Day 536: Shutting Down in a Split Second (Self-Forgiveness) And some…

This is what I saw initially.

shutting-down-in-a-split-second-self-forgiveness-and-moreI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced myself dozing off and falling asleep, as a child sitting in church, because of the perceived point of not wanting to hear what was being said.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced myself dozing off and falling asleep, as a child siting in church, because of being inundated with knowledge and information that scared the shit out of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced myself dozing off and falling asleep, as a child sitting in church, because of what was being said didn’t resonate with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in a way use dozing off and falling asleep, as a way of rejecting what I was hearing, while trying to accept it at the same time during the service, simply because I couldn’t retain all that I was hearing at the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doze off and fall asleep as a child whenever I had to sit still for a length of time, when I perceived things were too long.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut myself off into the mind, at times during my school years, through selective hearing, where when things seemed a bit complicated on the surface, if there wasn’t a one on one interaction of help with me and the teacher, I would retreat into my mind, validating the excuse I would give myself that nobody is helping me, so it must not b for me to learn, not realizing I was limiting myself by doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut down in boot camp when sitting, waiting and listening to someone speak for long hours, because of sleep deprivation, which is common in the military.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within relationships, find myself dozing off and falling asleep, whenever we would go out to movies, where I would experience boredom when the movie didn’t have enough action in it and/or when I didn’t want to hear what my Ex had to say in lengthy conversations, which created a communication gap in our relationship, leading to the downfall of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced myself shutting down, whenever I would resist doing process related things, such as my writings and doing my DIP Lesson Assignments, as well as listening to interviews.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experienced myself shutting down from thinking too much, where when I’m in my mind accepting and allowing thoughts and memories to come up back to back without stopping them, I accept and allow myself to doze off and/or shut down completely in a split second, for a split second, then come back too like WTF was that, not realizing how dangerous it could be when doing things physically.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to investigate this point of shutting down in a split second in its entirety, but instead looked at bits and pieces here and there and expecting things to be alright, then found myself experiencing consequences for not doing a thorough investigation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced myself shutting down in a split second, at times when I didn’t follow the commitment statement I wrote on particular points, but fell back into doing them and found myself shutting down, which was a wakeup call to say the least.

When and as I see myself, participating in dozing off and falling asleep and/or shutting down in a split second, because of not wanting to hear thing, because of the perceived idea that things are too complicated, because of selective hearing, because of sleep deprivation, because of being inundated with knowledge and information, that scares the shit out of me (past tense), because of the things I resist doing, because of sitting waiting for long periods of time which shows my impatience, because of not following my commitment statements and because of spending too much time in my mind without stopping my thoughts, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that all these experiences are brought on by my own negligence to not following through with the commitments I wrote on these points, to change and live my corrections. So I commit myself to re-looking at specific points that I tend to not readily follow through with, make corrections if need be, and re-walk them and my commitments.

So, at first look, these times and points throughout my life is what came up, where I experienced myself dozing off and falling asleep, but also I experienced the shutting down in a split second more so, when these points were not present, meaning more investigation was needed, So;

After looking deeper into this point what was found is; Suppression, suppression, suppression, when getting a reading from Kim A, where what came up is the fear of looking at the point of guilt within myself in relations to my mother and an old memory that I have suppressed since I was 2 years old, where because I was so small, it’s possible that I was faced with an experience that I didn’t know what to do with at the time, in relations to me seeing something happening with my mother (that I can’t remember) that I felt the need to protect her, but I couldn’t because I was too small to, so I suppressed it, along with believing that somehow I am responsible for my mother’s happiness. Within that, what started coming up throughout my life is backchat in relations to all the emotions I experienced of sadness, guilt, loneliness, boredom, tiredness, remorsefulness, inferiority, isolation and sleepiness – with regards to my mother. And with this having happened at a very young age, would be why the shutdown pattern is so physically manifested within and as me now, due to the memory being on those deeper levels within my subconscious.

So basically, the point of sleepiness/dozing off comes up whenever this point of guilt is threatening to come up within and as me, but I don’t want to see/look at it – so I shut down. (In a nutshell) And with having a look at this perspective, I’ll do more investigating.

To be continued…

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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