In case the worst side of me comes out, pardon me for the interruption and disruption to the interaction I’m having with you, that interrupts the flow of things, because what I’m seeing is things ending all bad, and so sprint towards a new beginning without correcting what I thought, and saw within the hay stack of the mind, that I let shine through what’s real and in front of me. I mean the belief that it’s ok to hint towards a hidden perception instead of asking the question; ‘what do you mean’, provokes a reaction, even towards self, ‘How do you mean’ by reacting, so passively toward what I think is happening, that could happen but didn’t and won’t, because what I’m figuring is but a figurine in the mind spinning around a figure 8 turned sideways, infinitely believing what’s coming up within me is real.
It’s rather addictive to excite the senses to get the adrenaline rushing and running, the idea of getting caught when doing something is most accepted and sought after, to the point of it becoming engrained within us, so when least expected we chase after the polar opposite of it by creating in our minds these worst case scenarios to compensate for the misconceptions we have about something.
The leap of faith, faithfully depicted by the mind creates a delusional pillow for one to land on when jumping to conclusions, confused about what’s not proven but believed, when lying there on our backs unable to breathe in moderate repetition of 4’s, but rapidly and sporadically while bracing for impact – that what I’m seeing in fact may be real, and accept this feeling as being trusted and true, although this is a point of self-abuse, by way of using oneself in cahoots with a mind that analyzes everything negatively, as a preferred method to keeping this belief system alive and in tack, waiting for the next thing to react to, and if it just so happens we say “I knew it”, and think we’ll be ready for the next time around, but when around comes back we repeat the same thing again.
Thick skin is for those of us who are master suppressers, suppressing any reaction in front of others, smothering the idea that something’s wrong with me, that seeps through in nervousness, being angst was my claim to fame, “what if they don’t like me”, “what if they can see my bad and ugly”, “will they judge me”, and when not, go somewhere alone and cry about it, because I was wrong for not accepting the acceptance of others accepting me for who I am, and not who I was back then, when sharing myself unconditionally with them, as another hidden dimension of worst case scenarios.
Mind tricks the being into thinking the body’s crazy, by injecting fear within the core of our beingness, through feeding us a cocktail for disaster = “To think the worse and hope for the best” and call this being prepared, that scares the living s*** out of us, as if something is happening and when it don’t, we sigh in relief, because we’ve just escaped the reliving of a lie we perpetuated towards our self, or so we think, where with every blinking of the eye we enslave ourselves further away from living our life here, in hopes for a better one in the hereafter – that’s a chapter that won’t come until we correct what’s here.
To take the fear away, we then sit back singing “99 bottles of beer on the wall” then fall asleep (and while sleep) go deep into consciousness that keep us bent on believing our thoughts and beliefs are all we got, and fear is healthy, not considering the fear we have is of ‘not fearing’, where we believe if we don’t fear we’re not human and if we don’t have emotions and feeling we should be locked away in an insane asylum which = As-You-Live-Undermining-Me as the Self we are, that’s far from a solution, to prove it, how many human-beings come away from this fixed?
It’s a trick to depict a picture and strip away the reality within it, placing ourselves as the point of downfall or abuse, as we allow the mind to use this as a point of distraction, I mean I’ve done this all the same which causes me shortness of breath, to heavy breathing to catch up for the breaths I lost, to feeling depleted, in the dislocation of self, which is associated with being content, spending our entire life tired with no fulfillment – that we fill in the blank spots with feelings, defining ourselves by the way You make me feel, because what you said I took and ran with it, straight into a worst case scenario in my mind and now I’m drowning in sorrow. But that’s just not it…
The inevitability of things happening is a probability we create, as we created the worst to happen in this world today, that all started with being told what and what not to do growing up, and if we did what we were told not to do, this or that would happen to us, and those of us who experienced this happening attached ‘what could happen’ if we don’t follow orders or laws that’s designed to keep us in fear, that’s now automated and used in our relationships with others, and think hard about it when others are not around, to even when all alone we think the worst of ourselves, so the question is how do I correct this within me?
To be continued…