Day 583: An Outsiders Perspective

It’s been some time since I’ve been back in my home town, driving and looking around at what’s left of once a thriving city, where families were built to create a since of belonging, belonging to no one but a belief system of hope, hoping to someday leave this place and bring back to it what was learned during the time away, but something changed, where the dreams were never reached, because back at home, no one was taught about the plight of the world and got lost in all the lights, glamor and glitz that make one never want to return.

What’s left is such a depressing place for a depressed state of mind for those whose left behind to live in and clean up such a mess that was made and left, where the overwhelming sense of purpose has dwindled down to a flicker of a flame, just enough to survive in this desolate place, maintaining jobs that pays peanuts, just enough to buy moments of free time after work, consisting of a 22 ounce of beer and a joint to take one’s mind off of this depressive state, until one falls asleep and wake up to do it all over again the next day.

For years I’ve been an observer to this and have watched countless of old friends and family members maintain this form of existing, thing is, when we become stuck in on frame of mind and one frame of living life, it becomes pretty hard to see anything changing in the near future and if you were to tell someone that it’s all your fault that you exist the way you do, they’ll look at you after asking you and say who asked you.

But despite all that one goes through in the environment in which they live, such as being here in Flint/Michigan, there is an unspoken acceptance to the way things are, where the attitude is; ‘’If this is all I got, I’ll make the best of it”. In every household, there’s a ticking Clock that chimes on the 12 while time slowly passes you by, and if you sit there and listen to it, you start to wonder, where have all the time gone, into how have I spent my time while away, have I made a change within myself from the person that I used to be, that I still see within and as my old friends and family member’s and if not, I’m sure it’s easy for one to slip back into a depressive state, as what’s seen when looking and driving around this old town.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience as an observer a depressive state when visiting the town, I grew up in, where seeing how everything has went downhill since I left, can easily put one in a depressive frame of mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become depress, when I have visited before where, there was a sense of wondering, why have I chosen this life and this town to be raised in, not realizing that this was because, at the time, there was no change in me, to experience as myself, therefore, what I was experiencing was remnant of a past I never forgave corrected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt sorry for others that are still here in my home town, instead of realizing this sorry feeling was really toward myself, because of the lack of change within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have when dealing with my mom and dad back then on previous visits, not have the patience and understanding, realizations that it’s not their fault for where and how I was raised, but instead shrugged my shoulder of responsibility that I had/have the opportunity to make a difference in my own life, which I later took and was all the better for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have at one point separated myself as an observer, in separation from those who I grew up with, acting as if and just because I no longer live here, that I never have been a participant, which is a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have tried to hide the fact of being a participant and living in this once thriving town, where I wanted to disassociate myself as far from it as I could, once I had gone away and the town had gone down.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand, that no matter where I go and for how long I’m gone, whenever I come back, the fact still remains, that this is where I was raised and equally played a part in how this place turned out to be, so there’s no reason to look at my home town objectively, but to see and correct what I can about this town, as this part of me, internally , that would be my first step in to correcting my relationship in my mind with my home town.

When and as I see myself accessing this depressive energy whenever I’m visiting my home town, where there is a sense of feeling sorry for being from whist I came, I stop and breathe, I see realize understand that this sorry feeling is not really towards others, but towards myself, where I have become sorry that I haven’t changed and/or experienced change enough in my life to see a different me, in which if I had at the time, I would have come to grips of everything that I saw as being a part of me and taking responsibility for it, so I commit myself to seeing all as me, that I see around my home town and to not get down into a depressive state, but to remain stable and correct those parts that I see needs it within and as myself.

Thanks for reading.


About carltontedford

In Process.
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