In a previous post (Before Hand), in one of the parables, I wrote and I quote; “Before I go searching seeking for companionship, I commit myself to handing over to me what I think I’m missing”, where the missing part was me missing the obvious of self-care, where I dared to turn my back on me and so believed I needed this space filled with the constant attention you get from a partner in a relationship, but also at the time, I was still holding onto all this extra baggage from my previous relationship, that yes it took me years to get over, for most part and hadn’t entered into any profound relationship since that time in 2009, which seems like forever, but what is forever when every day is another point of correction that I have systematized within and as me, as a protocol, to do me first, then when come around, comes around, I’m comfortable with who I am as self-intimacy, the intimacy of investigating me/my part in the matter.
Now there are others you come across in your life, that you may think, possibly see as a good fit, but everyone is not for you, that we only find out after spending a short time with them, and them the same with you, with no one to blame, I mean two left shoes don’t match, no matter how you try squeezing them on the opposite foot, all you get is one person comfortable and the other going through it, in which case best to break it off and do more self-introspection to correct the starting point for entering into that relationship in the first place, that I’ve found.
Even more so, the realizations always comes in hindsight, where time with me alone has show how I have overlooked the fine print, pointing out how I needed to have an effective relationship with myself first, in order to have an effective relationship with someone else, or else the constant asking of “What’s wrong honey” will continue playing out with no direction, because questions are not asked, and when asked are not answered effectively, because one or the other haven’t asked or answered prominent question to themselves first, so when the time comes, it’s a cake walk, (An easy point to get pass).
What I realize is that most companionships comes with pain in it = Com-pan-ion, when comparing the importance of one’s self-interest, that when spited with love is a cocktail for disaster, and then after having relations, all is fine again, that I have let define past relationships I was in, and held onto the memories of it into my next relationships, that didn’t go nowhere either, that’s neither here or there at this point, but point being, when the question comes up, am I ready for a relationship with someone, all these questionable past occurrences should/better be sorted out.
This word stood out to me this morning when reading my ‘Before Hand’ commitments (as I do every day), but what came after that, was memories of others of interest in my world that I may have interacted with, through text/phone/email or conversed with, face to face, but looking at it now, brings up the questions; “What and why this interest”, where if my starting point of interest is not aligned to my principled interest, then the idea of interest towards anyone is flaw, and so needs more investigating, but if the two are aligned, I may expand on this interest, but at a turtles pace for starter, that wasn’t the case in my past, so within that I am seeing some form of change within me, that I am now questioning and correcting my relationship with the word companionship, that one can do when on this ship alone, to become a companion with self-first, before allowing someone to Co-Capitan the ship with you, if that makes sense, therefore;
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to redefine my relationship with the word companionship, in the past that took me going through problems in relationships to see, when being alone and learning to pilot my own ship (self) first – that of becoming and being with the company of self, figuring out my strengths and weaknesses, faults in occurrences of my past, to correct and change my stance about it, here and now for a sustainable future with someone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search/seek for companionship, instead of handing over to me what I think I’m missing, that of missing the obvious in self-care, being that, I would care about others more than myself, in a way of disregarding me as who I needed to be in a relationship for and with myself first.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to have subconsciously define companionship as being a pain on me, as the feeling of being in love and hurt when my expectation wasn’t fulfilled, which was just a feeling and not real, that limited me from really campaigning (interacting) with someone effectively.
But now that I have created a campaign out of self-correction from the lessons I’ve learned, ‘Companionship’, has become a personal campaign with self to expand/grow/develop myself to reach my utmost potential first, and if it is to be so in the midst, welcome the connection of a potential partnership with someone of interest, as it so may be, but in the meantime continue transforming me into who I am as life, as only time can and will tell.
Thanks for reading.