Day 581: Liar Liar Pants On Fire

Just when you think you have a grip on something, up pops another aspect of it. When placed in a position of being grilled by an establishment, question to the point of uncertainty, where answers had to be given immediately in the moment, in order for something to go through, I choose to lie, instead of telling the truth and letting the chip fall where they may, bringing someone else in this lie, that when put on the spot I thought would help for this thing to go through, but it didn’t and to make a long story short, I soon realized how big of a mistake I made, being that under no circumstances should I have lied and/nor brought anyone else into it as well.

What I realized is that when put under pressure I still follow this pattern of reverting back to lying when I don’t have the answers to all the questions that’s being asked, thinking it would suffice, while knowing that it won’t, I mean like fuck man, why didn’t I investigate more beforehand this establishments criteria, instead of rushing into placing myself in a position of thinking I have to lie to make things go through, this is not who I am or have been as of late or even ever want to be again, where in the past I would have saw this as sort of a white lie, a lie with good intentions behind it, but in reality there’s no such thing.

You see the thing about lies are once you start with one, you’ll end up having to create another, then another to cover up for the first, and so on and so forth, even if it’s to try and get something done, there’s NO excuse, that would justify this behavior and in hindsight looking back you end up feeling shitty, because although our intention may have been good, our actions shows otherwise.

But still it’s not an easy thing for most to admit to, a mistake, where in this case I missed taking the opportunity to investigate further before rushing into things blindly per se, and in doing so, missing the given opportunity to take others who may have been implemented in the lie in to considerate, before placing myself into a think fast situation that I failed.

And although alternative measures were met where things ended up working out, after the fact, doesn’t negate the point of me having to take responsibility for my behavior in this matter, so for this;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush into doing something, that I have done before, thinking that it would go the same way, without investigating the more that I was doing than before would have more stipulations, which ended up being more of a process, where when question about what, when, where, why, how come and who, I didn’t have all the answers, but by having too much of a desire for things to go through, I ended up making up things as answer to these questions, which were Lies that didn’t fit, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make up things when asked questions about others, with the expectation that this would expedite the process, which did work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when pressured to answer specific questions in the moment that I don’t have all the answers for, fall under pressure and revert to making things up, lying in essence, thinking maybe this would sound better, instead of just saying I don’t know and/or telling the truth and letting the chips fall where they may.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mind-possessed in that moment of thinking that I was doing more good than harm, then immediately after realized for me it was the opposite way around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make up things as answer to questions about others to make it seem as if I know them more that I do, without taking into consideration what I am putting onto the other person, and for that in this case, I’m sorry to the being that is for making up things to questions that was asked about you, and I’m asking you to Please forgive me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate into the alternative measures that was given to me before hand, before jump the gun into what I deemed as a more easier route to do things, but if I would have investigated these measures, I would have realized that one of the measures that was originally given to me, was easier than the route I chose, and would have saved me from the headache of having to answer all these questions and failing to do so truthfully.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get wrapped up in the ideal of wanting to be trusted to do what I said I would do, so much to the point of placing myself in a position of not being trusted, because of making things up, here I failed to look at the bigger picture of it all, and now face with walking this point again, because I didn’t see/realize the pressure point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not realized the compromising position I have placed myself in and possibly that of others, when it comes to the specifics and ways in which I went about getting things done, where it’s one thing for me to face my own self-induced on Self mistake, but a whole different ballgame, when you involve someone you have the utmost respect for, and so what may not seem as a big deal to most, is huge to me, because, I could have saw this coming, but to not beat myself up about it, but take it as a learning lesson to under no circumstances repeat again.

So, when and as I see myself (ever again) rushing into doing something that I’ve done before, thinking that it would go the same way, but end up facing more stipulations than before, because of the more that I’m doing, (by an establishment), where I’m then grilled about the specifics of who, what, when where, why and how come, and don’t have all the answer, but too much of a desire for things to go through, where I end up making up things as answers to the question I’m asked, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand, that under no circumstances should I have to make up things, in order for things to go through, that when investigated beforehand, I would have seen the extra it takes to make this happen and would have readily chose a different route. So, I commit myself to no longer assuming to placing myself in a position of having to decide on what to say to make things happen, because of my desire to rush get things done my way, but to instead to investigate all possibilities to see the most easiest, that I wouldn’t have to place myself in a position of going outside my moral standards in hopes for things to go through.

I commit myself to no longer place myself in a position of being pressured into answering questions I don’t have all the answers for, and if so, to say I don’t know and for those I do know to tell what I know and not made up.

I commit myself to no longer letting my mind possess me into believing that I’m doing more good than harm by making things up, but instead to stick to what I know and let the chips fall where they may.

I commit myself to considering others when doing things and the specificity that I do them, to no longer compromise other in any way, in the implementation of doing them.

I commit myself to investigating the best most sufficient way of doing thing, that doesn’t put anyone in any compromising position.

I commit myself to realizing that trust comes through corrective actions and not through the Ideal of a pending and/or attempted mistaken action.

I commit myself to learning growing and expanding myself with the understand of what walking through this point has meant for me, and to no longer accept and allow myself to make the same mistake again.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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