Day 779: Nothing to Offer (Self-Perspective)

Where you’ll get kicked out of our church if you don’t pay your tithes, so offering are important, for us to keep importing into your mind how worthless you are, until you reach rock bottom in thought, conform and transform into the ultimate brainwashed parishioner you were meant to be, that’s real talk, in real time, as per what just came up when sitting here about to go into another direction, thinking I have nothing to offer to any potential partner in a potential relationship, if and/or when one surface, lol.

The excuse we give ourselves is the idea that we won’t excel in a new one, and so sink deeper into our shell, holding onto old memories of past relationships we’ve been in, and every now and then become emotional, thinking about that one good time we had, when I was really happy, hoping that we could somehow relive it again, and then sink into depression – that’s the demon in you pressing down on your own back, while knowing that you can never go back, and lack the steadfastness to move on and forward into new relationship, because of this stigma we have about the one’s we were in.

I’ve come to realize that it’s not all about what you have when going in, although that plays a role, but your starting point for entering a relationship from the one set, that set the guidelines in and throughout, where for most going into a new relationship after coming out of one, we are considered damaged good, lol and so walk into the next one, sensitively wanting to make this one the best, same as when entering the previous, and keep repeating this over and over again, to the point of thinking I must not have anything to offer, because all my previous relationships have failed, which is really not the case, but a point needing correction, by the way.

Being that it’s been a while since my last relationship, my personal excuse has come to be, ‘I need to make sure I have this, that and the other, before accepting a relationship with anyone, to have my house in order, in other words, which ok that’s cool, but thing is once I’ve achieved that, I became too comfortable being by myself, and when walking process it’s easy to excuse this as “I’m having a relationship with myself”, which is a given, where the longing for, is no longer there, but still think at times I have nothing to offer.

To just be (In the saying, ‘to be or not to be’) is the thing, what I’m doing right now, as an my everyday routine is something, and this something is a constant movement, and this movement in itself is an offer, unlike the stagnation I experienced in past relationship, with little to no direction, I mean being a director of sorts in my life is the best offering one could perpetuate in one’s own life, world and reality, where there are things that we’re doing now (in our lives) that we haven’t/didn’t do before, personal changes that’s been made for the betterment of ourselves, so the belief that I lack offer’ or have nothing to offer, is an offense to the stance I’m now taking, that makes waiting a past time, where in time if it is meant to be, the one will come.

So this, takes offering out of the realm of anything material, and place things into perspective and on the shoulders of who you are as a person and the drive you have, especially note to self, where I need to repeat this to myself, as many times as needed for me to see this, and BE the offering I think I need to have, and give, and that’s all I got to say about that for now, where the offering is now, just being who I am, as the ever so changing me, not who I was ‘stuck’, off in my mind, that’s for the better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe that I have nothing to offer, if entering into a relationship, being that all the things and stuff I used to have (material possessions), I no longer have, that obviously made all my past relationships, superficial, and didn’t see this, only until way after the break up, that none of my material possessions meant anything, and couldn’t keep me and whomever together – that’s a statement of grandeur saying, look at what I got instead of who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in past relationships by what I had and could do, and not who I really am as a person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to leave the best of me, hidden for whomever I was in a relationship with in the past, not considering the who I am, is the real offering one could give in a relationship, not just my innate human nature.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider, the offense I was perpetuating towards myself, in the unspoken statement, thinking who I am is not good enough and need a cover face of sorts (A character), in the presentation of me, that took too much energy to uphold and maintain, when looking back at it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look back at my past, and hold onto the aspect of how I presented myself with material possession and elaborate stories, as an offering going into a relationship, to nowadays, in thinking if I don’t have these things, I have nothing to offer.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand, how the change in me, shows a more substantial offering on my part, being that my life is now filled with more substance, meaning there is now a purpose for being me, who I am now, on a Journey of becoming Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that the word offering in itself should be an expression to be lived, instead of something to give, meaning to live who I am in every moment of breath, without any ideals of who I am presenting myself to be, to get the girl.

Therefore, when and as I see myself / hear myself thinking I have nothing to offer, I stop and breathe, and let go of any ideals / memories I have of my past when thinking this is how things work, and so worded things the wrong way, unconditionally, to unconditionally live this word (offering) as a point of vulnerability and self-trust with NO judgements or assumption alike, but as a total package of my level of awareness, carefulness and Here-ness, simply put; “to just be ME”. I see/realize/understand that my standing for something substantial, is offering in itself, and as long as I stand, the decisions I make will make sense, when faced with any potential partner, or potential relationship, that may or may not come. I’m fine with that.

Thanks for reading

About carltontedford

In Process.
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