Day 664: Why did I!

After the realization that We Know, comes the question; “Why did I”, as in;

Why did I not take the blue pill, was my initial reaction into being overzealous when realizing the Hell bent fashion in which I lived, unable to see the future of who I am at this moment, verses who I was back then, not that I’ve made anything but mistakes the whole way through, up until this point while walking my process, but learning how to gift it to myself the understanding of what mistakes bring, which doesn’t make me exempt from making them either, as we all do, while knowing I have the rest of my life to go and will probably make more, but being steadfast will get me through, as there is really nothing substantial to turn back too, that changes the why did I, to why didn’t I do this a long time ago, but important to let it go to remain Here in the moment, while breathing.

The checking of oneself comes in with the knowing that I am responsible for my action, stating; “Man why did I do this, that and the other”, being that we now know better, but fell for the whip appealed presentation, that any scenario brings, unable to momentarily stop this temptation from festering in our minds, simply because of our addiction to drama, then call it karma or paying dues, when all we had to do was to remain resilient in the face of temptation.

Very sneaky our mind is, that claims “Why Not”, as the rebuttal before the “Why did I” aftermath, that plays out during the pondering stage of the game, with the excusable manipulation, that I am testing it out for myself, while hearing the slogan being quietly chanted in the back of my head; “Just do it”, then afterwards telling you; “Awe you blew it”, into feeling like shit, that we knew it, which spawns the “Why did I” question.

Change comes in when the “How” is asked, discovered and realized, to correct my stance from being propped up by my mind, into standing on my own two feet, which is a feat in itself, when taking the necessary steps toward considering oneself, before following these thoughts around in our minds, to participate in our own eventual fate, before it’s too late, because too many “Why did I’s” means that I’m seeing it, but still lying to myself, that I can just lie down for a moment and continue to push the snooze button on my life, into missing the obvious all together, as it would seem to be forever walking around with a chip on my shoulder, because I didn’t Correct myself when I had the chances to. And I can’t go for that.

If you believe in blessing then the ‘Why did I’ could be that for you, as deemed for myself, that the care free attitude I had is becoming a thing of the past and our awareness is coming into fruition, then the acceptance of what I’ve done that would lead me back to the How to, correction question, that some have walked as a lesson well learned.

But I am still learning and will forever be, to get back to the me that I can’t see, but know Self to be, as the everything, so but without the initial, ‘Why did I’ question a long time ago that brought me to this process, I would still be investing time into my waste of a life, creating ripples and waves, by reacting with Rants and Raves to the creations I’ve made and forgot that I did so. Therefore;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use “Why did I” as a reflection of my wrong doings, into being aggressive and hostile towards myself, beating myself up about the repetition of sameness, in repeating the exact same mistakes over and over again, into blinding myself from seeing the correction that I am, being that I have existed as the problem for so long, covering up the memory of being chastised into believing that I’m always doing something wrong, that I don’t want to see, but now faced with being shown, through the experience of dozing off, instead of simply seeing the gift within this question, and so lived a life of ups and downs, standing up for being aware of my mistakes, but beating myself down immediately afterwards, to the point of waiting for some form of punishment to come, that I’ve become used to getting in my childhood for what I construed as miniscule, but now able to correct within myself.

Therefore, I commit myself to understanding my own misguidedness in to being stuck at the point of obsession with always believing that I’m wrong/doing something wrong – to move passed it into correcting the gift that; “Why did I”, brings.

Thanks for reading.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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