Day 690: The Specificity in Being Specific (Self-Forgiveness)

So, continuing from Day 688 and 689: The Specificity in Being Specific Pts. 1 & 2, here I do some self-forgiveness on the points that opened up, that I’ve faced and /or is currently facing. And it goes a little something like this;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only specify and remember what someone has said, what I’ve read and/or saw in Advertisement/Movies etc., things of self-interest that resonated with me, in pursuit of my wants/needs and desires, that fired up an energetic experience within an as me, telling others I know what I’m talking about, but only within these certain things, that wasn’t based in substantiality, but light gravity (so to speak,) that I used to float up into my mind, throughout my day, dreaming of being happy that I knew something, that had nothing to do with changing me, which was the extent of my specificity in being specific at the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this energetic experience to manipulate myself into believing that I’m definitely changing, because I didn’t know the specificity of these things a few months ago, instead of realizing that change only comes when I’m living and applying the knowledge and information I receive and chose to hold onto specific parts of it, that suited my self-interest and let the rest go, because it didn’t fit my forte (per se), which is actually the religious way of looking at things, to only take bits and specific piece of it, as the Protestants did to break away from the Catholics in Thesis, that in a way kept me within the design of a believe system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have rehearsed and or recited ready made scripts to say to other, that would validate my being specific in what I thought I knew, then would have ready made answers for potential questions, when being questioned about the specificity in what I would say, that for most part was all made up, most of the time, because of my Bit taking and Bit Sharing, which was not the complete story, and so try manipulating the conversation to go my way, quickly and in a rush, that ended up causing somewhat a fuss between the person I was spewing my bullshit to and I., I mean in the end it was all a lie I made myself believe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in seeking after the attention of wanting to be accepted by others in my past, say just about anything to see and eyebrow raise, that wasn’t always necessarily what was being discussed, and at times end up being questioned, about what and who I was talking about, to the point of others silently questioning me even being there, that I had to learn a lesson the hard way, that I now walk as a corrected point today, but faced with the consequences of sabotaging my past relationships, I could have keep with me today, all because I wasn’t speaking specifically to what was being discussed, but tried to change the topic to me instead of us, that often times than a few, backfired on me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to (back then), see, realize and follow through with the well know saying ‘mums the word’, which would have kept me from sounding absurd and loosing friends, meaning if I really don’t have anything to specifically say about the topic being discussed, Don’t just make the shit up, but to wait to talk about something that I really know about, live and apply in my everyday life, that I now know ‘oh so well’, to do and not to do, hence my silence at times when in group discussions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, that I need to be obsessed with being specific in a way, to not let anything pass or get by me, but to make sure that what I heard was what I heard, and what I read was what I read, and what I saw was in fact what I saw, with nothing more or less, but the actual factual, in the specificity of what it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my past, have spoken in metaphor as a response to what was being discussed and/or asked, where in one incident I was with two individuals and one was asking a question about something they was unsure about, and as I begin to answer, I started speaking in metaphors they couldn’t understand and said, they didn’t understand what I meant and why do I talk in metaphors, then preceded to ask the other person, who specifically answered their question, plain and simplistically, which was an eye opener for me, in realizing what I was actually doing, that I then woke up about, but hadn’t till now applied self-forgiveness for, and so, within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of being specific in answering a question from someone, speak in metaphors.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to specifically and on purpose unspecify things (not saying exactly what I mean and hinting towards) when talking to others, where I would beat around the bush, in hopes they pick up on what I was getting at, which nine times out of ten was based in self-interest, where manipulation would be the play at hand, because I was unsure as to what type of response I would get from them, (like for example, making an excuse to be with someone, when you have ulterior motives and they know it, but play along with the game you’re presenting) when all one have to do, is to specifically say our intentions in the first place, and let the chips fall where they may, so to speak, in essence; “Say it how it is son”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been faced with, as a child, being told, that I wasn’t old enough to know things and took it personally, but kept this ideology stored within and as me, to be use towards someone in my world once I grew up, and so did this in a few instances to someone that was close to me, that I faced the consequences for, by them withholding vital information from me that I could have used to correct a brewing situation at the time in a relationship I was in, and when asked why, they said “You did the same to me” and there was nothing I could say, but swallow my pride, that in a way jeopardized our relationship with this person, that haven’t been the same since, which goes to show how one needs to stand corrected within the resolve of correcting ones past patterns and personalities we’ve created in our youth, that will come back and bite us in the ass, at the most unforeseen time, again not being specific.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have and had selective hearing, in a way of not remembering what has been said specifically, and have taken it (in my past) and added my two cent to it, then choose to spread it as a conversation piece about someone , that I misconstrued and said the wrong way, that was then taken by the person telling me, the wrong way and so self-handedly sabotaged my relationship with them. I mean it’s the specifics that when learned and understood can creates change in one’s life, and so I commit myself to making sure I stick to the specifics of things, to no longer accept and allow myself to take it upon myself to alter/change/addon to the specifics of what has been said, I’ve heard and/or saw, but instead if clarity is needed, to go back and ask/look at, to hear and/or see the specifics of it again.

Thanks for reading.

About carltontedford

In Process.
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