Day 682: Go Figure

“Just my luck”, but this is just not that, when having to go figure things out for yourself, you get to a point of congratulating yourself with praise, then want to tell others how to walk it your way, which is an act of creating a slave, and mini me in fact, that may someday back lash, because you’ve limited their expression in a way, because they didn’t have the chance to figure it out their own way, so I had to tell myself, Stop it, when realizing my past experience of figuring things out on my own, and although it was hard, the thrill was coming to the point of realization that “Hey, I actually did it”, so why not gift that to another in your world and reality.

Throughout my life, I’ve scratched and clawed to learn things, looked for assistance and support, or someone to tell me where I’m falling short, in the sense of having a feeling, to know that things just didn’t add up, but yet and still, no one in my world had any answers for me, and at times I was too scared to ask anyone, why did we went through things, that others seem to not go through and seem to be better off for it, but feared the back lash I would receive from them, my parents and the church, stating to don’t ask question, just do what you’re told and everything would be ok, because this is the way life is, that didn’t sit well with me, therefore, Go Figure.

Anyway, once I got to a point of being out on my own, I told myself that I would never do that to other people that wanted to know things, (Although at times I did out of the self-interest of wanting to keep them around and coming back for more), and for the most part I learned to explain the things I knew to a “T”, the way it wasn’t done unto me, but still kept the sense of wanting to be the all knowing one, that of course didn’t work out to well, because at the end of the day, I really didn’t know anything outside of what I grew up to believe.

What I really enjoyed figuring out at the time was music, how to create, make my own music, and spent hour, upon hours, learning machines, then software, (once I got into making music on a computer), but oddly enough wanted to keep this knowledge to myself and only share bits and pieces to those around me, but this also came with a stench of fear as well, that I wanted to be the only one in my group doing what I could do with music, and believed if I shared all that I knew, there would be no reason for me to be around, as if I would then be ostracized or something, lol, which in fact was a mind possession before I knew what it was.

This continued for a period of time, until I realized that I wasn’t going nowhere and the music I created was well like by all, so ended up showing a few of the guys how to operate the music equipment, but was still a bit partial in my sharing all that I knew to most who asked, all and all, and in the end, I really had no problem sharing what I knew, but also became a bit overzealous in wanting them to do it my way and not figure it out on their own, which created some conflict, but resolvable, being that I would fold to them doing things their own way.

Another interesting dimension within it all is when things are initially complicated, where when we’re not grasping it for first face bases, we tend to want, long for assistance, instead of figuring it out for ourselves, which some assistance is cool, but to leave room for one’s own self learning process.

Like when I first start my process and got to a point of seeing that there was work involved, oh how I resisted the point of self-investigation, but knew I had to do it, and that’s where the ‘whining me’ came into play, simply because I just wasn’t seeing things like everyone else, lol, I remember one time while walking the Agreement Course, the part of taking 50 words and redefining them, I thought I had it down and completed it, then turned it in, like “yeah, I got this shit”, then was simply told by my Mother Buddy and Buddy that I had to do it all over again, which brought up the blame and but, but, but.., I mean I almost wanted to cry, thinking “Man how much work I have to do, again, BY Myself, but was surprisingly assisted by my Awesome Buddy who had the patience with me to walk me through each word over again, until I got every last one of them, which blew my mind with seeing how to really assist someone without giving them the answer, like WOW, thanks Buddy.

That then stuck with me, even now, where the other day I was tested with the point of letting others figure things out on their own, with let’s say a little nudge here and there, where my cousin recently, upgraded his music studio and during the process would call and ask me different question about what’s needed for what he wanted to do, so I told him, then after he set everything up, had questions on how to simplify his workflow, because it was frustrating how complicated it was, and so I begin to give him the knowledge I knew about things to do that would simplify his work flow, which he wasn’t initially seeing and kept complaining, but I didn’t say anything and everytime he would ask the same or another question I would give him the same answer and/or different answer that suited the question.

So after a few day I got a call from him tell me to come over, he then showed me what he had did, but started saying, “I figured it out” and “All I had to do was, this, that and the other”, praising himself for everything I just told him, but now he came up with all of this on his own, so at that moment I had to smile, because I saw myself, the old me that would have reacted, stating, ”I just told you that”, but didn’t react, and the old me that has been in the same position of claiming the all me, I did it, I did it, syndrome, but also realize, this is how assisting others work, that’s not walking process as I am, but in their own location within their own process.

So, but a cool realization for myself, to see a past, present and future playout of an old behavior I once perpetuated, into stabilization so, Go Figure.

Thanks for reading.


About carltontedford

In Process.
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2 Responses to Day 682: Go Figure

  1. mijn reis naar leven says:

    Awesome blog! Can we listen to your music somewhere?


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