Day 549: Regret

How many times have you said the words; “I can’t believe what I did”, “Only if I would have…”, that caused some form of consequence in one way of another in your life, that the Idea comes up of wanting to go back and Re-Get yourself back into the same or similar situation as before and walk the realizations of what you are now seeing as a correction to a past mistake/decision/fuckup, that if you would have known the outcome of what you’re currently facing and/or had to walk through, you would have done things differently, while knowing you can’t go back and change the past?

In some way of another, I’m sure most of humanity is guilty of this as I am, being the Regret we now face and live with, by choice and I’m saying by choice because at any point, we have the ability to drop this Regret consisting of the memory we keep recharging and bringing back up within and as us, that keeps this Regret fresh, vibrant and alive in our minds, into sullking and wanting a do-over, no matter the situation, we created it and have to live with it, thing is we’re constantly going back and recreating the same situation over in our minds first, and then in our reality, soon to find that we’ve made the same mistake again, then back into the experience of Regret again, wondering why we can’t seem to get over this point.

Although Regret as a headline in most every failed relationship, it’s still overlooked as a cause to any future failed relationships we have, being that if we still harbor regret within and as us about our past relationship, means we’re not over it as of yet, and so drag this baggage into the next one and then the next.

Most all the relationships I’ve been in, afterwards, I’ve experienced some form of regret, even if it was in the slightest way, regret was still present, interesting fact is that, I thought over time this regret would just vanish into thin air, so to speak, meaning if I didn’t see them I would forget about them and the regret would just wash itself away, which wasn’t the case, all I was doing was suppressing this regret within me even more so, everytime I would jump into another relationship.

A little about Regret, being that of and emotional reaction to personal past acts and behaviors, which is often a feeling of sadness, shame, embarrassment, depression, annoyance or guilt, after one acts in a manner and later wishes not to have done so. The feeling of disappointment is also closely associated with regret, but as I have experienced it, more on a personal towards myself level, where let’s say you’ve changed something about yourself and then in looking back on it, you become disappointed with yourself by the way you acted and/or behaved, I mean this too is not constructive to one’s well-being, but destructive in the sense of beating myself up about it, as a waste of time that can be used for self-investigation into self-correction, instead of shame mongering, it’s ashamed how we monger in fear, when realizing our participation as one half of a failed relationship with someone, but it’s not about them, it’s about who will you be, from this moment forward.

Regret is no walk in the park that you can just say Vamoose to and it’ll disappear, because it has a sneaky way of hiding itself and coming up at the wrong time as the Ego of Disempowerment, I mean it sticks with you like glue that needs to be scrapped off, layer by layer in order to get over that something or someone, and here’s where the trickiness comes in, you might not even be experiencing regret at all, but instead accessing a memory of a past cool/good time you’ve had doing something or with someone, that disguises itself as Regret but it’s not, thing is to investigate the feeling that comes up when accessing this memory in which you think is regret, in order to see the self-manipulating factor within it all.

Even saying, I regret that I didn’t start my process earlier, when I first found Desteni, is a form of escapism into self-judgment and doesn’t make regretting a cool thing, as I have experienced this form of regret as well, what happened is I then started going into comparison with others who’ve started before me, then into I wish I would have been there from the beginning, not realizing that this beginning I was currently at, was exactly where I was supposed to be, I mean who knows but yourself that where and when you started your process was the best for you, the difference is, actually there is not difference, between me, you and anyone else, point being that we’ve all started and are walking our processes, so when the mind brings up the Regret (in relation to process), just know you’re doing something right by walking your process.

Funny this was, being knee deep in shit/within the patterns I perpetuated and lived out, Regret really didn’t have any place, because if I did something fucked up, I would just move on to the next fucked up thing, saying to myself; “Oh well, better luck next time”, which was an easy way for me to push down/suppress any emotions I had about certain things, before they had the chance to come up completely within and as me, sort of like a defense mechanism, maintaining a perception of myself in front of other, to never let them see me sweat or cry, while in the meantime gracefully getting older, as I watched the first grey hair pop up on my chin, lol.

Oddly enough I’ve defined Regret emotional base as remorse, sadness and shame, but this remorse, sadness and shame had to do with the memory of not being able to do something anymore that I enjoyed much at the time, because of something I’ve done. For example in my early 20’s, there was this specific chub I would go to every weekend like clockwork, but something had happened where I wasn’t able to go there an longer, the proper term would be, being 86 from the club, so when the next weekend came, I was fine, but soon started feeling a sense of regret that I was a part of whatever happened that got me 86 from the club, but this regret was more like, thinking about the good times I had there and the potential good times I was missing out on, so this was more of a sadness that I wouldn’t be experiencing those good times again, instead of a genuine shame of what I had done to place myself in this situation and position in the first place.

Point being with Regret, one sees where one have made the mistake, that one is now facing the consequences for, and the complete correction will only come when one as opened up this point and investigated back within one’s past, the regret that one has faced throughout one’s life, back to the beginning from the first regret I’ve ever experienced, then use the tools of correction to release oneself from the regret I still have looming over my head.

To be continued…

About carltontedford

In Process.
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