Day 547: Intimidation (Self-Forgiveness)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived my day being timid, in fear of things that I’ve heard and saw in general and of others that would lock me in a cocoon of emotions, shying away from interacting and/or participating in and within situations and people in my world and reality, showing me a reflection of myself that I didn’t want to see, thus calling this fear, intimidation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used the word intimidation as a projection onto/towards someone else, for being the reason why I don’t interact and/or participate with them during certain ventures or in life in general, making them the cause, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that any projection is a reflection coming from me, meaning I exist as the fear I don’t want to see, when looking at things for face bases.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have engrained preprogrammed images within and as me, that society deems as acceptable and pleasing to the eye of others as approachable, but then use the reverse images of others as a negative point of intimidation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it anyone else fault but my own, for the experience of myself as being intimidated by the way a person looks, instead of realizing that looks can be deceiving, believing that the outcome of any interaction would mirror the scenario I’ve created in my mind on how this would playout, if I were to… which nine out of ten cases being completely different than my perception of the person, I’m intimidated by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge a part of me, represented externally in front of me, in separation from myself, as something to be feared, intimidated by, because I’m not used to seeing me in this form of presentation, instead of seeing all and everything as me, as a part of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have had an Idea of how things should go, be and/or look in my life according to my personality, my personal-exceptions, stemming from the environment I was raised in and how things were, so anything outside of these limitation that I’ve placed myself within, would then be considered as intimidating, all because I’ve veiled myself away from the plight of the world, in one little corner of the world, with only me and my family, friends and/or group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have limited myself to living within a level of comprehension, based on the knowledge and information I retained growing up, that I have structured as the belief system I would live by, so anything outside of that, I saw as intimidating and scrutinized to keep this belief system alive and fresh in my mind, instead realizing to investigate all things and keep that which is good, that would break the chains of limitation and set me free, to learn who I really am as life and live accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to due to having a fear of others, I wanted to present myself as a point of intimidation, so that others wouldn’t approach me and/or leave me alone, instead of realize that I would soon get what I wished for, even if it was on a minor level, that of being alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have within this, embedded the look of intimidation onto my face, which in a way repelled others away from me, although it wasn’t my intentions to, after the point of wanting to look intimidating, had died down within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the idea of being intimidated push me inside the box of introversion, where I then only looked at the world through my mind’s eye, with a non-participation clause, secluding myself from ever experiencing the world as how I would have liked to, where I remained for a substantial amount of time in my life, that is until I found Desteni and started clawing myself out and into the reality of correcting me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been intimidated by someone being bigger than me, because in my mind the act of fighting came up from the movies I would watch, that would activate the what if character everytime I would pass someone of such in public and on the streets.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have had the desire, the long for interaction with others at times, but instead I let the intimidation factor override my forward movement, due to the perceive judgment that I would get from them, then walk away from yet another failed attempt to get to know someone, instead of realizing this judgment is of myself, which is asinine to say the least and disempowering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to In-Timid I live my-Day, and in fear I walk away from interacting with and participating in the things I would like to and the people I would like to, because of accepting the pictures attached to the thought that my mind brings up, that would deter me from getting to know myself on an external level, with the things/people I fail to participate in/with.

Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have hated the fact that I’m easily intimidated and live in fear, everytime I walk away from the point of interaction with someone or participation in something, then beat myself up about it to no end, instead of realizing that there is a means to the end, (A way to end this).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been instrument in creating a life of avoidance for myself, due to the idea that one should be afraid of a worst-case scenario happening to me, instead of realizing myself to be the creator of such and all scenarios, meaning why look in the mirror and jump at what you see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been intimidated by the word someone would speak to me, growing up I would take it to heart and tell myself this is a person I should be intimidated by, instead of realizing the majority of loud talker are non-doer and instead of being intimidated to blow it off.

On the same note, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used word of hate and warning, to intimidate others, when all it was, was me fearing what might happen if the situation escalated, and for that to all the being who I ever tried to intimidate through words, I’m sorry and asking you to please forgive me, as this is what fear do, being the intimidated and intimidator, which is really one in the same, so yes amends should be made in order to get over this point of intimidation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in grade school, be intimidated by this bully friend of mine, who if I didn’t go along with what he wanted to do sometimes, he would want to fight me, where
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to back down for most part, that is until he followed me and my little sister from school one day wanting to fight me, where I refuse all the way until a block away from my house, where my little sister then gave me an ultimatum to either fight this guy or face my mother when we got home, where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then fight this kid until he ran away, then walked the rest of the way home with my little sister.

Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trade in one form of intimidation for another, between this guy and my mom, instead of realizing that it was within my power to not fight this guy and to explain to my mother why I didn’t want to fight him, but instead I let the fear of what I perceived would happen on both ends direct the decisions I made, so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by fear into making a consequential decision.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that intimidation is but an idealistic excuse to not face the fear we exist as, the fear that we create in our mind as a perception of what if this, that and/or the other happens to me, if I were to talk to someone, walk passed someone, participate in this, that or the other thing, with someone, and so on and so forth, that drives us into a life of avoidance, when all we have to do is to drop the act and stop reacting to the thoughts that comes up in our minds, to live in time and not for time as a life of wasted time.

So, I commit myself to living the time I have left in my life, not as a waste, drenched by the fear of what if, into a delusional package of intimidation, but instead to create a precedence of stability, in accepting everyone and everything as me, allowing myself to drop the act of fear and be, live, interact and participate in the Here and Now.

Thanks for reading.