Day 537: Suppressing Guilt

In the previous post, another dimension was opened up in relations to my Shutting down in a split second, here’s for context;

supprssing-guiltAfter looking deeper into this point what was found is; Suppression, suppression, suppression, when getting a reading from Kim A, where what came up is the fear of looking at the point of guilt within myself in relations to my mother and an old memory that I have suppressed since I was 2 years old, where because I was so small, it’s possible that I was faced with an experience that I didn’t know what to do with at the time, in relations to me seeing something happening with my mother, or that I perceived was happening to my mother (that I can’t remember) that I felt the need to protect her, but I couldn’t because I was too small to, so I suppressed it, along with believing that somehow I am responsible for my mother’s happiness now. Within that, what started coming up throughout my life is backchat in relations to all the emotions I experienced of sadness, guilt, loneliness, boredom, tiredness, remorsefulness, inferiority, isolation and sleepiness – with regards to my mother. And with this having happened at a very young age, would be why the shutdown pattern is so physically manifested within and as me now, due to the memory being on those deeper levels within my subconscious mind.

So basically, the point of sleepiness/dozing off comes up whenever this point of guilt is threatening to come up within and as me, but I don’t want to see/look at it – so I shut down. (In a nutshell).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt on a deeper level of my subconscious mind, where, I have suppressed a memory since I was 2 years old, in relations to my mother, that I somehow, feel that I’m responsible for her happiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have remained in this state of guilt throughout my life, that has caused consequences that I am facing today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this suppression accept the backchat throughout my life coming up in relations to all the emotions I experience of sadness, guilt, loneness, boredom, tiredness, remorsefulness, inferiority, isolation and sleepiness – with regards to my mother that carried over into my daily interaction with things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience shutting down, because of the suppression of guilt is so physically manifested within and as me, being that it first happened when I was 2 years old, that for years I wasn’t aware of, so then, begin feeling guilty in unrelated matter throughout my life. Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself have felt guilt about the way I was raised, when being around other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within carrying around this guilt, isolate myself away from other in feeling remorseful for no reason at all, as it seem, meaning I was a sappy son of a bitch.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through suppressing this guilt, have always felt inferior towards other, living in a limited state of mind, where if I saw others doing more than me, having more than me, I would feel less than them – that I wasn’t capable of having what they possessed or doing what they do, as a belief I’ve ingrained within and as me, due to the suppression of guilt manifested within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to because of isolating myself, experience loneliness, where I felt, if I would enter a relationship with someone, somehow, I would be responsible for their happiness as well, which unconsciously, I didn’t want that responsibility on my shoulder again, as I still had the stigma of what I experienced when I was 2 years old in the back of my mind, keeping me at bay so to speak, causing me to isolate myself into being lonely, during my formative years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to whenever this guilt is threatening to come up within and as me, I don’t want to see it and suppress it back down, as a pattern I have manifested within and as me on a physical level, causing me to shut down in a split second.

Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress guilt within and as me, and have been doing this my entire life, to the point of making me sleepy and tired at unforeseen times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced sadness, due to the guilt I was suppressing within and as me, with the believe that I was powerless to do anything about certain situation that happen throughout my life, so perceiving myself to be powerless, brought on this sadness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have perceived that I was powerless to do anything about what I experienced back then in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have easily become bored with things, due to the guilt I suppressed within and as me, that unconsciously took up space in my mind, enough to keep me distracted, to the point of finding other things boring, when they really weren’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become worrisome because of the suppression of guilt I existed as, where by having a guilty mind set, I would worry about what’s to come, and whatever I faced, would I be able to handle it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project this worry into the worst case scenario, of not being able to handle the things that would come up in my life, which is a mind game in itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand this shutting down in a split second, is a way of shutting myself off to the world and the point I must face, walk through and correct in my life, so in a way, to see this as a gift handing me a piece of the code to understanding myself and correcting me.

When and as I see myself, fearing to look at the point of guilt within myself in relations to my mother, that has turned into whenever I experience guilt I suppress it, hide it within myself, not wanting to see and correct it within myself, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that this guilt, houses the consequences of me shutting down at the most unforeseen moments which has caused me to get into and accident a few days ago, so I commit myself to looking at and correct this point of guilt within and as me, to stop this dozing off and shutting down spells that I be having.

When and as I see myself, accepting the backchat coming up in relation to feeling disempowers to do anything about my happiness and the happiness of other, so I then go into sadness, guilt, loneliness, boredom, tiredness, remorsefulness, inferiority, isolation and sleepiness, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that others happiness is not my job, to the extent of taking on their problems as if they were my own, but instead to deal with these emotions I experience and stop myself from feeling guilty all the god damn time for not being able to resolve things for other/protect other, as in the memory I possessed within me since I was 2 years old, in relations to my mother, so I commit myself to irradiating this guilt from within and as me meaning, first off to stop paying more attention to others than myself, and secondly, to understand that we all make mistakes in which the understanding of how to resolve things is not always instantaneous, but at times will take time, there no need to suppress the guilt of not being able to resolve the problem that I have taken on as mine in the moment, that only cause more emotions.

I commit myself to no longer Isolating myself, behind the guilt I carry around, but to lose the guilt, which would bring myself back to the forefront of living my life and expressing me, who I am as life.

I commit myself no longer feeling remorseful for no reason at all, but my mind saying that I should be, but to instead, become resourceful, in finding ways to remove this guilt that’s so physically manifested within and as me.

I commit myself to detaching myself from the thought Idea, that I am inferior to others that I see, have more than me and/or can do more things than me, by equalizing myself to the understanding of all as one as equal.

I commit myself to at the end of the day, take self-responsibility for how I experience myself, how I have acted things out/let things play out in my life – to no longer accept and allow myself to let guilt bog me down, but instead to stand up from within and as it and to release myself of all memories I have of my past, that has connected me to this suppressed guilt for too long, unconditionally, so I can return to my formal child innocence before whatever took place did, that I had defined myself as this guilt.

So in essence, I have been living in a cycle of things, starting with the point of guilt that I have carried for so long and suppressed it, to where now every time I feel guilty about things I suppress it, causing me to go into this sadness, as if I can’t do anything about what I’m experiencing, then into isolating myself, because of this sadness, then because of the isolation I start feeling lonely and bored, which turns into becoming tired and falling asleep all stemming from the suppression of guilt. So, this is a work in progress in my process as I keep walking.

Thanks for reading.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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