For context from the previous post Day 589: How did I Get to this Point
Anyway this information still being foreign to me,, I became overzealous and wanted to tell everyone I knew about it, but little did I know, this would be the end of quite a few more relationships, including with a few family members, I mean all of a sudden my phone just stop ringing, and as I now had all of this information, I still had a sense in me of wanting to do my own old thing, but found that the more I would do my own old thing, the more things would fall apart, to the point of becoming completely irresponsible with no one and nowhere to turn, as at the time I didn’t realize that the two don’t mix, so I eventually packed up what I had left and moved to the next state over with a friend of mine.
I thought; ’Ok, leave the past behind me and move forward with my life’, but little did I know what would be around the corner waiting for me, and for the next five (5) years until now, what I experienced, some would say is unbelievable, starting from the first situation I walked myself into.
I can tell you this, that you never want to place yourself in a position where you have no one to go to and nowhere to turn and find yourself at the mercy of a “so-called” friend.
So, By the time I got here (the next state over) and had gone through a lot of this information, I realized that there was no Karma, that it didn’t really exit, so what people had done to me in the past, I learned that karma wouldn’t be there to teach them a lesson as I was raise to believe, and plus now I was in a different environment and didn’t really know anyone, outside my ‘friend’, who showed to not give a rats ass about me, (which is an entirely different story in itself), but did give me a room in the back of his music studio, where for the next year and a half I would experience and learn the true nature of how devious, conniving and shifty the mind can be, and how far one would go to the precipice of spitefulness, in order to have their own way of controlling everything and everyone around them, and through the use of alcohol and drugs, forget everything that just happened the day before, but point the finger at me, for how they experienced themselves and what they went through the night before, then go back and tell others, (including my friend) that I’m the weird one, as if I’d just done to them everything they just did to me, like “Oh my, this is not happening” just to say the least. And mind you, I still hadn’t joined the forums or anything as of yet, but did continue downloading everything that came off of YouTube from Desteni while still re-listening to old videos.
I mean imagine feeling as if your stuck in a back room of an active music studio and everyone there was against you, where everytime you walk out the room, your being laughed at, talked about, and ridiculed, but silently, by the same ones that just smiled in your face, one would eventually go crazy, but for some reason I would always revert back to the little bit of material I had, that kept me from going crazy and wanting to break someone’s neck, I’m sorry but literally speaking.
Throughout that period though I pretty much held myself together as best as I could and then got moved into the warehouse, next to where my friend lived, all by myself with no one around, so basically in seclusion from everyone and for the next 2 years what I went through, as the first stages of getting to know myself was something else.
At this place, I experienced a massive amounts of emotions and feeling, from going into blame and depression about my life and into mind possessions, one after another, thinking what was the life I had all for, and that everyone was out to get me, that my life up until this point was all a set up, I mean the fear and paranoia that I didn’t know existed within me, came to the forefront of my mind, where I started believing things that didn’t happen, happening to the point of becoming angry and frustrated once I realized they didn’t happen and I was making it all up, but still after all this, I would revert back to all the videos I downloaded from Desteni and at times played them all, back to back until I would fall asleep and wake up with them on and repeating, that kept me sane.
Being that for some reason I was too scared to join the forums because I didn’t know what to say, but had a million and one questions about what I was experiencing, I just continued liking the new video that would come out, mainly vlogs of others on my YouTube page. So, in the next post I’ll continue with how I came to finally join the forum and really start walking my process as well as why I am writing this.
To be continued…