Day 585: Internal Rage Pt. 2

The reason I chose this topic to write about is because there has been time throughout my process where it felt as if I was climbing a mountain upside down, then would become frustrated and not knowing how to put myself back right side up again. Thing is and the reason I would experience this rage is because of knowing that there’s nowhere to go back and give up to, I suppressed the emotions/feelings and reactions that would come up, and was too proud to try and reach out to other for any form of help, so I was like a barrel of electromagnetic energy waiting to ignite and believe it or not it did happen before.

One day as I was walking through the grocery store, I walked passed this man and his kid and as I passed him, I slightly brushed against his arm that let of a tremendously loud spark and shock, like POP, which startled me and the kid was like Whoa, cool and at that moment I knew that something wasn’t right, that I was carrying around all this energy and need to somehow ground myself, but didn’t know how to or what was really going on inside me and this was before I really started walking process but knew about it, I also knew that I was experiencing internal rage that caused this energy build up and eventual shock, because of what was going on in my life at the time.

So after I started really walking my process, I started to understand the energy that was me , that I had accumulated over the years, and suppressed it to the experience of internal rage, and although I no longer experience this rage on that level, (because I’ve walked through most of the points I was facing back then), I found that it’s still easy for this build up to occur in the context of walking process and getting to know and understand all the new knowledge and information that I’ve inundating myself with and applying it to my life, while realizing that what I went through/going through was/is still my fault as well, could be rather overwhelming, I mean still to date, at times I experience this , but realizing that internal rage suppressed can be detrimental to one’s wellbeing, and projected outwards, turns into blame and manipulation, can be detrimental to one relationships with others;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, to have suppressed thought/feelings/emotions and reactions that would come up within and as me, accumulating into Internal rage, that I’ve experience as an energy build up within and as me, as I walked around shocking people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this internal rage as a form of manipulation, trying to manipulate myself and others to comfort me in a way for what I was/.am experiencing as a flood of emotions and feeling, instead of writing it all out myself and applying self-forgiveness for it to release this energy I existed and still exist as, at times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate energy within and as me, from reacting and going into mind possessions thinking that no one cares about me, and or others are out to get me, instead of realizing that I’m making it all up in my mind and believing it to be true, which in fact is not.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand That this internal rage is nothing more than a defense mechanism to the mind, for me to remain in, and continue perpetuating my same old Patterns/Way/Behavior and Habits, being that if I experience resistance to something and realize it, must mean that I’m getting to a point of self-awareness, therefore this internal rage is useless.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to really look at the things I rage about within me to see that I’m allowing these pointless miniscule things to control me, but if I have a look at them, I would realize how simplistic it is to breathe through my reactions, forgive them and simply let them go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe that I am powerless to do anything about this rage that exist within and as me, that it’s hopeless, that I’m hopeless and will never get/understand the simplicity of what’s right in front of my face, instead of realizing how ridiculous that sounds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have grown into a powerless human being throughout my life, up until this point in my life, so when now, realizing how powerless I have become, and there’s a way to fix this, to empower myself, I resist doing so, by hiding behind this rage that exist within and as me. So within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind the rage I existed as, instead of empowering myself to move beyond it, and take responsibility for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have put up a shell of being cool/calm and collective externally, while internally raging against the brainwashed machine that was me, recycling old thoughts and memories from my past, to relive in the confines of my mind and rage about what I coulda/shoulda done but didn’t, that ends in blaming others for doing things to me, instead of forgiving and letting these memories of my past go unconditionally.

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to give myself a tainted foresight of things to come in my imagination, due to the rage I let blind me from seeing me, right here, right now, in front of me, in the present as everything around me, that would keep me focused on me and not on others in or outside my family/friends or people in my world, in other words no one is out to get you/me because I haven’t got myself as of yet, which is only an investigation away from correcting myself from thinking like this.

In turn from rage to reconstruction consisting of laying out instead of playing out my past under a microscope, highlighting the trigger points as thought and memories causing me to react to, instead of attacking the root cause, forgiving it, and redefining a word to live in the place of it, as the corrective application that would keep you/me from going back into this Internal rage I let myself exist as in the experience of me Here and Now. So.

I commit myself to live the words Inner Peace as to walk in self-awareness of any movement what so ever coming up within and as me, to in the moment stop, breathe, forgive and live the next supportive word that I see, throughout the rest of my day, sleep then wake up and repeat. No more Internal Rage ‘Delete’.

Thanks for reading.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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