Day 542: Hidden Resentment (Self-Forgiveness)

Have you ever played Hide and go seek where NO one ever found you, where they look all around in the obvious places, (on the surface) but you’re not there, and then because you’ve hidden yourself so well, they get bored with the game and want to give up/not play anymore, and you to, because they’re taking too long to find you, and no one know the depths of your hiding ability, so because there’s too much work involved in uncovering the location you’ve placed yourself in = game over, I quit, “I give up, you win, let’s play something else now”.

Same as the game we play in our minds, where we’ll hide a problem deep within us, such as hidden resentment, then resent the fact that we’re facing more problems than a little bit, then go seeking for the solution somewhere out there, outside of ourselves, but never find it, so the first things we do is become bored, want to give up, when looking for a resolve, because we’ve found and corrected the surface layer of things, but still face more problems, I mean “I quit, because I just can’t seem to find the solution, because it’s buried deep, right next to the problem, the only place we don’t want to look at and face again, within ourselves

(Tis the same with everything we suppress and hide), so for this;

Referencing Day 540

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have told myself that I’m over it, as a solution or resolve to the way I felt about someone who’ve did me wrong in some way or another in my past, but wasn’t really over it, instead I suppressed it as a hidden form of resentment against them for what they’ve done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have said to myself and others that I forgive them, but when I’m all alone by myself, when looking back at the situation, I tend to forget my placement in the matter, where I’ve put myself in the position of allowance for such thing to happen to me,, claiming that it’s all their fault, not realizing if I hadn’t gone through this experience I would be worse off today than I am now walking my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have manipulated the question of, would I be better or worse, if this wouldn’t have happened to me, within myself, insinuating that I would be better in front of other people, then later on tell myself; “Man if I wouldn’t have gone through that, I would be in a different space right now, meaning less aware of things, if this wouldn’t have happened to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recognize the betterment of me going through, being put through hell during this last transition in my life, but in the back of my mind looms the resentment of “but they didn’t have to do me like that through”, and “The way they treated me was completely unacceptable”, although I’m in a much better place now = I haven’t as of yet gotten over it completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have still held hidden resentment towards this person, when seeing them and having a normal conversation with them, thinking that just because I’m able to talk to them, then resentment was gone, and on the surface, it seemed so, but underneath the façade, I really resented this person, believing that I’m unable to let it go, so within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe that I wasn’t able to let go of the hidden resentment I held of this person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold this resentment within and as me, towards this person, thinking that it’s easier to keep the blame factor alive and bring it up as a talking point with someone else who has a gripe against this person as well, by saying things like, “You don’t know the half of what they did to me”, I accepted the point of gossip more than the point of forgiveness, simply because I haven’t forgiven myself and let this memory and the point of resentment go, unconditionally, and within that,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose gossip over self-correction/self-responsibility and self-forgiveness, keeping the door open for other problems to surface in my life.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that through, harboring this hidden resentment, I am running away from seeing the gratitude in what I’ve been through, that made me a stronger person today, which have the capacity of catapulting me back, knee deep in the shit I once pulled myself out of and through, to back standing again, where if I’m not careful, a well fed mind possession could do that to me, where I would then again lose all focus of reality, my process and through resentment re-send my ass back through to the spiteful behavior of another human-being, because as it seem, I haven’t learned my lesson the first time, to be humble and grateful for this experience I’ve been through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the inequality I perpetuated towards the person in question, when not asking myself the question of what would I want for myself, realizing that I would want to be forgiven, once I realized my mistake in the matter, I didn’t consider how hard it may be for this person to live with themselves, to live with what they did to me, hanging over their head, (being that this person is a friend of mind and we will/have to communicate), so by compounding what they’re currently experiencing, with the hidden resentment I held against them, I have become equal to that which I resent them doing unto me and therefore would share the consequences of what happened to me.

Referencing Day 541

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life Not learn from the mistake I made, in relations to Not letting go of the hidden resentment I harbored towards others that has done me wrong, and ended up facing the same thing being done to me, time and time again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this hidden resentment I built up within and as me, is like a magnet to problems following me everywhere I went throughout my life, until I let go of the grudge I have against others who’ve done me wrong in the past, where only then will I truly be able to move forward in my life, through self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realizing that I was still harboring this hidden resentment towards this specific person in my life, that I thought I had gotten over, until I had a few dream of me abusing this person and causing consequences for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get into it with a specific person in my dream that has wronged me in my life, not realizing that this dream was showing me how this resentment I had for this person is really towards myself, that I haven’t gotten over things in my past that I let linger/fester in my mind, so with the next opportunity I had to blame someone for things going on in my life, I took it towards this situation and this person and protected the blame under the guise of hidden resentment, when in fact it was all about what I did and didn’t do in my life that has placed me in the position I was in the first place when this person acted them-self out towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent the fact that I didn’t handle my life correctly, where I didn’t take full responsibility for who I was within my life, and let things go the way they did, then abdicated my responsibility, by resenting what someone has done unto me, as an excuse/justification to the point of me giving up on seeking a solution for correcting myself and my life.

Additional Self-Forgiveness on Resentment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent the way I was raised in the depths of religion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent not being able to go to a school party growing up, when what I said was misinterpreted, but as a child soon got over it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have resented others for not following through with their word, when in fact I have done the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have held resentment towards my parents for the way I was raised, instead of realizing the moral values they instilled within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have held resentment against my Ex in a past relationship, when we broke up, instead of realizing my fault as well in the matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let resentment limit me in my life from getting to know others, because of thinking of the way I let others treat me, that I couldn’t let go of, then assuming that the next person would do/be the same, so I close myself off to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have at times resented myself for not speaking up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent the fact the I wasn’t as good as others doing certain things, instead of gifting myself the know how to learn and practice to do what they do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent the point of gullibility I have within me, instead of correcting and changing this point, to living the words, Stability/Grounded-ness/Here-ness and Awareness.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see self-resentment as a form of judgement in judging myself for the things I didn’t do, wasn’t able to do in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let resentment be the veil in which I hide behind to not face, correct, change myself and/or see that I’m better off haven went through things in my life, verses if I hadn’t gone through them.

What I realize is that any and all resentment I have towards others, is me harboring resentment towards myself, in a way where I’m all clogged up, full of memories that play out, as the excuses of my life in letting myself haven gone through what I have, without taking my response ability to change/correct what I was experiencing, that would have altered my life until today, so the correction being the investigation needed within myself to let go of the idea of myself and memories I have of my past, ‘down time’ unconditionally and to live my life from this moment forward, So I commit myself to standing up from within the resentment I have hidden within myself about myself, for the way I have disregarded my body and life, for the things I have done unto myself, for the positions I have placed myself in and for the excuses I’ve made to not have to face me, correct and change, that in which I have become to who I am as life. None of this would be possible if I hadn’t investigated, Desteni.org

Thanks for reading

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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