condoning (Self-Forgiveness) Pt. 2

Picking up where I left off: Day 527: Caring vs Condoning (Self-Forgiveness)

caring-vs-condoning-self-forgivenesspt2I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life, used the word care in the sense of ‘Taking care of”, meaning my expectations of being taken care of, was at the fore front of how I have defined this word, which consisted of being enabled, then depending on this enablement, because I’ve been used to it for so long, so if someone said they care about/for me, I expected them to in a way take care of me as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to do things for me, in relationships and when they didn’t, I was confused and took it as a sign, for me to not care about them as much either, and in doing so, I sabotaged a lot of the relationships I was in, all because of the different ways I have defined the word care/caring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condone myself for the way I was, where the things I did, I excused as necessary, that I needed to do them in order to uphold the character I was in at the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condone, what I did to myself, in disregard of my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condone the way I treated people in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condone the emotions and feelings, coming up within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condone my reacting towards other, instead of seeing where in my world have I done the same to someone else, that was being done to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for the longest, condone myself sitting around and being lazy, at times throughout my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condone abdicating my responsibility to life, for self-interested reasoning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condone the way others would treat me with disrespect, within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condone myself treating others with disrespect as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condone what others did out of the fear of being spited/rejected/ostracized and alone and by condoning some of the things people in my world did, I then found myself alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define condoning as the excuse that Con-done-it meaning (Consciousness done it), not ever owning up to, it being because of my acceptances and allowances that I let myself be directed into condoning the things I did to myself and in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just have sat back in my mind and condoned my life going to hell in a hand basket, really quick, until I stopped myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait so long to stop myself from letting my life go down the tubes, to the point of when I found the truth of things, I initially didn’t believe it, I didn’t believe that all this time, what I was condoning was not the truth of the matter and that, I was condoning the opposite of consideration, the opposite of self-trust, which was in essence being dishonest with myself and at the same time believing I was being honest.

Goes to show, what we live as we condoned, into the downfall of a life gone extremely wrong, as self-condonation.

To be continued…

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