Day 912: How I Fixed Myself Pt. 2

In continuation of the previous Post:

And being that we haven’t experienced what they are experiencing at the moment (in detail), anything that we say to them will go in one ear and out the other, but this too shall pass. So the question is; how can one become fixed/fix oneself?

Stubborn and hardheadedness only reside in the eyes of the beholder, the assumers consumed with the idea that all is lost – that one cannot come back from where they’re at, (which for quite a few, may be), but for me I stepped into a testament, that it is possible to move beyond one of the most extreme situations I’ve found myself in, that ended up being the better for it, and no I didn’t find God, Jesus or Buddha or even ascended anywhere, oddly enough I only focused on the experience of me inside myself, while in my mind exploring my external reality internally, meaning I didn’t stop what I was doing to myself until I had had enough.

In spite of what was going on around me, I became inquisitive to elevating my perception of things, and so felt the need to open my “Third Eye” (As I called it), so dove into the deep end with energy fixes without resistance, where my idea was to fix all my worries/anxieties/fears and insecurities, you know the “Normal” things human being deal with on a daily basis, and at the moment of indulgence it worked, I mean for the first time in my life, I felt so alive and could handle it, or so I thought, that is until thinking too much became the fault line that shook me to the core of my being, with no consideration of what this energy was doing to me.

And because I had a massive amount of energy built up within me, at one point I became like static electricity, in the sense of almost everything I touched I would shock, seriously, where there was this one day I was in the grocery store food shopping and walked past a man and his son, and as I slightly brushed up against him in passing, there was this loud POP/ shock that startle him, me and his son, where his son turned around and said “Whoa did you see that”, but still then it didn’t sink in how much energy I was addicted to and emitting from my body through my mind, that was inevitably harmful to myself and others that I would come in contact with.

Where on the surface it seemed exciting, but hurt the purpose of me existing in this state of being, and in my mind I thought I woke up to reality, and that everyone else was missing out, so surrounded myself with those that journeyed with me down this long dark road, I mean I was “Fixed” and no one could tell me nothing, which is what happened, no one did, because I wouldn’t listen but heard them, hmm – which is what we’re good at in this reality, Not listening, but hearing with no comprehension in context of what’s being said.

And being that I was keen on the presentation of myself, in public I didn’t want to be seen at a low, so stayed away from public places, but felt the need to document this experiment (unknowingly though) where in the end I had made around 400+ little snippet videos on a little flip camera I had, for no other reason but to get out what was coming up within me (In hindsight), I mean about time I entered process, I had 400+ points to walk through and correct lol, which I wouldn’t suggest others doing and was a hassle for me to get through, but needed.

Interesting how throughout this whole time, I chose to keep my focus on one thing at a time, like my music making/Photoshop and graphic design, computer stuff etc… but within that negated my responsibilities for a ‘pleasurable’ focus so to speak, and Yes I had people in my world continuously asking what are you doing, so I came up with the premonition that – once I’m able to induce this feeling onto myself without anything I’ll stop, and because I excused myself with this statement so much, I tricked myself into believing it, then did it, (But can’t forget what finding DESTENI did for me) where one day I woke up and had had enough and not a moment sooner.

Thing is I never really liked the lie of a feeling that would come and go, extreme ups and bottom dropping downs, which makes the chase thereof a can’t wait thing, I mean that’s how energy is, like with money when you have it you’re happy, and when you don’t you’re sad, and although I knew the road I was taking, it took me walking it to get through it, and ultimately see/realize/understand that this worst of me, is not who I really am, but fascinating to say the least.

This also create a big divide between me, the people around me, my family and friends and those who took this deep dive with me, into being totally alone – that for some, like me, it took the aloneness to realize “what am I doing here”, that can only come from within, and those who’ve always had my back was still there when I came back, without judgment or suffocating statements of finger pointing proportion; that’s needed if it’s really about support, so in hindsight I had to redefine what “Fix/Fixed/Fixedness” meant to me, therefore;

From Fixed as a put together reality (in definition) through energy fixes that placed me into an alternate reality in my mind, to pulling myself out of it and into a baseline fixed position of stability (as a redefinition), allowed me to be Fixed in/on Process, and although there is plenty other points I’m still walking, I gifted myself the fix needed to get through this one, remembering that Process is a lifetime not a quick fix.

Thanks for reading.

About carltontedford

In Process.
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