Day 540: Hidden Resentment

Telling yourself that I’m over it is not a solution or resolve to the way you feel about someone who’ve done you wrong in some way or another in the past. We tell ourselves Yes, I forgive them, but then when we’re alone by ourselves, looking back at the situation, we tend to forget our placement in the matter, meaning putting our self in the position of allowance for such thing to happen to us, I mean is it really all their fault for doing what they did? It could be in some cases, but if you hadn’t gone through that experience, would you be better or worse, is the question we chose to manipulate when answering it to ourselves, then later on tell ourselves; “Man if I wouldn’t have gone through that, I would be in a different space right now, meaning (simply), less aware of things if this wouldn’t have happened.

Especially life changing experiences, where by you going through it and/or someone putting you through it at the same time while going through a transition in your life, ends up all the better for it, and we recognize this to ourselves, but then in the back of our minds looms the resentment of; “But they didn’t have to do me like that though” or “The way they treated me was completely unacceptable”, although I’m in a much better place now = I haven’t as of yet gotten over it completely, I mean you can see this person and have a normal conversation with them, even go out with them (maybe) lol, doesn’t mean that the resentment of what you hold within yourself about what they did to you is gone, on the surface it may seem so, but underneath the façade we really resent this person.

I guess we deem it easier to keep the blame factor alive and bring it up as a talking point when someone else has a gripe against this person as well, by saying things like; “You don’t know the half of what they did to me” and accept the point of gossip more than the point of forgiveness, simply because we haven’t forgiven ourselves and let this memory and the point of resentment go unconditionally.

And every now and then we Re-Send a Mental projection of damnation towards them (Re-sent-ment), secretly saying; “Damn you for doing this to me”, spiting their existence in a way, but then turn around when you need them, claiming; “It’s all good”, that’s my boy’ or She’s still my friend though”, it’s a wonder how we keep up this game, going from resentment to mentally draining ourselves to falling asleep with a chip on our shoulder, then waking up refreshed because we let our mind rejuvenate itself with new, more efficient Whitty way to get back at them without them knowing, then feed off of the energy that comes with it, claiming I feel good today for some reason, not realizing that good feeling comes from resentment and is detrimental to our well-being in the long run.

Running away from seeing the gratitude in what you’ve been through, that made you a stronger person today, has the capacity of catapulting you back knee deep in the shit you once pulled yourself out of and through to back standing again, and if you’re not careful a well fed mind possession can do that to you, where you lose all focus on reality and your process, and through resentment you re-send your ass back through the spiteful behavior of another human-being, because first off as it seem we haven’t learned our lesson the first time to be humble and grateful for this experience we’ve been through, and secondly we just manifested this onto our own self again, by harboring “Hidden Resentment” towards the person in question.

The question is what would we want for ourselves, would we want to be forgiven once realized our mistake in the matter, I mean I’m sure it’s probably hard enough for the person who perpetuated this act onto/towards you to live with themselves, to live with what they did to you hanging over their head, especially if you really know this person, so by compounding what they’re currently experiencing with the hidden resentment you hold against them, you become equal to that which you resent them doing unto you and therefore, share the consequences of what happened to you.

Even on a smaller level of let’s say embarrassment, meaning someone, a friend embarrassed you in front of a bunch of people, and the only thing you can think about is getting back at them, so what clouds you mind is this hidden resentment and thought of what you should do at the opportune time to return the favor (so to speak), the consequences will still be the same as if it was on a major level, it doesn’t pay to harbor hidden resentment in Any way, I’ll tell you first hand, haven been on both sides of the coin, where the most recent for me was during this last transition phase in my life =

To be continued…

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Day 539: More Self-Forgiveness on Guilt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as guilt throughout my life, unaware that this guilt has limited me in a way where, I’m not seeing certain thing that I should, in order to correct and change my everyday living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest this guilt within and as me on a physical level when I was 2 years old.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear whenever this guilt is threatening to come up within and as me, where instead of facing this guilt and correcting it within myself I suppress it even more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when I’m not able to help others out when they need it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when others need my help and I’m not able to be there for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty, when I see someone sad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when I don’t follow my routine throughout my day and/or my routine get interrupted, where I end up doing things out of place/turn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty, when things don’t go my way and there’s nothing I can do about it in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself feel guilty when, I say the wrong thing, but mean something different, instead of realizing that this may happen sometimes, where a thought would come up in the midst of me explaining something else, but there’s no reason to feel guilty for it, only to correct it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty, when I have dozed off and wake up with this guilt looming over my head, as if I just did a really bad thing, then go into frustration and anger at myself, instead of seeing what’s really taking place, as in why my mind is trying to shut down and what is it that I’m not allowing myself to see/realize/understand in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to afterwards, once I realize, the frustration and anger are for nothing/was useless, I become guilty again about getting angry and frustrated at myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think guilt only come up, when I do something bad, instead of realizing that guilt can come up at any given moment, about any certain thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself feel guilty, when sexual thoughts come up within my mind out the blue, instead of just forgiving then first and foremost, I immediately go straight into guilt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt guilty after a conversation with my ex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when I see others going through a hard time, where the guilt comes in of not being able to do anything about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when there are things that I’m not comprehending in the moment, then go into frustration and judging myself, for not being able to see through and comprehend it, into figuring it out, instead of taking a breath in the moment, stepping back and having a second and third look at it, if need be to understand it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when I didn’t do my chores growing up, and when my mother got home, she would ask me did I do my chores and I would say no and get in trouble for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when forgetting things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty, when I forget to do things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty, when someone frowns at me, for no apparent reason.

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to let guilt exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that this guilt is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used guilt as a form of manipulation, in trying to make other feel guilty for something that happened to me, instead of taking full responsibility for the situations I put myself in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have manipulated others into feeling guilty for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have manipulated others into feeling sorry for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when I make a mistake and/or miss something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the gullibility in being and feeling guilty.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize how I compromise myself by feeling guilty at times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think others are my responsibility, instead of realizing I have a responsibility to myself first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become guilty about certain things that has happened in my life and have experienced wanting to give up in the past, because of the guilt I let plague me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when others blame me for things that I didn’t do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when I accidently bump into people and say excuse me, but they look back at me angrily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have had this timid, guilty feeling to come up within and as me, when around certain people in my life that I considered more superior than me, because they had more material things than I did.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when I don’t complete something, in a certain timeframe that I was supposed to, instead of jumping right in on it from the beginning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when something happens due to my negligence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay too much attention to other people, to the point of thinking I am responsible for their happiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put too much responsibility on my shoulders in relations to other people, friends and family member’s, then becoming guilty when I’m not able to help as much as I would like to, instead of realizing, I have enough problems on my own and can only help after I’ve sorted myself out first.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand how guilt as I have defined and manifested it within and as me, is/have been detrimental to my wellbeing and my life, where it’s imperative that I release myself from this guilt, in order to live my life to my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let guilt eat at my flesh, instead of taking self-responsibility for what I am experiencing guilt for in the first place. So;

When and as I see myself, experiencing guilt, feeling as if I’m guilty in relations to what others are going through, that I take on my shoulder as my responsibility, when in fact it’s not, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand the consequences I’m putting myself through, by thinking it’s my responsibility to protect other emotions, which is asinine to say the least, being that first off, I’m wasting valuable time I could be using to get to know myself, to investigate my own thoughts/feelings/emotions, to protect myself from my mind and be more concerned about my own well-being, instead of feeling inferior to what other are going through, when there’s nothing I can do about it, and secondly my main responsibility lies within myself, not lying to myself that I’m even able to help someone else, when I have my own problems to deal with and my own process to walk – to learn me first, to the point where I am then able to assist and support other, without any guilt looming over my head or lurking around me. It’s me that’s making me feel guilty as the gullibility I exist as, that I have caused unwarranted consequences onto myself, for egotistical reason that was beyond me, but now looking beyond the veil of guilt, I let the ego take revenge, and I see/realize/understand, that what’s within my power is me/myself and I, to get to know, correct and change, to get to the point of me living my utmost potential as who I am as life. So;

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow the guilt of what others are going through to disempower me, but instead to be reluctant to so easily give my power way to an idea that I’m able to do something about what others are facing, leaving it all up to me, where if I’m guilty of anything that I’ve done unto myself, to see it, face it, correct it and move on, to no longer be a hanging post for guilt, but to instead cut all ties from it and continue walking my process.

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Day 538: Visiting the Past Vs Re-living The Past

visiting-th-past-vs-reliving-th-pastOften time when looking back at the past/visiting the past, what tends to come up is the words, “I wish” or “Only if I would have”, where we somehow think that if we would have done things differently back then, we would be living a different outcome today, which is not really the case, where the saying then goes, “If I only knew what I know right now back then, man things would be different” and live out this mind recollection for a period of time, that takes us into re-living the past, where we end up making the same mistake, falling into the same traps and facing more of the same consequences we’re already facing, because this picture in our minds of “what if”, looks so appealing, as we appeal to the feeling it gives us, and the energy we extract from this self-created re-visualization, we use it as a time loop from our past, when living out our future, which make our life but a repetitive experience, coming from the past into living out a future projection of our past and always skipping the Here and Now, then wonder why things don’t change in our lives, why do this reality remain the same? For the simple fact that we never learn from our history, we only blame it on being His-Story, in abdicating our responsibility of realizing we had an equal part in creating the History we all live in today.

The same thing goes with visiting a friend, where we visit them, but don’t feel the need to move in, do we, and if it’s a real friend, we learn something from them, taking something with us from this visit, and go back and make corrections in our own individual lives if need be, so visiting, in this sense could be connected to learning, which is what I’m getting at, in a way, in this post.

Re-living on the other hand constitutes sameness, meaning I liked it so much, and/or wanted to alter what I did of the same thing so much, that I did it again… and again… and again…, like ground hogs day, but never getting to the point of understanding the message in it all, like if you spayed perfume on shit, do you think it would smell better or would it still stink, thing is it might mask the smell for a moment, (meaning you might think that your changing something by re-living and altered version of the past), but the shit still stinks (meaning you’ll end up facing the same problem and going through the same situations, if not corrected correctly), which is the case that I have lived time and time again.

What brought this topic up was, recently, I’ve learned of 2 friends from my past, (some decade + ago), lives just minutes away from me, on either side of the city I live in, and for context of these friends, we were all living in Hawaii and played Basketball together, amongst being tight as friend, where we got to know each other pretty good, so basically the good, the bad and the ugly, we have experienced together.

So before meeting up with these friends, what start coming up, was the point of not knowing what to expect in them, along with a little anxiety on how they would perceive me, as who I am now verses who I was before, that I then corrected within myself and met up with the first one, then together we called the second one, which was pretty cool, where the second friend now has a family with a son whose plays basketball and had a game yesterday, so we all met up at the game and had a cool time, in which afterwards only the 3 of us hung out and what was interesting was our reminiscing of the past was more like a visiting of the past, where what stood out in the conversation was the changes we’ve made in our own individual lives and the realizations of how we used to be, with the misbelief of some the things we did, while accepting the responsibility of it being our fault, which to me was somewhat unexpected, but appreciated at the same time, how there was no talk about wanting to go back and re-live anything.

Also what was assisting was, the first friend told me something that I had did, (unaware till the other day) in relations to him/unconsciously towards him, that sort of altered his life, that made me realize, that you never know the affect you have on others, aware or unaware when participating in the things you do and how it could be a changing factor in someone’s life, which opened my eyes to how in a way, what I perpetuated toward him, unaware that alter his life, was in the same way perpetuated towards me that altered my life, as a consequence for having done the same towards him. And although I truly couldn’t have known, I still forgave myself for this act and explained to him how I saw it, where at first, he was like “what” you didn’t know”, but when I showed him how this was the reason I faced the same thing in my life, he understood.

So, within that answered some questions in itself, that I had about how my life had taken a turn, which showed me my own creation as a cross reference to things being my fault, which I am grateful for. What I realize is that you can visit the past without going into, the “I wish” and “what if” scenarios and into wanting to re-live it, but only if your visiting becomes a learning experience and a realization process, in which case you’re able to correct what you see in the moment.

Thanks for reading.

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Day 537: Suppressing Guilt

In the previous post, another dimension was opened up in relations to my Shutting down in a split second, here’s for context;

supprssing-guiltAfter looking deeper into this point what was found is; Suppression, suppression, suppression, when getting a reading from Kim A, where what came up is the fear of looking at the point of guilt within myself in relations to my mother and an old memory that I have suppressed since I was 2 years old, where because I was so small, it’s possible that I was faced with an experience that I didn’t know what to do with at the time, in relations to me seeing something happening with my mother, or that I perceived was happening to my mother (that I can’t remember) that I felt the need to protect her, but I couldn’t because I was too small to, so I suppressed it, along with believing that somehow I am responsible for my mother’s happiness now. Within that, what started coming up throughout my life is backchat in relations to all the emotions I experienced of sadness, guilt, loneliness, boredom, tiredness, remorsefulness, inferiority, isolation and sleepiness – with regards to my mother. And with this having happened at a very young age, would be why the shutdown pattern is so physically manifested within and as me now, due to the memory being on those deeper levels within my subconscious mind.

So basically, the point of sleepiness/dozing off comes up whenever this point of guilt is threatening to come up within and as me, but I don’t want to see/look at it – so I shut down. (In a nutshell).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt on a deeper level of my subconscious mind, where, I have suppressed a memory since I was 2 years old, in relations to my mother, that I somehow, feel that I’m responsible for her happiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have remained in this state of guilt throughout my life, that has caused consequences that I am facing today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this suppression accept the backchat throughout my life coming up in relations to all the emotions I experience of sadness, guilt, loneness, boredom, tiredness, remorsefulness, inferiority, isolation and sleepiness – with regards to my mother that carried over into my daily interaction with things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience shutting down, because of the suppression of guilt is so physically manifested within and as me, being that it first happened when I was 2 years old, that for years I wasn’t aware of, so then, begin feeling guilty in unrelated matter throughout my life. Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself have felt guilt about the way I was raised, when being around other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within carrying around this guilt, isolate myself away from other in feeling remorseful for no reason at all, as it seem, meaning I was a sappy son of a bitch.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through suppressing this guilt, have always felt inferior towards other, living in a limited state of mind, where if I saw others doing more than me, having more than me, I would feel less than them – that I wasn’t capable of having what they possessed or doing what they do, as a belief I’ve ingrained within and as me, due to the suppression of guilt manifested within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to because of isolating myself, experience loneliness, where I felt, if I would enter a relationship with someone, somehow, I would be responsible for their happiness as well, which unconsciously, I didn’t want that responsibility on my shoulder again, as I still had the stigma of what I experienced when I was 2 years old in the back of my mind, keeping me at bay so to speak, causing me to isolate myself into being lonely, during my formative years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to whenever this guilt is threatening to come up within and as me, I don’t want to see it and suppress it back down, as a pattern I have manifested within and as me on a physical level, causing me to shut down in a split second.

Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress guilt within and as me, and have been doing this my entire life, to the point of making me sleepy and tired at unforeseen times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced sadness, due to the guilt I was suppressing within and as me, with the believe that I was powerless to do anything about certain situation that happen throughout my life, so perceiving myself to be powerless, brought on this sadness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have perceived that I was powerless to do anything about what I experienced back then in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have easily become bored with things, due to the guilt I suppressed within and as me, that unconsciously took up space in my mind, enough to keep me distracted, to the point of finding other things boring, when they really weren’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become worrisome because of the suppression of guilt I existed as, where by having a guilty mind set, I would worry about what’s to come, and whatever I faced, would I be able to handle it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project this worry into the worst case scenario, of not being able to handle the things that would come up in my life, which is a mind game in itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand this shutting down in a split second, is a way of shutting myself off to the world and the point I must face, walk through and correct in my life, so in a way, to see this as a gift handing me a piece of the code to understanding myself and correcting me.

When and as I see myself, fearing to look at the point of guilt within myself in relations to my mother, that has turned into whenever I experience guilt I suppress it, hide it within myself, not wanting to see and correct it within myself, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that this guilt, houses the consequences of me shutting down at the most unforeseen moments which has caused me to get into and accident a few days ago, so I commit myself to looking at and correct this point of guilt within and as me, to stop this dozing off and shutting down spells that I be having.

When and as I see myself, accepting the backchat coming up in relation to feeling disempowers to do anything about my happiness and the happiness of other, so I then go into sadness, guilt, loneliness, boredom, tiredness, remorsefulness, inferiority, isolation and sleepiness, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that others happiness is not my job, to the extent of taking on their problems as if they were my own, but instead to deal with these emotions I experience and stop myself from feeling guilty all the god damn time for not being able to resolve things for other/protect other, as in the memory I possessed within me since I was 2 years old, in relations to my mother, so I commit myself to irradiating this guilt from within and as me meaning, first off to stop paying more attention to others than myself, and secondly, to understand that we all make mistakes in which the understanding of how to resolve things is not always instantaneous, but at times will take time, there no need to suppress the guilt of not being able to resolve the problem that I have taken on as mine in the moment, that only cause more emotions.

I commit myself to no longer Isolating myself, behind the guilt I carry around, but to lose the guilt, which would bring myself back to the forefront of living my life and expressing me, who I am as life.

I commit myself no longer feeling remorseful for no reason at all, but my mind saying that I should be, but to instead, become resourceful, in finding ways to remove this guilt that’s so physically manifested within and as me.

I commit myself to detaching myself from the thought Idea, that I am inferior to others that I see, have more than me and/or can do more things than me, by equalizing myself to the understanding of all as one as equal.

I commit myself to at the end of the day, take self-responsibility for how I experience myself, how I have acted things out/let things play out in my life – to no longer accept and allow myself to let guilt bog me down, but instead to stand up from within and as it and to release myself of all memories I have of my past, that has connected me to this suppressed guilt for too long, unconditionally, so I can return to my formal child innocence before whatever took place did, that I had defined myself as this guilt.

So in essence, I have been living in a cycle of things, starting with the point of guilt that I have carried for so long and suppressed it, to where now every time I feel guilty about things I suppress it, causing me to go into this sadness, as if I can’t do anything about what I’m experiencing, then into isolating myself, because of this sadness, then because of the isolation I start feeling lonely and bored, which turns into becoming tired and falling asleep all stemming from the suppression of guilt. So, this is a work in progress in my process as I keep walking.

Thanks for reading.

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Day 536: Shutting Down in a Split Second (Self-Forgiveness) And some…

This is what I saw initially.

shutting-down-in-a-split-second-self-forgiveness-and-moreI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced myself dozing off and falling asleep, as a child sitting in church, because of the perceived point of not wanting to hear what was being said.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced myself dozing off and falling asleep, as a child siting in church, because of being inundated with knowledge and information that scared the shit out of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced myself dozing off and falling asleep, as a child sitting in church, because of what was being said didn’t resonate with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in a way use dozing off and falling asleep, as a way of rejecting what I was hearing, while trying to accept it at the same time during the service, simply because I couldn’t retain all that I was hearing at the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doze off and fall asleep as a child whenever I had to sit still for a length of time, when I perceived things were too long.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut myself off into the mind, at times during my school years, through selective hearing, where when things seemed a bit complicated on the surface, if there wasn’t a one on one interaction of help with me and the teacher, I would retreat into my mind, validating the excuse I would give myself that nobody is helping me, so it must not b for me to learn, not realizing I was limiting myself by doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut down in boot camp when sitting, waiting and listening to someone speak for long hours, because of sleep deprivation, which is common in the military.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within relationships, find myself dozing off and falling asleep, whenever we would go out to movies, where I would experience boredom when the movie didn’t have enough action in it and/or when I didn’t want to hear what my Ex had to say in lengthy conversations, which created a communication gap in our relationship, leading to the downfall of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced myself shutting down, whenever I would resist doing process related things, such as my writings and doing my DIP Lesson Assignments, as well as listening to interviews.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experienced myself shutting down from thinking too much, where when I’m in my mind accepting and allowing thoughts and memories to come up back to back without stopping them, I accept and allow myself to doze off and/or shut down completely in a split second, for a split second, then come back too like WTF was that, not realizing how dangerous it could be when doing things physically.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to investigate this point of shutting down in a split second in its entirety, but instead looked at bits and pieces here and there and expecting things to be alright, then found myself experiencing consequences for not doing a thorough investigation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced myself shutting down in a split second, at times when I didn’t follow the commitment statement I wrote on particular points, but fell back into doing them and found myself shutting down, which was a wakeup call to say the least.

When and as I see myself, participating in dozing off and falling asleep and/or shutting down in a split second, because of not wanting to hear thing, because of the perceived idea that things are too complicated, because of selective hearing, because of sleep deprivation, because of being inundated with knowledge and information, that scares the shit out of me (past tense), because of the things I resist doing, because of sitting waiting for long periods of time which shows my impatience, because of not following my commitment statements and because of spending too much time in my mind without stopping my thoughts, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that all these experiences are brought on by my own negligence to not following through with the commitments I wrote on these points, to change and live my corrections. So I commit myself to re-looking at specific points that I tend to not readily follow through with, make corrections if need be, and re-walk them and my commitments.

So, at first look, these times and points throughout my life is what came up, where I experienced myself dozing off and falling asleep, but also I experienced the shutting down in a split second more so, when these points were not present, meaning more investigation was needed, So;

After looking deeper into this point what was found is; Suppression, suppression, suppression, when getting a reading from Kim A, where what came up is the fear of looking at the point of guilt within myself in relations to my mother and an old memory that I have suppressed since I was 2 years old, where because I was so small, it’s possible that I was faced with an experience that I didn’t know what to do with at the time, in relations to me seeing something happening with my mother (that I can’t remember) that I felt the need to protect her, but I couldn’t because I was too small to, so I suppressed it, along with believing that somehow I am responsible for my mother’s happiness. Within that, what started coming up throughout my life is backchat in relations to all the emotions I experienced of sadness, guilt, loneliness, boredom, tiredness, remorsefulness, inferiority, isolation and sleepiness – with regards to my mother. And with this having happened at a very young age, would be why the shutdown pattern is so physically manifested within and as me now, due to the memory being on those deeper levels within my subconscious.

So basically, the point of sleepiness/dozing off comes up whenever this point of guilt is threatening to come up within and as me, but I don’t want to see/look at it – so I shut down. (In a nutshell) And with having a look at this perspective, I’ll do more investigating.

To be continued…

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Day 535: Shutting Down in a Split-Second Pt.2

More Investigation…

shutting-down-in-a-split-second-pt2As a child, sitting in the Pews, in the second row, on the left-hand side of the Sanctuary, at church, during Sunday morning service, I made an valiant effort to pay as much attention as I could, which wasn’t much, because (hypothetically speaking) my fund kept running out and found myself dosing off and Falling asleep, I often wondered was it the point of me not wanting to hear what was being said, was it the point of being inundated with knowledge and information, that scared the shit out of me, was it the point of, what was being said didn’t really resonate with me, or D). All of the above?///// Interesting how when you’re forced to do something as a child you naturally rebel, without knowing that you’re doing so, and in this case the rebellion came in the form of an unconscious awareness of dosing off and falling asleep, which catapulted the whole “Shutting down in a split second” ordeal that I am currently facing, I mean like WOW, that says a lot in itself, but let’s continue.

Oddly enough this only really happened when things were too long, especially during church, where, back then, they would get up and talk for hours on end, (as it seemed), so it was almost as if I was trying to reject the brainwashing that was being imputed into me, causing me to shut down in a split second, so here you have a few interesting points playing out thus far;

1. Being that of rejecting while accepting something at the same time, and –

2. Being that of being still for a length of time/when things are too long.

Basically during those time is when I mostly experienced myself dosing off and falling asleep, but during grade school, junior high and high school, I didn’t experience myself dosing off during classes, it was more like shutting myself off into my mind and not hearing what a few of the teachers were saying, which do show a level of shutting myself down, through selective hearing, where when things seemed a bit complicated on the surface, if there wasn’t a one on one interaction of help, with me and the teacher, I would retreat into my mind, validating the excuse I would give myself of; “No body helping me, so It must not be for me to learn” and I wasn’t going to ask for help, because that was the teachers job, to make sure every student comprehend the subject matter, which in my case, didn’t happen.

So, here we have the point of Shutting Myself Down, through selective hearing, where if something seemed complicated on the surface, if I don’t have immediate help to simplify it, I would retreat into my mind, this being another pattern I have engrained within and as me. [Side note] What I’m starting to see/realize while writing this, is that deep rooted problem solutions, can’t be seen on the surface of oneself, making it only possible for the person experiencing the problem (Me) to dig deep within myself to find the solution, by going back in time to where/when/how I first experience myself having this, that is now a problem, interesting. Moving on;

When I was in boot camp that was the next time I experienced myself dosing off at times, during certain classes and being that we were sometimes sleep deprived would be because I was tired, then at times the shutdown would occur, again due to long hours of sitting, waiting and listening to someone speak, it’s like I needed to be doing something moving around interacting physically with people and things, that would keep my attention into not shutting down.

So, the points here is Sleep Deprivation, which I have at times throughout my life disregarded my physical into doing, where what I saw more exciting took precedence over resting my body, and thus at times I experienced dosing off and/or shutting down in a split second, because of allowing myself to not get enough rest/sleep.

Then you have within a past relationship, doing things with my partner, like going to movies, where I would fall sleep, because as it seemed to me the movie was boring, it lacked of action and excitement I found interesting that would keep me awake, but any other time, It wouldn’t be a problem of me staying up and alert.

Within that what stands out is the Boredom with thing, where I would dose off and end up falling asleep when things seemed boring i.e. movies etc., which was one of the main causes of me so easily yawning into dosing, into falling asleep, during lengthy conversations, seminars, classes, church and other things that would take some time to get through.

Be that as it may, when I started process, things changed dramatically for me and my life, in my life, where I learned how resistance worked, how when I resisted doing thing, I would experience this lethargic feeling coming up within and as me, then going into yawning, dosing off and shutting down in a split second, same thing with learning about my mind, where if one is/has been in one’s mind too much throughout their day, they will become mentally tired, but mistaken as physical tiredness, although they physically didn’t do much throughout their day. And the point of yawning, I realized after watching a video on it, where I learned that in the moment the yawn occurs, one should be weary of why the yawn occurred, being that at that moment is when you were/are supposed to hear something and/or pick up on something of a realization that the mind doesn’t want you to see/realize and/or hear, so it (The Mind) starts it’s shutting down process, consisting of a yawn.
How these point affects me into shutting down is as follows;

Point 1. Resistance – The resistance to hearing new information, and at times applying the tools of self-honesty, meaning not wanting to face what I see happening within me. Self-Forgiveness, meaning not going in depth enough, getting to the specifics/root causes of the problems. And listening/reading/doing my lesson assignments, where because it was working on me, I would shut down in a split second, as if I experienced a dimensional shift of sorts.

Point 2. Thinking too much – where sense I’ve started realizing and seeing for myself just how much I’ve been thinking throughout my life, I began to think even more, lol, on how do I stop these thought, which in essence create more thoughts and so on and so forth, making myself mentally tired, which is what I would say is one of the main reasons of me shutting down in a split second. Ok so;

Point 3. The point of Yawning, I would say is the first steps the mind use as a warning signal or sorts, saying that I’m about to shut down, so make sure you close all application, just as a computer would tell you, meaning, that you’re getting to know yourself a little too much, so unless you seek stimulation elsewhere, I will shut completely down, BOOM that part/trap right there is what I didn’t heed to apply self-forgiveness on, the warning signal of my mind.

But interestingly enough all it takes is that one split second of not FOLLOWING through with the commitments you’ve written on ANY said point – to find yourself (and maybe your pocket as in my case) in a hurt locker, meaning the consequences can be Immediate, making this a lesson for me and all in learning that what you commit to, it’s a must to follow through on, or else the accumulation of consequences awaiting, looming in the background will come to the forefront and play out as an unwanted but Need assistance to get you back on track, as I have just experienced first-hand, so in the next post, I will walk some self-forgiveness on the points brought up during this self-investigation.

To be continued…

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Day 534: Shutting Down in a Spit Second

A personal story on how the mind plays game to try an trick you into believing the answers you have is not enough!

shuttting-down-in-a-split-secondBeyond staying up for hours on end, constantly going, with no sense of time, with no regard to the strain I was putting on my body, it could take it, was my belief and for most part it did. I didn’t want to miss a thing, out on any moment of the perceived good times I was having and doing it all without any sudden Shutting Down in a Split Second, although I had help staying up. And then there was times that I wanted to be up but couldn’t keep my eyes open, sort of like a child that’s having so much fun playing, but has over exuberated themselves to the point of dosing off while standing up and/or playing with their friends, like “I’m awake” ZZ, “I’m awake” ZZZ, and end up falling asleep where they are.

But being that I no longer participate in the long hour nights and staying up for days on end with extra additives, It shouldn’t be a problem, staying awake, alert and aware of what I’m doing and/or participating in at any given moment during my awake hours so I thought, I mean I sleep between 5 and 6 hour a night, I go to bed between 10:30 and 11:30 pm every night and wake up between 4 and 4:30am every morning, for most part, when I get up I feel a bit refreshed, no grogginess and then get right at what I do in my morning routine, after which I drive to another location to do my computer stuff and during the drive some time, I find myself dosing off, being that it’s rush hour traffic, but not to excuse me dosing off, it’s still morning time so these dosing spell is not that of being tired, because, a few hours ago, I just woke up, I then do some self-forgiveness and keep driving, and this has happen quite a few time before, where I’ll dose of and wake in the next moment like W.T.F., so after writing this point out a few times it still happens, I’ve investigated the point of me being focused on my breathing, which helped, I’ve investigated the thoughts coming up prior to me dosing off, which helped, I’ve done sounding self-forgiveness, which really helped, but still at times in a split second, I’ll find myself shutting down, without warning, it’s like one second, I’m fine and breathing then the next second, BOOM, I’m not here then come back too like, what was that.

I mean I’ve written about this a few times in blogs, where I’ve eaten sweets and dosed off and fell asleep as well, but I have also eaten sweets and stayed awake, so I’ve been going back and forth with myself on this point for a few years now, also seeing the point of resistance, when it comes to reading and listening to certain thing, I’ll feel the urge to shut down, but with any other things I tend to mostly stay awake/alert (although there have been time where I’ve dosed off during these self-interested moments), and this is all happening during my awake hours, I have to ask myself, is there a need for me to take a nap during the day, when I’m not physically tired and I do understand the point of mental tiredness from thinking too much, where you’re in your mind all day to the point of it making you perceive that you’re physically tired and want to shutting down then shut down. Also, the point of it being my fault at times when it’s just blatant, which I’ve experienced quite a few times.

That being said, I felt that I pretty much had got to the point of getting a handle on it, stopping these dozy into shut down spells, when not doing things outside the norm, that would cause immediate consequences, so whenever the shut downs would occur, I could pin point it and resolve the issue, so I thought, until;

The other day I was driving back home after being somewhere for a few hours, around 2 pm in the afternoon, in heavy traffic after I had some lunch and although I wasn’t tired at all, I felt this dosing feeling coming on strong, while driving where in one split second moment, I shut down completely, long enough for me to run into the back of a person’s truck, then came to like FUCK, I mean I hadn’t been in any type of accident in over 10 years, the person ended up being fine, but I messed up the front bumper of my truck , the next day I wrote out some self-forgiveness on the matter, but still found that it still persist, so this is the point that I’m currently and have been walking for quite some time and would appreciate and accept any perspective, from anyone who have experienced themselves Shutting Down in a Split second, or able to shed light on some points that I’m not seeing, because this shifting has to stop and In the next post, I’ll do more investigating to open up this point more, in going into my past to see where this came from, and see where it leads us.

To be continued…

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