More Deconstructing –
A composition of an act easy to follow, playing out the emotion of hidden resentment, was the score of my life, creating piece after piece, unaware that I was doing so, because I didn’t realize the power that hidden resentment wills through manifestation, as the song of my life was unfolding, where (for example) you go through a moment of being wronged, but instead of letting it go, you create this resentment around it/towards it/towards the person that did you wrong, holding it so close that it manifest within and as you, sort of like a magnet tattooed on your forehead stating; “Do me wrong, I’ll take it” and no matter how much you try and pull away from the people that’ve done you wrong, more come, for the simple fact that you did learn from it, correct yourself and let it go, meaning there’s a form of ‘do me wrong’ attraction, we have to putting ourselves in the same situation, time and time again.
There’s a saying that goes,; “If you build it, they will come”, meaning if you build up hidden resentment within and as yourself, (they will come), the problems that follow you everywhere you go, until you let go of the grudge you have against others who’ve done you wrong in your past, only then will you truly be able to move forward in your life, make amends to it, make peace with it/them and find that it’s not only better for you, but them as well, I mean imagine a person not having the words to express their sorrow for what they’ve done unto you, let alone don’t know how you would take it, so they don’t say anything and shy away from ever having the conversation with you, but by taking the first step, no matter how hard it may seem, may open the door for them to come clean, correct and change things within their own lives, which is the action behind ‘Doing unto others as you would like to be done unto’ = the real definition of Love.
A relief sensation when feeling the weigh lifted off one’s shoulder, when the shackle of hidden resentment is detached from one’s mind, body and beingness, through self-for-GIFT-ness, and forgiveness, a pattern deconstructed and reconstructed, from resentment to reset, adjust and realign one’s values to that which is best all, always in all ways.
I mean, because if you look at it, it’s actually easier DONE than said, being that, ‘who talks like this’ (first of all), who talks about releasing themselves from the resentment they harbor against others, NO ONE, which is ashamed to see how Digressed we as humanity has become, modelling up and down the runway of life saying look at me, my body and my New clothes, in separation from the fact that we really resent ourselves and the way we look, for forgetting where we came from, so how much easier would it be to forgive someone, because “they know not what they do”, but YOU do?
The first step is never the hardest, but only takes doing.
After having a few dreams about harming the most recent person that “wronged me”, did it take for me to realize that Hey, I was still harboring hidden resentment towards this person, although I had told myself that I was over it, and believed so, until I had another dream with the same underlying point of abuse towards this person again, then knew it was time to investigate further.
I mean the further you go the more that opens up, take childhood for instance where during mine, at one point my words were mistaken for something I wasn’t taking about, and wasn’t able to go to a school party, and resented the fact that this happened and although this resentment only lasted for a moment, a day or two, that’s where it all started, as I carried the idea around of having resentment when certain things didn’t go my way, in my life.
But back to the story at hand, in 2012 I was going through a complete transition in my life, were I moved from Vegas to Cali after losing everything and a breakup. Now beforehand the friend I was to move with, told me how cool it would be and I wouldn’t have to worry about anything, + this, that and the other and everything would be fine, so when I got here, things started off cool for the first 6 months or so, but slowly start deteriorating, where I was treated as if I was a stranger, as if the person I had known me for the last 15 to 20 years did give a rats ass about me, and at times left me starving and so on and so forth. Meanwhile at the same time was when I joined the forum and started doing the DIP Lite course, which I can honestly say stopped me from reverting back into the monster I used to be, so after a few years of this I started becoming a bit more independent, but still was living in a warehouse where he put me and for most part made the best I could of it, while he lived next door at his place with everything one could have and need, he had and wasn’t sharing, and obviously there’s much more to this story that I’m not mentioning on purpose! Point being, I endured this treatment, but had built up this resentment within and as me that was so strong, for the simple fact that, there was/is nothing I could do about it, being that he had been my friend for the last 15 to 20 years, plus I had no were else to go, and top it off, I was now walking Process.
So, I mean we had conversations but after a few argumentative one, we sort of stayed out of each other’s way, but when we had to talk everything was cordial, I mean by then the damage was already done per se, and at the same time I was going the emotional turmoil with just learning process, trying not to react, into reacting at times, then going into one mind possessions after another, about the whole situation, plus I was stuck in this warehouse that I made in a home, all alone, with the walls talking to me, so YES I was experiencing some major resentment towards this Cat (Guy).
During that time I was saving up, and ended up getting on my own two feet, with a car and looking for my own place, then found a house and moved away and the resentment I had seemed to subside, but it was more like I suppressed it, hid it within me, where only during conversation with mutual friend, did I bring up as a talking point about this guy and what I went through, which only went so far, cause in my mind it was all his fault, but as I continue walking my process I started seeing/looking at things differently, where I started realizing, man if I wouldn’t have gone through this, I wouldn’t be where I am currently and slowly this resentment start turning into a reset of my life and values, but every now and then it would rear its head, hence the dreams I was having.
Funny thing, after I wrote the previous blog, just so happen yesterday I happen to run into this guy after almost a year of not seeing each other, where we had a cordial conversation, shook hand and as he started walking off, I called him back and said; “Hey I just wanted to say, that in relations to the past, I’ve harbored this Hidden resentment towards you, so I’m asking you to please forgive me for harboring resentment towards you for what we went through in the past”. He then looked surprised and begin to smile, with a sudden loss for words and said, that’s what’s up as I shook hand and then a few more words, we went our separate ways. With that I felt this weigh of sorts lifted off my shoulder and realized, what we go through in a way is purposeful, but by harboring hidden resentment, stops us from seeing the Gift in the matter.
To be continued…