Day 884: Don’t Want to See it (Just a Point)

Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first it’s practice to deceive, but interesting how the deceit I find is an attempt to turn a blind eye towards what comes up in the mind, we somehow connect to others that has nothing to do with our thought process, but suppress the negative in what these thoughts are, wondering how is it that I attach others to the worst of what I think, where if not corrected correctly could come up when least expected, unless we purposefully blame what’s coming up on another that they can’t see but feel within their being, like direct seeing but unaware of what we’re really looking at, that I have experienced as the negative, something must be going on, then go into fear about it as if I did something wrong, suppressing the movement that moved me away from being here, until the next positive energy comes up and think I’m in the clear.

It’s fascinating how we’ll get a feeling, a chill of sorts where the hairs on the back of our neck stands up and think somebody must be talking about me, or get an itch in the palm of our hand and thing I’m about to get some money, then sit there waiting and nothing ever happens, then suppress it because we don’t want to see that it’s not real. Makes you wonder if anything we’ve ever thought about is even close to being real, I mean I’ve remained hopeful throughout my life thinking that change would just fall in my lap, as if I could take a nap and wake up a changed person, like praying to the lord ‘please take these burdens away from me’, then get off my knees thinking now I’m saved, because I begged and pleaded to some unseen entity, but what remained is the same thoughts, same feelings, same emotions, and hide the fact that I’m still the same care-actor during devotion, hoping that no one notices what’s still coming up in my mind, and so have become crafty at creating things to hide behind.

As a child growing up we looked up to people telling us what to do, and how to be and what we should do once we’re of age, I mean I became comfortable in following the beliefs of what they said, and created my life around it thinking no one can tell me anything, and when someone would try I didn’t want to see it, and so hid behind the idea of trying to embarrass another in front of others, pointing out (superficially) what I deemed as flaws in them, that I also got from growing up and being exposed in front of the church, as a protection and defense mechanism to not be put in the hot seat, but if I would’ve just looked at what they were saying I would have seen more of me, to so move forward into correcting the worst of me to bring out the best of me.

But I didn’t and now I’m sitting here writing out how I didn’t want to see it, that could have cut time off of my process by just having a look at it, because what I didn’t realize is that when having a look at what you don’t want to see, soon comes the acceptance that what I have been existing as and now become aware of still (for most part) needs correction, like I can’t correct the present by sweeping the past under the rug, and try walking into a character presentation of change that’ll make matters worse, for me, because the past is still present that’s why these unexpected thoughts continue to surface, so the dessert to it all is to correct the past first. Therefore;

What I found is that I still existed as some old patterns/habits/ways and behaviors from my past, that I didn’t want to see then and still at times not now, thinking out with the old and in with the new, leaving the past in the past, unchecked and uncorrected, and although some points have been walked, there’s still a lot of memories left, and wonder why the same s*** keeps coming up in my mind, it’s because before letting things go unconditionally, I hadn’t embraced it as a part of me/pieces of me that I continue to let float around in the back of my mind, waiting to be triggered by an idea/picture or perception of another, or even a smell can possibly trigger old thoughts/memories to come up, then all hell breaks loose, in the sense of being overwhelmed by them, when all I had to do was to accept the bad and ugly also as me, to be introspected and corrected to start directing my life accordingly, and sort out what I don’t want to see that comes up from time to time, to in time express the best of me all the time = Have a look at it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed, to have paid too much attention to the things I didn’t need to see, instead of having a look at the things I don’t want to see, where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have deceived myself into turning a blind eye towards what comes up in my mind, that I sometimes connect to others in my world nowadays, that really don’t have anything to do with my thought process, and so within not wanting to see it, suppress the negative of what these thoughts are about, that goes back to memories of my past I left unchecked and uncorrected, and now when they surface I attach those in my current reality to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe, that because I’m walking process I’m ok and don’t need to go back and have a look to correct what’s still coming up from my past, as some memories that I don’t want to see, with the idea that I’m already changing, in my mind, instead of changing my physical reality to being the living change in fact, by having a look at these thoughts that triggers memories of my past, to so stand within and as them, embrace them to then introspect and correct.

So, When and as I see myself not wanting to see what comes up in my mind, I attach others to for no apparent reason, and so, or be shown/mirrored through another what I still exist as and not want to see it, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand, how I still need to continue to go back and correct more memories of my past, that when coming up causes a reaction within me, as I then accept and allow my mind to randomly bring up people in my present to attach to it, not realizing how I have defined myself as the memories of my past, thinking/perceiving/believing this is still who I am (in a way), but not.

Therefore, I commit myself to the continued correction of the memories of my past, no longer accepting and allowing myself to think/perceive/believe that I’m over it, and/or some of these memories don’t need correction because look at me now, but instead to replace this idea with action, acting on any and every movement/moment of memory that comes up within and as me, so to stop it at its inception, not go into it, or bring another into it and react even more, but to look at it, embrace it, correct it and move on. [Note to Self-] How do you know that you ‘don’t want to see it’, unless you’ve already looked at it?

Thanks for reading.

About carltontedford

In Process.
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