Day 736: Correction to Self-Deceit

Where to the depths of our souls our intentions are true, but did realize the magnitude of how it would affect you, in the moment of blindness and desperation, we say and do things to subside our fears and anxiety and highly believe what we’re experiencing is real, it feels like there’s no way out and no one to turn to, and no one cares, that I’m in this all alone, in a hot box in the corner I painted myself into, that I’ll do just about anything to get myself out of, and with the promise to do better emerges a promiscuous thought, that ought to be deleted from our memory banks, but our moral is low to the point of depression, I mean what sort of lesson am I supposed to learn from this, the question when standing on the precipice of defeat, that I’ll never get myself out of the position I’m in, when playing a pawn in the game of chance, that didn’t work out how I wanted it to.

Am I deceiving myself or correcting my past that I left and passed on the road of change, that’s here now presently, patiently waiting for a chance to assist me in everything I do, and have done within it that’s resurfacing again, in the process of redefining me that’s a work in progress, filled with possibilities and obviously I know I need to stop self-deceit, that came on strong since last December till now, to be corrected in time December comes back around again.

I have no time to waste, without rushing to save face, to justify the limited space I squeezed myself into, thinking that all is well, then say I’m doing well, until I found myself at the bottom of a well that ran dry, looking for a helping hand, to once again get a handle on things, that’s a hand away from me helping myself, but how could this be done, if I was deceiving myself into believing I’m handling things well, then listening to me advising me wrong, thinking I’ll have one hell of a story to tell.

Simply put, the belief that what I’m telling me, that nothing will come from the compromising I’m doing to myself (as consequence), in giving up my honesty in exchange for a same projected outcome of what has been that is no more, and not want to see it, blinded by the idea that I can get back to where I was before, instead of letting it all go and looking/moving forward to a more sustainable life worth living, is the only way I believed things would work out, that is self-deceptive in fact.

To be the lie that you see and have created, in spite of Self showing you in many ways a perverse playout of things to come, we prefer not to see and won’t believe it until it’s upon us, with nothing to show for what we’ve done, because we’ve invested back into a fading idea, that’s fading because times have changed, where what you used to get Dollars for, you now get change, that in one moment have changed the game, but I can let this stop me now.

Sitting alone in a gray area in my life with the scale of thought to balance out my ideas, what moves to make, knowing and willing to make them, but why am I resisting taking the next step, is it myself deceiving me or a thought deceiving me to stay within the same frame of mind of the past, because the fear of the unknown is filled with worst case scenarios that keeps a stereotype sitting on his ass.

Conformity is normally the case, but not now, it’s the more of me that’s seeking for a change somehow, a less stressful life, that a solid foundation would bring, a spring to the answer of being caught in a sling, I mean when given a moments notice to see the correction so clearly, do my eye deceive me or is this the clarity I asked for, then start over again towards life once more, but this time I’ll take my time and breathe more, to not be left wanting holding my breath, but taking baby steps in my process of change. As the self-correction continue.

Thanks for reading.

About carltontedford

In Process.
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