Day 614: “N”

The letter “N” to me is a tricky one, because, there’s “Not” too many words that I use that is supportive to my vocabulary, most of them I have use are “Negative” in “Nature” such as “Nope”, “Notta”, “No”, I got “Nothing” for you, in a spiteful sense of the words used, as revenge for disregarding my Self-Interest in a moment of my weakness, I mean how could you “Not” know that I am sensitive, emotionally driven, so maybe that would teach you a lesson, then turn right back around and ask for help, but “Now” it’s their turn to do the same unto you, as you have done unto them, living the cycle of Tit for Tat, because we thrive off of the Power receive, when chasing after an energy rush, derived from our Spiteful behavior.

Nature as I have seen it, only referred to the trees, plants, grass, flowers, insects and bugs, there was “Never” a recollection of my Human “Nature”, being the way I was, what I liked and disliked and reacted to, and if you would have told me “Nothingness” back then, I would have defined it as having “Nothing”, meaning, being broke, which would bring up a form of depression within and as me, feeling down and out that the world was against me, that somebody had did me wrong, while (hypothetically speaking) sitting in a bucket of lemons with a sour look on my face.

There were very few things of substance that I’d take “Notice” to, such as, for some reason, I “Never” Liked stepping on Bugs, I would always go around them, I mean it could have also been a point of fear as well, but all and all to “Notice” for me was a view taking of Self-Interest, only what I wanted to see, and most everything else, I would turn a blind eye towards, with emphasis on “Noticing” and having an eye to spot out any conflict directed towards me.

If you were to tell me to live in the Here and “Now”, I would tell you., don’t you see me right Here, right “Now”, without realizing that it was being said, that I was always in my mind, but in the sense of things I have defined the word “Now” as a selfish indication of immediate proportion, meaning I wanted things immediately.


During my Adolescence, hearing the word “No” was the worst thing in the world to me, until I discovered that I could have the power to by saying it myself, and so learned to say it, but telling me “No” “Never” set well with me, it only made me vexed and wanted that whatever it was, that much more.


In the sense of believing there was “Nothing” I could do about the way my life turned out to be, made the word “Nothing” a Positive, being that I believed that it was beyond my control to change, therefore I waited for change to drop in my lap, so to speak, living the idea that if I did “Nothing”, “No” wrong, then I was being Positive and change would come, boy was I wrong, because I didn’t realize that by being Positive creates the “

Sounding of the Words


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have only defined Nature in the sense of trees, plants, grass, flowers, insects and bugs, in separation from myself, without realize my inherent Human Nature, being the way I was, as what I liked and disliked that I reacted to, that Never changed, until I started walking my process, therefore I hereby redefine Nature to that in which I see all around me as me, that I must and will take responsibility for, while in the process of changing my Human Nature, to doing that which is best for all life. Going from Not-Sure to making sure I see all as me in a major way.





I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the word No in a spiteful sense of revenge, to gain, obtain power over another during a moment of their weakness, without any explanation as to why, I would use this word, instead of directing it towards myself, in the sense of telling me No I will Not place myself in such positions again, and so, I commit myself to only utilizing No in the sense of Self, within the statement; “From Here NO Further”, and “No I stop” when telling oneself to Not follow the present thought around in my Mind, and also within the point of correction, for someone to gain clarity on the matter, with an explanation to follow, as in; “No, it’s like this” or this way, within a Self-Honest starting point.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want things immediately, No waiting, then once I got them, I would feel as if I’ve won or something, and so have defined this Now; as a selfish indication of immediate proportion, without any realization as to the Here and Now, as the present state I should at all time be in, without the Mind stepping in, therefore I hereby redefine Now to the present state of Here-Ness in every moment of breath.

Won [If I got it Now means I Won]


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used the word Never as a way to escape responsibility for haven done something that I am ashamed to tell others about, as if the secret of say Never would exempt me from haven done the thing in the first place, without realizing that I will inevitably have to face myself for all the things that I’ve done that I have tried to cover up by saying Never, I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing myself to use the word Never as a blatant coverup of things, but only in the context of something that I self-honestly know that I will not do to compromise my process, in which case because of the polarity that exist within this word, I will replace it with Not-Ever, Again/No Longer.


Nothingness [refer to this Link]


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used the word Notice in the sense of only seeing that in which stimulated my self-interest, while saying No-I-See, when looking through the mind’s eye, blinding myself from seeing with aware everything in front of and around me as me, myself then taking responsibility for it, therefore I hereby redefine Notice to that in which I Now see as all as me in awareness when looking at myself from an outsider’s viewpoint.




Thanks for reading.


About carltontedford

In Process.
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