Day 588: Character Not Working Out, (I am) Pt.2

It’s fairly easy to slip back into an old character, being in an oh so familiar environment of one’s past, which in my case/this case, is being back in the gym working out again, where the test comes in when knowing that you’re there to focus on you, your body and what you’re doing in the moment, then find for some reason (from my perception) that it seems as if every girl in the gym came and use every other machine around and next to you, where I had to chuckle there for a moment, because I now see what’s going on, and everytime I would move to the next machine, it would happen again, where it was obvious that it wasn’t a coincidence and if it was, it was one hell of a one, but despite seeing all this, to tell the truth, I still caught myself looking and wondering and then snapped myself out of it like; “Hold on this is not who I am any longer” and got back to working out for me.

It’s funny how instant improvement is all we want to see, and I realized this point through Desteni, where I hadn’t considered that things take time, that there’s a process to everything, I was just impatient, so when it comes to being in the gym, after every set, we tend to look in the mirror, lol to see if there’s any change from a few minutes before we did a set, to now, which I now see is where and how I would start drifting into character creation, and losing sight on what I’m there to do and who I’m really there for, which is me.

I mean to see how to the extreme I once was, when looking at myself through the actions and eyes of others, as all these old memories come rushing back up within and as me, for example; of worrying about what others would think about the light weight I have on the machine now, being that I’m starting over , is quite daunting to say the least, while saying to myself; “Man I was that Self-Conscious”, that doesn’t affect me now, because now I’m working out for me and my body, instead of for the masses in the gym, as if it was an open competition to see whose doing the most.

But looking at yourself in hindsight is revealing how we ‘Pay’ for the attention we get, through the pain we inflict onto ourselves, in most cases unaware that we’re doing so, with the Ideal lingering in the back of our mind of, “No Pain No Gain”, but what is it that we’re trying to gain, that we think we’re gaining, from seeking attention from others, through this infliction of pain onto ourselves?

It’s pretty fascinating the things we blame on others, they made us do it, when in fact it’s our own Ego and Character Creation that we followed into being the way we are and experiencing what we’ve done unto ourselves, where in the long run, whomever we were trying to impress is long gone, and we’re left with a beat-up body into being out of shape again, all for the wrong reasons.

The problem I face, which is really not a problem, but a face I put on an old character while in the gym, is that of keeping a straight face and focus when you’re seeing so many others seeking attention, directed towards you, (Again my perception) where it just so blatant to the point of wanting to say, ‘yeah I see you’ then get back to what you’re doing, but not in the sense of superiority/Inferiority, but just saying, where in bringing it back to self, it’s rather sad to see myself playing out right in front of me and then react to what I see, as something I never corrected in my past, so for this, in the Here and Now;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have had a starting point for working out to impress others, mainly girls, where whenever I would go into the gym, beforehand, I would create this superiority Character as if I was better than anyone there and would do things to be the center of attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then let this character work out for me, instead of me working out with the starting point of obtaining a compete connection with all my extremities working as one unit to achieve my physical utmost potential, to become one and equal with my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have perpetuated the show off character, in trying to show off what I could do and how much weight I could lift to the people around me in the gym at the time, as if I was in some form of competition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, seek attention from others while working out in the gym going to the extremes at times whenever I would see a girl looking at me , where after a set, I would start huffing and puffing as if I was really doing something, then put on this tired/it hurts face, for some form of sympathy, while peeking out the corner of my eye to see if I got her attention, and if I did I would continue this pattern over and over again to the detriment of my own physical body.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/ understand the damage, I was doing to my physical body, through perpetuating these characters, where I would overexert myself, in the moment chasing after the energetic rush of being the center of attention and would only realize it later on through the experience of cramps, pulled muscles/muscle strain and stretch marks, and of course excruciating pain, but wouldn’t heed the warning my body was giving me to stop this Nonsense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when walking passed the mirror in the gym, erect my posture to fit the character that I was perpetuating at the time and with a cocky proud demeaner, touch my arms and flex my muscles as if to gloat about the way I was looking, which I see was only my Ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my body in every way, back then, by putting myself through the ringer, so to speak, then wonder why I would always be in so much pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in disregarding my body, would eventually experience a disconnect with my joint, where my joints would become sore from after a period of time of not working out, then found myself slouching while sitting down in chairs and even standing up at times, as well as becoming tired throughout my days, and so decided to start working out in the gym again, but this time for me and not to impress others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, being back in the gym, although there’s a difference in my starting point, still find myself at time, attempting to drift off into an old character of looking at girls who’s around me/looking at me, instead of focusing on myself, I start wondering about them, where I then have to relocate myself and bring myself back here, saying; “Hold on, this is not who I am anymore” then get back to working out for me.

So, when and as I see myself being back in the gym, where there’s this urge coming up within and as me, of wanting to impress others, through the perpetuation of a character, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand, from the consequences I’ve faced in the past, that these characters are detrimental to my physical well-being and have no place in my working out, as with these characters I tend to over-do it and end up hurting myself, so I commit myself to working out for me to get that much closer to being one with and equal to my human physical body and experiencing the connection, I’ve been working towards in my process.

Thanks for reading.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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