Day 552: Back Chat (Self-Forgiveness)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to split myself in two entities, myself and the voice in my head that I believe acts I the best interest of me, telling me to rebut what I hear from other and/or that I make up in my mind, that causes confusion and conflict in my world and reality, as I see the picture of my thoughts ever so clearly, that make me believe that I’m talking to the person I’ve had an interaction with a while ago, but in the mean-time, when I’m alone with myself Ranting and Raving about what I didn’t say, and/or was too scared to say during the moment of interaction with this person in question.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of being straight forward in emphasizing the things I would like to say and correcting the way I feel, walk away from an interaction with a chip on my shoulder, to just find myself later on having a conversation with the third-party voice in my head about the way I feel about the person I was interacting with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have come to a conclusion in my mind that a situation may be turning sour, because of a feeling I had of something not seeming right, then start believing the voice in my head telling me this is so, where I then started feeding off of my emotions in chewing out the third party that wasn’t there, as if they created the experience of me in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose a fall guy for the mistakes I make, out of my memory bank of the people that has done something towards me, while accepting the back chat of; “if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t have done that”, never wanting to take responsibility for the mistakes I made, then going into; ‘why don’t anything happen to them when they make mistakes”, in the moment not realizing that I made a vow, a commitment to myself to walk my process, so I know better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used the point of comparison as the back chat that would come up within and as me when seeing someone, in my daily travels, and have out of envy and judgment, downed the way they look and/or what they were wearing, in order to make me feel better about myself, not realizing that any internal conversations is but a self-check away from manifesting onto myself, that in which I see and talk about other in the confined of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have conducted a one on one conversation with the voice in my head as a figment of my imagination resembling a person that I’ve interacted with in my recent past, in not only saying, I should-a/would-a/could-a, but say what I didn’t say, as if this person was directly in my presence, looking me in the eye, then (get this) react to a made up response I assume to receive from this person; when the next time I see them, all is well, because I already had the conversation I wanted to have with them, on my own terms in my mind, like WOW.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have picked out what I classified as ‘Flaws’ on my body and wished to myself that I didn’t have them, as a form of back chat, claiming why me, as I have conformed to a societal systematic way of looking at things, not realizing the “my body” aspect of things, meaning if I created and programmed me to not like what I see, then I have the ability to correct and change my point of view. No Back Chat Allowed, because it’s All-Owed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have trained for the voices in my head that would tell me that I need to defend myself against others, as I agreed with this voice in my head and created schematics in my mind of real time scenario of what if, to do to someone I deemed looks threatening when coming across them, as a way of initiating war plot scenarios on a global level, and because (on a global level) what we’ve created in our mind Never happens, we go and make it happen, through False Flag Operations, because we as a collective is too scared to face ourselves for what comes up in the back of our secret mind. But it all starts with You /Me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived my life in a state of mental rebelliousness, where I often time accepted and allowed my mind to sort through information I would receive from others in real time, and in a split second come up with a rebuttal as back chat to what they’re saying, even before they would finish, instead if listening unconditionally to what they’re saying, and then investigating the whole truth of the matter for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of remaining stable in the things I do, fuck with myself in accepting and allowing myself, to experience myself talking back to me, in the moment of realizing something and/or listening to myself assist me into doing something a certain way, where I would then bring up the words, “I know” or “I know what I’m doing”, then become baffled this just happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, as I have then become frustrated, that this frustration is an insinuation for back chat to come up again, so the point of reaction may be the reason I would experience this from time to time, so within that; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the initial thoughts as back chat that talks back to myself to affect me., that would leave a backdoor open for it to happen again.

So, when and as I see myself being a cesspool for back chat to rest, regenerate and come up within and as me, against/towards someone in my world and reality and/or to myself, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that what I create I exist as, as well as manifest onto myself, although, projected towards others in my mind, doesn’t matter, because I am/have become the initiator of added conflict and consequences onto myself in my world and reality. I commit myself to emptying this cesspool of back chat that’s been lying within and as me and lying to me, in giving me a nudge, as an excuse to Re-Butt against someone in my world, because I didn’t find it within me to say what I wanted to say in their face and so waited and premeditated on what to say and said it in my mind.

When and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to think that this second entity as the voice in my head have my best interest in mind, I stop and breathe, and actually see it as that, one big mind fuck, where I see/realize/understand, that I have for the longest given credence to this voice in my head, in believing it to be everything/everyone from a friend of mine to God and the Gospel, talking to me, that would validate my self-interest, but in turn always found myself left holding a bag of consequences, because I would say/do and act out on what this voice was telling me, so Till here no further will I accept and allowed the voice in my head to direct me into another state of being, but to instead, stay being me, as who I am as life in developing self-trust, that doesn’t come up as a voice in my head, but through the assistance of pain in my body. I commit myself stopping any and all back chat in its tracks and no longer reacting to an IDEA of adding something extra to a previous conversation I had with someone, nor assuming and/or taking things the wrong way from someone, as the mind’s eye would bring it up, but instead to say what I mean in the moment of interact with someone, and to resolve any and all conflictual situations in the moment that it occurred.

The thing about back chat that’s not realized, is that it’s not secret, just because you can’t see the person in front of your face, doesn’t mean they can’t hear you, if we’re all connected (which we are) the mere mention of that person in your mind brings them/they’re beingness into your presence, but because they’re just as blind as we are, we don’t pick up on it, because we’re not standing equal to and one with our physical bodies, but still rummaging through the back chat that comes up in our minds, so a suggestion would be to start walking your process from Consciousness to Awareness as many have, to stop the back chat we exist as, once and for all and HERE’S how. Investigate, to learn who YOU really are.

Thanks for reading.


About carltontedford

In Process.
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