Day 772: Reserve

Nothing federal about it, but fed up with the relationship I have to it, in a sense; to save and serve to yourself later’, but when later comes, nothing was held back, but held back things were in essence. Let me explain, as for me this word I’ve used/saw and viewed in different ways, reserving my own interpretations of it and judged it, that really didn’t work for me, but believed that ‘it’s working’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to taint my relationship to the word reserve, defining it according to a feeling, the way I felt when seeing/hearing/using the word, and so judge it as either something more than me or as a point of self-satisfaction, believing that it worked for me some times and other times not, according to my perception and expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reserve expectation to the word reserve when conceptualizing it into different aspects of my life, without realizing the disservice I was doing to myself by doing so.

Moving on –

As a master of suppression, we reserve reactions to points that should be faced in the moment, but don’t want to own up to it and correct it, in which case consequence is reserved for us, that serves its purpose when looking to change oneself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a master of suppression in reprehension of myself, when reserving (in a way) my reaction to points that I should face in the moment, but not own up to, until the consequences thereof surface from within it, and then spend time trying to rush through it, missing the point, instead of correcting it with urgency and reversing the point of suppression into progression, and so commit myself to pressing the issue immediately, when seeing things needing to be faced in the moment and do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait until the last minute to handle things/points in my life that should have been corrected a while ago, and so commit myself to real time correction, living the words ‘real time’ in Realtime, right Here and right Now, for real this time, lol.

Reservation = A seat saved just for you, if you call in enough time, so you can bypass the line, in front of everyone else whose been waiting there for hours, and could have ate already, before you got there, then walk passed them with the word in facial expression, (Specialness) written all over your forehead, because of having the money to do that, but wasn’t so long ago when you were in the back of the line to. Interesting how I’ve, been there, and perpetuated the same, at times throughout my life, but ended up back in a previous position as before, a NO body in the back of the line. And really nobody cares about a No body and probably think twice before looking your way, but hey this space is reserved for you.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought that I was special, that I made a reservation and got to walk to the front of the line, bypassing others who couldn’t go in because the space was reserved for me and my party, and so felt no need to correct this, but looking back at it, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within the realm of Superiority/Inferiority from standing in the back of the line to now/then being able to bypass the line, until my lime light ran out and found myself a No body, back at the back of the line.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in this sense of the word, define ‘Reserve’ as a specialness, something of status or stature to do/have, to be seen as better than others, instead of realizing the specialness in this life is Life itself, that WE all are, but need to get back to, by way of self-correction, not separation, and commit myself to equalizing my stance towards all, when making reservation when needed, at places that only accept them, for most part.

Grow up in my time, when you acted out in public, you just knew that you had something reserved for me when you got home, and so feared the whole way there, as this knowing was insinuated by that look my parents gave me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “Reserve” in the sense of fearing what I had waiting for me when I got home, as a child, after acting out in public, then seeing the look on my parents face that showed my for certain future, lol, instead of accepting the inevitability and surety of it being my fault, and punishment to come.

Another aspect is the point of holding my tongue, not saying what needs to be said, in moments things need to be said, as in; “if you see something say something”, but didn’t out of fear or self-interest, and excusing this as my right to reserve my tongue, especially when some things were blatantly ‘Not Right’, mums the word, along with asking question for the betterment of oneself, but choose not to, in fear of judgement, but F*** that nowadays, I need to know who I am, and so chose to correct my position towards this word, in all its facets.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold my tongue to not say something when seeing things that’s blatantly Not right and need to be said, and instead chose self-interest or fear over standing as a point of common sense in situations. I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing myself to stand ideally by, in idol of my own self-interest, when seeing thing Blatantly not right, no matter who it is, I will say what needs to be said, while watching what I say.

Then you have the unspoken spiteful intent of the word, internally spoken within, the words; “Ima remember that” or “Ima get you/them back”, for what someone has done to you, and so reserve our action toward them, to be taken when they least expect it, except when you really can’t do anything about it, that still causes consequences for all parties involved, as a resolve to getting what you deserve.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word “Reserve” in back chat within the unspoken statements; “Ima remember that” or “Ima get you/them back” for what they done to me, manipulatively and so go into a premeditation sequence and sentence ourselves to the consequence that’s deserve, because of failing to take responsibility for putting myself in the situation with them in the first place, because how would it get to that point if I didn’t egg on the process, leading up to the point of extreme conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been the one to egg on a situation when interacting with others in my world, but when things turned away from my favor, became angry and frustrated in the moment, because I got bested, and so chose revenge as a reservation for/towards them, that always backed fired, because of the starting point of starting it in the first place, on my part, therefore I commit myself to, not bite off more than I can chew, in the sense of standing up for what’s best for all, and all else can just “kick rocks”, meaning Not to go down that road, it you know what’s best.

Reservoirs and Reserves for wild life and water, shows just how wild us human beings have become, greedy and despicable, empirical to take the best parts of the land for ourselves, and cordon off pieces of life in Sanctuaries from its natural place, stating ‘you’re in my space’, (that I took from you to make money), giving an exterminator a license to Kill life, in spite of coming from the same source of life we kill, but we’re ok with that.

I forgive myself that I have (as, and one of the collective) accepted and allowed myself to be ok with building Reservoirs and Reserves as a treat for wild life and water, accepting my separation away from them after ruining the land they once ran free on, to satisfy the comfortability of my own self-interest, just to be next to another greedy like-minded individual, like me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize all the while, thinking I was cordoning wild life off, (as a collective) in actuality I was boxing myself into a corner, to within that build blocks with boxes on them, to live in a box physically, and a bubble mentally, being that our own “Wild” Human Nature needs to be contained, that does no one justice, because it’s just us, Humans who needs correction and so, commit myself to continue to correct my Human nature, until Wild life and Nature can see that I can be trusted with the Life they already are.

No one is coming to save you, so why reserve taking responsibility, when it’s in our ability to respond urgently to matters of Self, in our own worlds and this world as a whole, where blame is the name of the game, that’s not a game at all, but ‘you did this to me and made me feel’, taking away from our ability to fill in the blanks, we missed from knowing all, as me as one with all as life, simply put.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the opportunity to take responsibility for myself, time and time again throughout my life, thinking that some entity was going to come and save me/us, and so reserved my ability to respond for being ‘blessed’ and ‘saved’ by a minister, but saved from what, when W-Hat is a Hat We attach to The self we have become, that shows we are literally trying to save ourselves from ourselves, but vicariously through Jesus/God/Buddha or KRISHNA.

I commit myself to no longer holding my ability to respond hostage, in hopes/wonderment/prayer for other to clean up what I’ve messed up, but instead to get up and stand up for LIFE, which includes my Life, ‘No holds barred’.

But that’s not just it, the point I’m walking at the moment, in relations to the word Reserve, is one I’m sure many have faced and/or is, will face at some point in one’s life; Having a Reserve i.e. saving, money, sending from one pocket to the other to be lock away for a raining day, used for future purposes when needed, that starts with telling myself, everytime I feel the need to buy something extra, “Remember Reserve”, that I should have done a long time ago, but can’t cry over spilled milk, so to speak, just put a top on it or close the crease’, meaning stop what I’m doing, and pay attention to WHAT I’m doing, where within the longevity of it all, I won’t end up in the same position I’m in today. Therefore;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, but not realize the importance of having a reserve, not being a show case, but a space of stability, that expands our capability to maintain our well-being, in the lifestyle we’re capable of living, as a point of comfortability, to really not have to worry about s***. Therefore, I commit myself to from hence forth looking at, in consideration and act toward the longevity of things, to not recreate any longsuffering, as useless as it is, that’s for resentment, instead a lesson said to be, and no longer accept and allow myself bar myself from a comfortable future in this world, that having a Proper Reserve would bring.

Thanks for reading.


About carltontedford

In Process.
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