Day 588: Character Not Working Out, (I am) Pt.2

It’s fairly easy to slip back into an old character, being in an oh so familiar environment of one’s past, which in my case/this case, is being back in the gym working out again, where the test comes in when knowing that you’re there to focus on you, your body and what you’re doing in the moment, then find for some reason (from my perception) that it seems as if every girl in the gym came and use every other machine around and next to you, where I had to chuckle there for a moment, because I now see what’s going on, and everytime I would move to the next machine, it would happen again, where it was obvious that it wasn’t a coincidence and if it was, it was one hell of a one, but despite seeing all this, to tell the truth, I still caught myself looking and wondering and then snapped myself out of it like; “Hold on this is not who I am any longer” and got back to working out for me.

It’s funny how instant improvement is all we want to see, and I realized this point through Desteni, where I hadn’t considered that things take time, that there’s a process to everything, I was just impatient, so when it comes to being in the gym, after every set, we tend to look in the mirror, lol to see if there’s any change from a few minutes before we did a set, to now, which I now see is where and how I would start drifting into character creation, and losing sight on what I’m there to do and who I’m really there for, which is me.

I mean to see how to the extreme I once was, when looking at myself through the actions and eyes of others, as all these old memories come rushing back up within and as me, for example; of worrying about what others would think about the light weight I have on the machine now, being that I’m starting over , is quite daunting to say the least, while saying to myself; “Man I was that Self-Conscious”, that doesn’t affect me now, because now I’m working out for me and my body, instead of for the masses in the gym, as if it was an open competition to see whose doing the most.

But looking at yourself in hindsight is revealing how we ‘Pay’ for the attention we get, through the pain we inflict onto ourselves, in most cases unaware that we’re doing so, with the Ideal lingering in the back of our mind of, “No Pain No Gain”, but what is it that we’re trying to gain, that we think we’re gaining, from seeking attention from others, through this infliction of pain onto ourselves?

It’s pretty fascinating the things we blame on others, they made us do it, when in fact it’s our own Ego and Character Creation that we followed into being the way we are and experiencing what we’ve done unto ourselves, where in the long run, whomever we were trying to impress is long gone, and we’re left with a beat-up body into being out of shape again, all for the wrong reasons.

The problem I face, which is really not a problem, but a face I put on an old character while in the gym, is that of keeping a straight face and focus when you’re seeing so many others seeking attention, directed towards you, (Again my perception) where it just so blatant to the point of wanting to say, ‘yeah I see you’ then get back to what you’re doing, but not in the sense of superiority/Inferiority, but just saying, where in bringing it back to self, it’s rather sad to see myself playing out right in front of me and then react to what I see, as something I never corrected in my past, so for this, in the Here and Now;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have had a starting point for working out to impress others, mainly girls, where whenever I would go into the gym, beforehand, I would create this superiority Character as if I was better than anyone there and would do things to be the center of attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then let this character work out for me, instead of me working out with the starting point of obtaining a compete connection with all my extremities working as one unit to achieve my physical utmost potential, to become one and equal with my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have perpetuated the show off character, in trying to show off what I could do and how much weight I could lift to the people around me in the gym at the time, as if I was in some form of competition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, seek attention from others while working out in the gym going to the extremes at times whenever I would see a girl looking at me , where after a set, I would start huffing and puffing as if I was really doing something, then put on this tired/it hurts face, for some form of sympathy, while peeking out the corner of my eye to see if I got her attention, and if I did I would continue this pattern over and over again to the detriment of my own physical body.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/ understand the damage, I was doing to my physical body, through perpetuating these characters, where I would overexert myself, in the moment chasing after the energetic rush of being the center of attention and would only realize it later on through the experience of cramps, pulled muscles/muscle strain and stretch marks, and of course excruciating pain, but wouldn’t heed the warning my body was giving me to stop this Nonsense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when walking passed the mirror in the gym, erect my posture to fit the character that I was perpetuating at the time and with a cocky proud demeaner, touch my arms and flex my muscles as if to gloat about the way I was looking, which I see was only my Ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my body in every way, back then, by putting myself through the ringer, so to speak, then wonder why I would always be in so much pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in disregarding my body, would eventually experience a disconnect with my joint, where my joints would become sore from after a period of time of not working out, then found myself slouching while sitting down in chairs and even standing up at times, as well as becoming tired throughout my days, and so decided to start working out in the gym again, but this time for me and not to impress others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, being back in the gym, although there’s a difference in my starting point, still find myself at time, attempting to drift off into an old character of looking at girls who’s around me/looking at me, instead of focusing on myself, I start wondering about them, where I then have to relocate myself and bring myself back here, saying; “Hold on, this is not who I am anymore” then get back to working out for me.

So, when and as I see myself being back in the gym, where there’s this urge coming up within and as me, of wanting to impress others, through the perpetuation of a character, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand, from the consequences I’ve faced in the past, that these characters are detrimental to my physical well-being and have no place in my working out, as with these characters I tend to over-do it and end up hurting myself, so I commit myself to working out for me to get that much closer to being one with and equal to my human physical body and experiencing the connection, I’ve been working towards in my process.

Thanks for reading.

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Day 587: Character’s Not Working Out

I am, as something I tell myself, because recently I’ve joined a gym and started working out again after quite a few years of not doing much, where the only thing I’ve done throughout the time off was maybe a few pushups here and there and a little arm work and of course ride my bike, (as that was my only means of transportation, there for a while), but not any full body regiment as I once did many years ago, and the interesting thing back then was, and the main reason I worked out always had to do with someone else and never for myself, as a complete connection of all my extremities working as one unit to achieve my physical utmost potential, to become one with my human physical body, aligning every muscle to one accord, and although I may have been in shape way back then, it was all for show, to be seen by someone and/or talked to and about as someone cool, because of the way I looked, as looks prevailed and was of the utmost importance to me back then, being that I was living a superficial life.

So, while working out in the gym back then, I would perpetuate a character every time I would see someone looking at me, where if it was a girl, lol, I would start huffing and puffing as if I was really doing something, then put on this tired/it hurts face after my set, as the ‘show off character’ for some sort of sympathy, while peeking out the corner of my eye, to see if I got her attention, but on the other hand, if it was a guy, I would put as much weight as I could on the bar and max out for one set, as if I was antagonizing him like saying, ‘see that’, then would end up eating my own words when someone else would came up and put on more weight than I could ever lift, at which time, it was time for me go.

Thing is looking back on this, it really didn’t make any sense because, I would be the one going home sore, experiencing cramps and pulled muscles, which only hurt my body more than it helped in the long run, you see, it would then take me an extra-long time to heal myself and get better and then once I got better I would do the same thing all over again, letting which ever character I deemed fit work me out, and another thing was whenever I would walk passed a mirror in the gym, I would look at myself and erect my posture to fit the character that I was perpetuating, touch my arms and or cockily flex my muscles, as if to say to myself; “Man you good” lol., which was only my Ego talking.

I mean it’s funny looking back at how I used to be really stuck in my mind with a big Ego, thinking/believing that I was living the good life, but it is no laughing matter the way I turned out, before I started walking my process, but when I started my process I remember writing a blog entitled Exercise, where I talked about the disregard I had for my body while exercising and was pretty much weary about doing any exercise at all, so from that point up until recently, I only road my bike out of necessity, until I got my truck, then there was nothing, outside of doing a bit of physical labor at times as work.

What I then experienced was sort of a disconnect with my joints, where my joints would become sore from not being active and I would find myself slouching while sitting down in chairs, and even standing up at times, as well as becoming tired throughout my days, as if I lacked the physical energy to do anything more than just typical work related stuff, outside of that I really had no life, and didn’t make any me time, but would finish my days off sitting behind the computer screen, so when the opportunity presented itself, recently to join a gym and start working out again, I jumped to the chance.

So, in the next post I’ll continue with the experience of me, being back in the gym and correcting this Character defect I existed as, that still at times rear its ugly head.

To Be Continued…

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Day 586: Keep It Pushing (Moving Forward In my Process)

Whenever I’ve made a mistake in the past and/or have fallen when walking a particular point, there’s a pattern that I follow of having this sort of extended depressive feeling lingering around within and as me and although this feeling is in relations to the point, brought on by beating myself up about the fall/mistake, for example, me telling myself “what was I thinking”, this depressive feeling also comes from thinking about how others would view me now after making the mistake and writing about it, which I know is a form of self-judgment, spawning the thought of wanting to give up to come up within and as me, but I end up doing the only thing I know how to do, at this point in my life and that is to “Keep it Pushing”, and eventually move passed the point and let it go.

Thing is, the in between time from making the mistake/fall and getting over it and letting it go is way too long, as something I need to correct and practice doing in the moment, but hopefully not too much practice, lol, meaning that would be a lot more falling, but to do as I was assisted with to do, which is after correcting myself to simply breathe and let it go, as the time wasted could have been used for something else in my life, so for this;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to after making a mistake and/or falling when walking a particular point, follow a pattern of having this sort of depressive feeling lingering around within and as me, for an extended period of time, instead of learning from my mistake/fall, correcting it a simply letting it go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel depressed after making a mistake/falling, instead of correcting myself in the moment, which would stop the depression from coming up within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need to feel bad as punishment for the mistakes I make, instead of walking my corrections immediately afterward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste too much time in this depressive state, in between the time I’ve made the mistake and when I finally decide to correct and get over it, breathe and let it go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into this depressive state also when thinking about how other would view me now after making a mistake a writing about it, as I see/realize/understand that I am paying too much attention to what others think, when it should be all about me and how I’m going to correct myself, to no longer repeat the same mistake again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the mistakes I make and the falls I have, when thinking others may judge me, then find myself in this depressive state for too long.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought of wanting to give up, still come up within and as me, although I know that I’m not, I see that the thought of it still exist within and as me, and needs to be released.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have carried this pattern around with me throughout my life, of after something has happen, a mistake and or something I’ve done, to feel depressed about it, as in showing remorse for what I’ve done, as this was the Ideal way to be in the religious belief system I was raised in, so God would forgive you.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the time I wasted in between the mistake and getting over it, could have/can be used effectively for something else I need to work on in my life. I see/realize that becoming depressed and or feeling bad for what I’ve done, for an extended period of time, longer than the momentary realization of what I’ve done in the moment, is useless and so a waste of time, so;

When and as I see myself being “stuck on stupid” in this extended depressive feeling mode past the point of being aware and realizing what I’ve done to myself in the moment, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that the time wasted in between the mistake and getting over it, can be used effectively for something else that I need to work on in my life, therefore this depressive state of being is useless and what I should do, is to Keep It Pushing, because without that there’s no progress in my process.

I commit myself to first off being aware of what I’m doing at all times to cut down/cut out the mistakes I make/have made, to no longer accept and allow myself to get pushed in the corner and end up fall/making a mistake to get out, but to see what I’m faced with and make the correct decision on how to move forward when moving forward with what it is.

I commit myself to no longer judge myself for the things I’ve done/mistakes I’ve made, but instead to learn from it and simply let it go, in the moment.

I commit myself to correcting, learning from, breathing and letting go of the mistakes I make in the moment, as the way to keep it pushing, to no longer accept and allow myself to waste time being depressed about what I’ve done, but to get over it and move on to the next point in my life.

Thanks for reading.

“Keep It Pushing”

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Day 585: Internal Rage Pt. 2

The reason I chose this topic to write about is because there has been time throughout my process where it felt as if I was climbing a mountain upside down, then would become frustrated and not knowing how to put myself back right side up again. Thing is and the reason I would experience this rage is because of knowing that there’s nowhere to go back and give up to, I suppressed the emotions/feelings and reactions that would come up, and was too proud to try and reach out to other for any form of help, so I was like a barrel of electromagnetic energy waiting to ignite and believe it or not it did happen before.

One day as I was walking through the grocery store, I walked passed this man and his kid and as I passed him, I slightly brushed against his arm that let of a tremendously loud spark and shock, like POP, which startled me and the kid was like Whoa, cool and at that moment I knew that something wasn’t right, that I was carrying around all this energy and need to somehow ground myself, but didn’t know how to or what was really going on inside me and this was before I really started walking process but knew about it, I also knew that I was experiencing internal rage that caused this energy build up and eventual shock, because of what was going on in my life at the time.

So after I started really walking my process, I started to understand the energy that was me , that I had accumulated over the years, and suppressed it to the experience of internal rage, and although I no longer experience this rage on that level, (because I’ve walked through most of the points I was facing back then), I found that it’s still easy for this build up to occur in the context of walking process and getting to know and understand all the new knowledge and information that I’ve inundating myself with and applying it to my life, while realizing that what I went through/going through was/is still my fault as well, could be rather overwhelming, I mean still to date, at times I experience this , but realizing that internal rage suppressed can be detrimental to one’s wellbeing, and projected outwards, turns into blame and manipulation, can be detrimental to one relationships with others;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, to have suppressed thought/feelings/emotions and reactions that would come up within and as me, accumulating into Internal rage, that I’ve experience as an energy build up within and as me, as I walked around shocking people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this internal rage as a form of manipulation, trying to manipulate myself and others to comfort me in a way for what I was/.am experiencing as a flood of emotions and feeling, instead of writing it all out myself and applying self-forgiveness for it to release this energy I existed and still exist as, at times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate energy within and as me, from reacting and going into mind possessions thinking that no one cares about me, and or others are out to get me, instead of realizing that I’m making it all up in my mind and believing it to be true, which in fact is not.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand That this internal rage is nothing more than a defense mechanism to the mind, for me to remain in, and continue perpetuating my same old Patterns/Way/Behavior and Habits, being that if I experience resistance to something and realize it, must mean that I’m getting to a point of self-awareness, therefore this internal rage is useless.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to really look at the things I rage about within me to see that I’m allowing these pointless miniscule things to control me, but if I have a look at them, I would realize how simplistic it is to breathe through my reactions, forgive them and simply let them go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe that I am powerless to do anything about this rage that exist within and as me, that it’s hopeless, that I’m hopeless and will never get/understand the simplicity of what’s right in front of my face, instead of realizing how ridiculous that sounds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have grown into a powerless human being throughout my life, up until this point in my life, so when now, realizing how powerless I have become, and there’s a way to fix this, to empower myself, I resist doing so, by hiding behind this rage that exist within and as me. So within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind the rage I existed as, instead of empowering myself to move beyond it, and take responsibility for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have put up a shell of being cool/calm and collective externally, while internally raging against the brainwashed machine that was me, recycling old thoughts and memories from my past, to relive in the confines of my mind and rage about what I coulda/shoulda done but didn’t, that ends in blaming others for doing things to me, instead of forgiving and letting these memories of my past go unconditionally.

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to give myself a tainted foresight of things to come in my imagination, due to the rage I let blind me from seeing me, right here, right now, in front of me, in the present as everything around me, that would keep me focused on me and not on others in or outside my family/friends or people in my world, in other words no one is out to get you/me because I haven’t got myself as of yet, which is only an investigation away from correcting myself from thinking like this.

In turn from rage to reconstruction consisting of laying out instead of playing out my past under a microscope, highlighting the trigger points as thought and memories causing me to react to, instead of attacking the root cause, forgiving it, and redefining a word to live in the place of it, as the corrective application that would keep you/me from going back into this Internal rage I let myself exist as in the experience of me Here and Now. So.

I commit myself to live the words Inner Peace as to walk in self-awareness of any movement what so ever coming up within and as me, to in the moment stop, breathe, forgive and live the next supportive word that I see, throughout the rest of my day, sleep then wake up and repeat. No more Internal Rage ‘Delete’.

Thanks for reading.

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Day 584: Internal Rage

When you get to the point where you feel there’s no solution to what you’re experiencing, brought on by a mind possession of thinking that you’re less than and just don’t get things like everyone else does, I mean it feel like you’re on another page than everyone else and no one care what you’re going through, is when you need to STOP right there, take a step back and breathe, then realize the fact that you’re experiencing this internal rage is proof enough that some form of change is taking place within and as you, for the simple fact that you are seeing/realizing this movement within you in the first place.

The hard validation of a pattern/habit and/or behavior that you exist as and want to keep doing, is when you rage internally about it and fight tooth and Nail trying to find some form of “Right:” within it, to the point of making yourself believe that your way of doing things is better then, just doing them the correct way, even though the correct way may seem harder than your way of doing things, is only because one haven’t really given the correct way of doing things a chance, enough to see that it works, which was a major problem I had, when working through things, not to say that it easy by any means, because when you’re starting from scratch, it’s like you’re playing catch up to people you really don’t know and haven’t ever met, but not as a comparison thing, just literally, where words on the internet is one thing and talk to and meeting someone is another, but only complicate things in the midst of investigating oneself, where it should be all about you/all about me.

Point being, these things could cause one to experience internal rage if not careful, thinking that no matter how much you try you’ll never be a part of what’s really going, so when you let these thoughts fester within and as you, you start to make un-informed decision, in formation to what your mind is presenting to you and making you believe.

A sense of powerlessness and hopelessness is what comes up when experiencing this internal rage, to the point of becoming drained, inundated and overwhelm by these thought, because you then find yourself looking for acceptance, but haven’t accepted the fact that you have to take the initiative to investigate for yourself you and the solutions to the you that you’re experiencing/facing, I mean because the tools are right here, given through investigating Desteni and/or walking the DIP courses.

But the most crucial part of experiencing internal rage is when you get to a point of somewhat understanding what’s going on within and as you thinking that you got a grip on things then slowly start slipping back into old ways/habit/patterns and behaviors, by telling yourself, all I have to do is to forgive myself for it later, then wonder why things start becoming worse, why all of a sudden you’re angry at things, thinking that you’re just standing your ground, so your anger is validated, which couldn’t be that much further from the truth, and the anger is coming from knowing that you’re slipping internally and letting yourself sink deeper and deeper into rage, then depression, blame and victimization, thinking then eventually stating “You did this to me”, it’s all your fault”, as if that’s possible, without giving your power away.

Which is the point of the problem, where for the longest, throughout our lives, we’ve had things blamed on us since childhood, where some parents would say ‘See look what you made me do” and or “this is going to hurt me more than you”, which is oddly enough the beginning of internal rage for some of us, where we’d rage in wonder how could you say this to me, after you just beat me, and I’m too young and powerless to do anything about it, but at the same time, when we get older, not seek out the understanding of why this happens.

But for those of us who have found the answers that we were looking for, who have somewhat began investigating ourselves, what I found is that we use this internal rage, as a form of self-manipulation to try and get over on ourselves, when things become a bit overwhelming, like saying “Stop for a fucking Minute” instead of breathing through the assistance we receive from ourselves as our support system, and if that works, we’ll try taking it one step further and using this internal rage as a ploy for help elsewhere, when the healing of self comes from self-help, so help yourself to correcting you/and me me.

To be continued…

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Day 583: An Outsiders Perspective

It’s been some time since I’ve been back in my home town, driving and looking around at what’s left of once a thriving city, where families were built to create a since of belonging, belonging to no one but a belief system of hope, hoping to someday leave this place and bring back to it what was learned during the time away, but something changed, where the dreams were never reached, because back at home, no one was taught about the plight of the world and got lost in all the lights, glamor and glitz that make one never want to return.

What’s left is such a depressing place for a depressed state of mind for those whose left behind to live in and clean up such a mess that was made and left, where the overwhelming sense of purpose has dwindled down to a flicker of a flame, just enough to survive in this desolate place, maintaining jobs that pays peanuts, just enough to buy moments of free time after work, consisting of a 22 ounce of beer and a joint to take one’s mind off of this depressive state, until one falls asleep and wake up to do it all over again the next day.

For years I’ve been an observer to this and have watched countless of old friends and family members maintain this form of existing, thing is, when we become stuck in on frame of mind and one frame of living life, it becomes pretty hard to see anything changing in the near future and if you were to tell someone that it’s all your fault that you exist the way you do, they’ll look at you after asking you and say who asked you.

But despite all that one goes through in the environment in which they live, such as being here in Flint/Michigan, there is an unspoken acceptance to the way things are, where the attitude is; ‘’If this is all I got, I’ll make the best of it”. In every household, there’s a ticking Clock that chimes on the 12 while time slowly passes you by, and if you sit there and listen to it, you start to wonder, where have all the time gone, into how have I spent my time while away, have I made a change within myself from the person that I used to be, that I still see within and as my old friends and family member’s and if not, I’m sure it’s easy for one to slip back into a depressive state, as what’s seen when looking and driving around this old town.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience as an observer a depressive state when visiting the town, I grew up in, where seeing how everything has went downhill since I left, can easily put one in a depressive frame of mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become depress, when I have visited before where, there was a sense of wondering, why have I chosen this life and this town to be raised in, not realizing that this was because, at the time, there was no change in me, to experience as myself, therefore, what I was experiencing was remnant of a past I never forgave corrected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt sorry for others that are still here in my home town, instead of realizing this sorry feeling was really toward myself, because of the lack of change within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have when dealing with my mom and dad back then on previous visits, not have the patience and understanding, realizations that it’s not their fault for where and how I was raised, but instead shrugged my shoulder of responsibility that I had/have the opportunity to make a difference in my own life, which I later took and was all the better for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have at one point separated myself as an observer, in separation from those who I grew up with, acting as if and just because I no longer live here, that I never have been a participant, which is a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have tried to hide the fact of being a participant and living in this once thriving town, where I wanted to disassociate myself as far from it as I could, once I had gone away and the town had gone down.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand, that no matter where I go and for how long I’m gone, whenever I come back, the fact still remains, that this is where I was raised and equally played a part in how this place turned out to be, so there’s no reason to look at my home town objectively, but to see and correct what I can about this town, as this part of me, internally , that would be my first step in to correcting my relationship in my mind with my home town.

When and as I see myself accessing this depressive energy whenever I’m visiting my home town, where there is a sense of feeling sorry for being from whist I came, I stop and breathe, I see realize understand that this sorry feeling is not really towards others, but towards myself, where I have become sorry that I haven’t changed and/or experienced change enough in my life to see a different me, in which if I had at the time, I would have come to grips of everything that I saw as being a part of me and taking responsibility for it, so I commit myself to seeing all as me, that I see around my home town and to not get down into a depressive state, but to remain stable and correct those parts that I see needs it within and as myself.

Thanks for reading.

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Day 582: Jumping the Gun

In rush hour traffic, we tend to jump the gun everytime we seeing an opening in the other lane, but as soon as we jump over into the other lane it comes to a halt, and the lane we were previously in moves ahead, where we’re then wonder why we switched lanes in the first place and if you’re stuck in traffic for a period of time, (such as the LA traffic), you’ll find yourself doing this quite a few times until you reach your destination, which can get a bit nerve wrecking, for those who are not that used to driving and waiting in rush hour traffic for an extended period of time.

Now the same of sorts I see happening in one’s process, where let’s say your Mind is like rush hour traffic and the points you walk through are like different lane, where we’ll start in one lane, working on/walking through one point, then get to a point where you’ve walked everything you see in the moment, thinking that you have a grip on it, and then go to change lanes/move over into the next point and come to a standstill, but when looking back over at the previous point, you’ll find that you’ve missed something, because something is still moving inside you, that cause you to slip back into and old behavior that you didn’t see, but decided to jump the gun, and move onto the next point/the next lane in rush hour traffic, as your mind, then end up saying; “Man I’ve been down this lane/road before, but did see the underlying point (the pothole) I just slipped into, because it was blocked by the cars in front of me, before I switched over into the other lane and on to the New point.

Point being, I’ve found myself doing this a few times in my process thus far, that I see has/is only prolonging my process, where, what may seem as a resolve to a point that I walked, may at times only be a mirage, because I haven’t tested every aspect of the point I’ve walked out thoroughly, so then when a different approach comes my way, I’m not ready for it, meaning, I didn’t see that coming, but could have, if I would have tested for myself that approach as well.

Sometimes placing oneself in a similar position of reaction (for example), that one has walked through, is not the only test needed to confirm that one gets the point/have walked through into transcendence of the point, the point, I mean I’ve once heard that a point must be tested out in every possible way, to check and see if there’s any movement what so ever coming up within and as you, and if so, then you haven’t totally transcended the point, meaning there’s something else that needs more investigating;

Which I wasn’t following all the way through, but have only gotten to the point of making sure I didn’t experience any reaction on a major in your face level, but on an subtle, constant nagging by someone (per se), I wouldn’t really check myself on those, but just do a quick self-forgiveness and push it aside as if it was a fleeting thought, but it wasn’t, it was now a suppressed reaction, which over time would accumulate into one big reaction that would come out at the wrong time, all because I jumped the gun and moved on to the next point without totally clearing myself from the first point first, now it’s like having to back from scratch, and re-walk the point up until the part I missed and take the time to re-investigate it again.

So, at that point was where I kept finding myself, giving myself the runaround in essence, to the point of something a bit more serious happening, from having missed the underlying point of a point that I’ve previously walked. Know my initial reaction was to beat myself up about it, but that would have only created a new point for me to walk through, and what reminded me of this fact was, after explaining this to someone, they simply said; “You have walk that path now and learned from it – so simply breathe and let it go”, because I have a tendency to hold onto things a bit too long, but as a learning, understanding, correcting in to live experience, I now see/realize the importance of testing out a point in every possible, conceivable way, before “Jumping the Gun.

Thanks for reading.

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