Day 584: Internal Rage

When you get to the point where you feel there’s no solution to what you’re experiencing, brought on by a mind possession of thinking that you’re less than and just don’t get things like everyone else does, I mean it feel like you’re on another page than everyone else and no one care what you’re going through, is when you need to STOP right there, take a step back and breathe, then realize the fact that you’re experiencing this internal rage is proof enough that some form of change is taking place within and as you, for the simple fact that you are seeing/realizing this movement within you in the first place.

The hard validation of a pattern/habit and/or behavior that you exist as and want to keep doing, is when you rage internally about it and fight tooth and Nail trying to find some form of “Right:” within it, to the point of making yourself believe that your way of doing things is better then, just doing them the correct way, even though the correct way may seem harder than your way of doing things, is only because one haven’t really given the correct way of doing things a chance, enough to see that it works, which was a major problem I had, when working through things, not to say that it easy by any means, because when you’re starting from scratch, it’s like you’re playing catch up to people you really don’t know and haven’t ever met, but not as a comparison thing, just literally, where words on the internet is one thing and talk to and meeting someone is another, but only complicate things in the midst of investigating oneself, where it should be all about you/all about me.

Point being, these things could cause one to experience internal rage if not careful, thinking that no matter how much you try you’ll never be a part of what’s really going, so when you let these thoughts fester within and as you, you start to make un-informed decision, in formation to what your mind is presenting to you and making you believe.

A sense of powerlessness and hopelessness is what comes up when experiencing this internal rage, to the point of becoming drained, inundated and overwhelm by these thought, because you then find yourself looking for acceptance, but haven’t accepted the fact that you have to take the initiative to investigate for yourself you and the solutions to the you that you’re experiencing/facing, I mean because the tools are right here, given through investigating Desteni and/or walking the DIP courses.

But the most crucial part of experiencing internal rage is when you get to a point of somewhat understanding what’s going on within and as you thinking that you got a grip on things then slowly start slipping back into old ways/habit/patterns and behaviors, by telling yourself, all I have to do is to forgive myself for it later, then wonder why things start becoming worse, why all of a sudden you’re angry at things, thinking that you’re just standing your ground, so your anger is validated, which couldn’t be that much further from the truth, and the anger is coming from knowing that you’re slipping internally and letting yourself sink deeper and deeper into rage, then depression, blame and victimization, thinking then eventually stating “You did this to me”, it’s all your fault”, as if that’s possible, without giving your power away.

Which is the point of the problem, where for the longest, throughout our lives, we’ve had things blamed on us since childhood, where some parents would say ‘See look what you made me do” and or “this is going to hurt me more than you”, which is oddly enough the beginning of internal rage for some of us, where we’d rage in wonder how could you say this to me, after you just beat me, and I’m too young and powerless to do anything about it, but at the same time, when we get older, not seek out the understanding of why this happens.

But for those of us who have found the answers that we were looking for, who have somewhat began investigating ourselves, what I found is that we use this internal rage, as a form of self-manipulation to try and get over on ourselves, when things become a bit overwhelming, like saying “Stop for a fucking Minute” instead of breathing through the assistance we receive from ourselves as our support system, and if that works, we’ll try taking it one step further and using this internal rage as a ploy for help elsewhere, when the healing of self comes from self-help, so help yourself to correcting you/and me me.

To be continued…


About carltontedford

In Process.
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