Day 683: Internal Conversations

A feat to be reckoned with is how most often we tend to go into our minds and have a conversation with someone whose not there, which is usually triggered by a previous conversation we had with this person, in our world who’s given us good grief in a way or a facsimile thereof, in person and/or over the phone or internet, which spawned a late reaction within us, because we took to long to say what we wanted to say, but so now, since the words are coming up, we revisit the conversation in our minds, all alone, and actually see the person there too, and say what we wanted to say, but in an aggressive way, simply because we didn’t say what we wanted to in that moment, which was the perfect opportunity to get it all out and in the open, but mad at ourselves that we didn’t, and so projecting this madness onto the other person, then later on when/if the opportunity arise again we already have this self-preprogrammed dialog lingering in the back of our minds in the form of reaction, that’s waiting to come out at a moments notice when seeing and or speaking to this person again, and depending on how we either revere, see or look at this person, (meaning who they are to us, in our world and what status do they hold over us, or to us), will we determine how much emphasis we put on what we now have to say to them.

And interesting how it doesn’t have to be a point within a conflictual situation, but a simple reminder of what you once did for them before, to be remembered, that in return their adamancy could become a bit overwhelming, and shocking to say the least, hence the loss of words in the moment, that’s now triggering the internal conversations I’m having in my mind, that for so long has been this way, to the point of sometime talking ourselves OUT in our minds, lol and when we do see this person, there’s nothing to say (in relation to the previous conversation we had with them) because we both said all there was to say to each other in our minds when alone, and all else forgotten, “So Hi you doing”?

Like WOW did that just really happen, in hindsight, that’ll happen again and again if not correct. The lack of self-directedness and half assed, because I don’t want to be Frank and Honest with myself first, and then the other person, but would rather leave it to chance that they know how I feel, but they don’t and so walking around with a chip on our shoulder, because we’ve suppressed the voice within us, to not say anything about it, to them, in person, and would hold a grudge against this person for something we didn’t do, SPEAK UP, SON and stop having internal conversations about it.

Recently I’ve face such a situation with a person in my world that’s considerably close to me, that something arose between us that wasn’t necessarily conflictual, but could be if I let it persist, the point being is how after the fact of our initial conversation, this person came back with sort of a rebuttal (for lack of better words) on the agreement reached, that threw me for a small loop that I wasn’t expecting, and didn’t react to it, but after the fact the thought came up within me, but instead of reverting back into an old pattern I’ve used plenty of time of going into an Internal Conversation about it, I looked at it and told myself; “You’re not having this conversation right now”, and it stopped in one moment, which surprised me and opened up a realization within me, in see how all I ever had to do with things was to tell myself that I’m Not have this conversation right now, with myself, simply because the person is not Here and so defeats the purpose, and obviously the thought came up within me a few more time after that, but instead of reacting to the thoughts, I now use them as a gift/reminder that the conversation needs to happen but Not here, Not now, alone, by myself, and so applied Self-Forgiveness in the moment and will in every moment it comes up, to Not go into Internal Conversation about it, but to Have the conversation at the next opportune time with this person in person, and will do so, and so saw this as a cool realization for myself, that’s assisting me while walking through this point.

Thanks for reading

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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