I’ve lived my life preordained for so long, where all I did was follow suit to doing whatever I was told, as the right thing to do and I hated it, but didn’t know what else to do, so I conformed to a certain extent and when I got the chance, went off to do my own thing, I mean I wanted to experience freedom from rules, from having to live by schedules and only doing thing if they were planned. There was no spontaneity in my life, growing up watching one after another friends and family members who were older than me, go through having to get a job and work about 100 hours a week, just to have a little extra, get married and have kid and be told when they could go on vacation, live old and die, was too complicated of a life for me to live, I strongly felt that there was something really fucked up about all of this, that something wasn’t right and I wanted no part of it, so naturally I rebelled against ever wanting to live by Schedules and Plans, and the Goals I saw others in my environment trying to achieve only went so far, then ended up right back where they started, back at home, being told, “It’s going to be alright baby”, but nothing ever changed.
So when I got out into the world, I became spontaneous, doing whatever I saw fit to do in the moment, still rebelling against any structure of scheduling, setting goals and planning and for a time this was my freedom, being free from all the chaotic pressure and strains that was placed on us from having to get and maintain a job, just to survive and eat, live or die, so being prone to living spontaneous of course any relationship I entered into at the time would flop, lol because I didn’t like the idea of having to schedule a date, I guess because I was still rebelling against what I saw growing up that I didn’t like, in a way.
When it came to planning things out, my belief was why can’t we just do it now, on the fly? Well obviously, the world doesn’t work like that, and since we’re so separated from each other, physically and mentally the problem lies in having to plan to get to know each other to get on the same page so we can make plans to do something about not being able to plan things out correctly, I mean to me too much planning went into painting ourselves in to a corner here as humanity with no way out, and they say piss poor planning makes for poor performance, but what’s not realized is that having to plan to perform, is only a show and not natural form of Self-Expression, therefore we’ve created this world as a show to live in, with a lifeless platform of expressionless character created by the mind.
They also say that if you want things done correctly, YOU have to fix them yourself, which interestingly enough range true, being that we’re the ones who broke things in the first place, speaking from an insider perspective, where in order to fix myself, I must change the way I view Schedules/Goal/Plans, I mean at least I owe it to myself to redefine them to that which is supportive to me and all as life.
Because I often time find myself pouting about having to schedule or plan something, knowing that I have to, I guess the waiting is what gets me, but oddly enough, not that of being impatient, it only triggers a memory of my living a preordained life growing up, always on someone else’s time, never my own, which is different from realizing and understanding that I must walk this process forever, which is what I stumbled upon, looking for something different than what I’ve grown up to see and know, so yes my goals are now different in a way from self-preservation to that which is best for all, preserving all life equally.
So let’s start with Scheduling, where my schedule was a bit monotonous growing up, from going to school, coming straight home, to waking up and going to sleep at specific time, then having to go to church on Sunday and certain days of the week, then when Monday comes do it all over again and although I didn’t complain, something in me just didn’t sit right, so in essence I saw scheduling as something negative, in having to do what others wanted me to do, on their time and there are plenty other points around this, but we’ll leave it there for now.
Back then Goal were like dreams to me, as something to set way down the road, where I had defined goals as non-attainable, being that I created my personality around watching other people trying to achieve their goals that didn’t seem to work out in the long run, so my belief was, that if I set any goals, most likely they wouldn’t work out, so I told myself to just wing it and see how it goes, which didn’t go as planned.
Speaking of which, the only plans I had growing up was to get out and see the world, and the way I would make this happen, was through joining the Military, which for most part worked. I saw planning specifically as an adult thing where I never wanted to grow up, I mean my plans were to fulfill my dreams of making it big in music, but when it came to planning on a daily basis, I was too busy winging it, instead of setting things in stone, reason being, I followed the idea that something else might come up and that something else I didn’t want to miss, so I called this leaving my options open and have defined plan/planning as an idea without enactment.
Interestingly enough, just about every relationship I’ve been in since growing up was the enablement type, where I would let my partner, do all the Scheduling Planning and Goal setting, and they were pretty much always on point with it, but what did that say for me in the long run, when eventually I would have to face these points for myself, in setting schedules, making plans and write out goals for myself on my own terms, which was something I built up a resist to doing, because of the idea that these things wasn’t for me, when all along, I hadn’t given them an honest try, and now since I’ve been alone, this is where things really comes into play, I mean it’s not that I haven’t been doing these things, but while doing them. I still have this sort of resistance of old coming up within and as me, when these things should be fun to me, therefore a redefinition to these words are in order, to something that’s not only supportive, but fun to me as well. So, in posts to come I will be redefining these words once and for all and for me.
To be continued.