Day 662: My Relationship with A Mirror (Self-Forgiveness)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been afraid to look myself in the eye in the mirror in my past, because of not liking the me that I saw at the time, being that I didn’t like the person I was, growing up and blamed it all on the church I grew up in, thinking that I didn’t have any choice and that it wasn’t my fault, therefore the person I saw in the mirror, I despised.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have despised the image of myself that I saw in the mirror growing up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the church I grew up in for the image of me that I saw in the mirror, believing that because of them is why I didn’t like looking at myself in the eye, when looking in the mirror.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an Idea of the image I wanted to be/look like, when not liking the image I saw in the mirror, growing up.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to investigate, back then, my likes and dislikes about myself, as the image I saw in the mirror.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when looking in the mirror in the mornings, place emphasis on my face, with the belief that if my face is ok, then I can feel good about myself, that stems from the picture perfect presentation, accepted in this reality, in society, where you are more acceptable and defined by the face you present, without flaw or blemish, therefore, I make my face up to save face, in essence, in front of the masses of society in public, to fit in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have engrained within me, the idea that I need to look a certain way to fit in with what society accepts in image and so, find myself at time looking twice in the mirror at myself to see if I fit the bill, so to speak.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to investigate why I perpetuated this behavior to the extent I did, instead of just seeing the common sense in having a clean face, until of late, that has been my calling card for the longest in my past, before I would step out of my house and into the world on a daily base.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been corrupted, by mediocracy in society that created the idea within the point of separation that image is everything, that we in some form must abide by, in order to survive with the acceptance of those in our immediate worlds, that we deal with on a daily bases, from our neighbors, to our bosses, to the clerk at the grocery store, that shouldn’t be this way, and so by changing my stance is one step in the right direction, as I can only direct me through the consequences for being one point in society that help create such extensive separation, that we now see as ourselves in the mirror.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have viewed looking in the mirror as a point of trying to achieve perfection, instead of being a point of correction as to what I saw that I didn’t like about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have looked in the mirror not through the eyes of myself, for myself, but through the eyes of and in service of how others would see me/view me and what they would think, without seeing this as a point of judgement in fact that I was placing on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed judgement on myself in the past when look at myself in the mirror and the projected this judgement onto others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still today whenever I walk passed a mirror, look at myself in it, with the excuse of making sure my posture and characterized walk is together as well as everything else is in place, which shows a since of insecurity, protecting my minds view of how I think I should look at all times, when around others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made characterized faces in the mirror, by squinting my eyes and adjusting my cheek bone and tried to hold this expression, that I’ve defined as being cool throughout my day, which is actually pretty hard to do, and would soon find myself frowning once I passed another mirror and glanced into it, as if my body was telling me; “This is bullshit, Carlton, straighten your face”, lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have let a feeling/mood define how much time I would spend in the mirror, fixing myself up and for who.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have in my past, when out with someone, an old partner at a party/dinner or social gathering, and in the midst of, have went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror to fix myself up, with no real consideration for the person I was with, but for the on-looker, to achieve an extended glance from them, that I would derive a sense of approval from, while telling myself that I was doing it as a representation of the person I was with, which was the case sometimes, but for most not.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and define the usage of a mirror as in an innate reflection of myself that should be seen as a gift, that shows me who and what I have become, how I have disregarded my body, and so as a sign to investigate who this me is that I’m looking at and how have I gotten myself to the point of not accepting that in which I see as the me in the mirror and how can I correct myself, internally as to what comes up within me when looking at myself in the mirror, and so I thus Redefine My Relationship to a Mirror, to the aforementioned, so that I am able to embrace the reflection of me in it totality, as who I really am as life, and live these corrections as the acceptance of me.

Thanks for reading.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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