Day 551: Back Chat (Simplistically Put)

That little voice that comes up in your head when you don’t have balls enough to say what you really want to, to the person you were talking to, for self-interested reasons such as fear, and/or the snobbish mummer no one can make out, as you turn around with your head down and a sad frown on your face, with your arms crossed after being reprimanded by your parents or a boss, if you’re working.

A fictional belief that a situation may be turning sour, because something just doesn’t seem right, as you’ve recreated a scenario in your mind altering the outcome of something that didn’t happen yet, and thus start having internal conversation/Back Chat in your head about what you see and don’t like, vigorously chewing out the third party that’s Not There, as if they created what you’re seeing.

One by one, as you’ve made a mistake, go into your memory bank and start picking off everyone you know that has done something towards you, claiming if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t have done that, as the Chat of blame, instead of shame, meaning “I should be ashamed of myself for doing that, because I know better”, but instead, “Why don’t anything ever happen to them”, WHY ME!

Comparison in fact when seeing someone during your daily travels, on the street, in the shopping mall, at the grocery store, at church or school and even on vacation, as you pass them smiling in their face, while saying in your mind, “I don’t like what they’re wearing, how could they come out the house like that”, “I don’t like the way they look”, “He’s too short” or “She’s not my type”, all in a spit second, in time just enough to create and carry alone with you a few consequence to walk through, while walking the rest of your day.

Should-a/Would-a/Could-a, as a past tense to the situation/interaction we’ve been in, that we believe need a bit of refining, as we secretly speak the extra additives to ourselves in the form of a real-time script, created in and by our minds, while talking to the figment of our imagination that resembles the person we’ve interacted with.

A screen shot of oneself, when looking through the looking glass in our bathrooms, just before we jump into the tub, as we squeeze the love handles on our sides and/or lift up our chest, stating to ourselves, “I’m not good enough”, “I hate this about me” and/or “You’re ugly” in what I see, as an aggressive self-judgment of oneself, into the extreme of wanting to have re-constructive surgery, instead of re-constructing our minds to stop this Back Chat from coming up.

What if I’m faced with a situation when coming across someone I don’t know that looks threatening, where I’ll have to defend myself? Within the schematics laid out in my head, “If they do this, then I’ll combat that with this and that”, into man I need to take Karate classes (to compensate for the shit my mind brings up) as the preparation to Noting.

Within a rebellious nature, in always having a rebuttal against something or someone is where Back Chat lies within the statement; “But they don’t know what they’re talking about” and “Where did they get that from”, instead of listening to what they’re saying, then investigating the whole truth of the matter for yourself.

Thing is, we believe we directed ourselves into saying these things, because during the one on one conference we just had with ourselves, the minutes of the meeting told us so, so Yes, we believe the voices in my head to be real, to be who we are, and/or that of God as a third party that validates our self-interest, stating God told me so, but [Note to Self-] Back Chat is Not Who We Are, nor is it God telling you anything. Everything that goes on within and as us we create.

The most-simplest form of Back Chat (to me) is fuck you. The most complex form of Back Chat (to me) is fuck me, being that once you realize what back chat is and how it work, you start seeing it at every turn, but be that as it may, have you ever experience the point of talking back to yourself, where you’ll realize something/to do something and the back chat comes up out the blue of; “I know”/”I know what I’m doing”, “So what”, or “And”, where if not checked, you might as well check yourself into a mental institution, because this could really get out of hand, known as the epidemy of you talking to yourself, and answering it. This I have experienced recently on a thought level, where it’s like a form of self-antagonization, because you know exactly what’s going on, but accepting your mind to play a game of Tag with you.

Funny thing is, when it pops up, you end up saying what!! And to me that’s how I know in a way, that I must be doing something correct, because my mind is not accepting the fact that I’m listening to myself, for the first time in my life, so not to antagonize my mind because I know it’s capacity to compound things, but as they come I will correct them.

To be continued…

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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