As a child, sitting in the Pews, in the second row, on the left-hand side of the Sanctuary, at church, during Sunday morning service, I made an valiant effort to pay as much attention as I could, which wasn’t much, because (hypothetically speaking) my fund kept running out and found myself dosing off and Falling asleep, I often wondered was it the point of me not wanting to hear what was being said, was it the point of being inundated with knowledge and information, that scared the shit out of me, was it the point of, what was being said didn’t really resonate with me, or D). All of the above?///// Interesting how when you’re forced to do something as a child you naturally rebel, without knowing that you’re doing so, and in this case the rebellion came in the form of an unconscious awareness of dosing off and falling asleep, which catapulted the whole “Shutting down in a split second” ordeal that I am currently facing, I mean like WOW, that says a lot in itself, but let’s continue.
Oddly enough this only really happened when things were too long, especially during church, where, back then, they would get up and talk for hours on end, (as it seemed), so it was almost as if I was trying to reject the brainwashing that was being imputed into me, causing me to shut down in a split second, so here you have a few interesting points playing out thus far;
1. Being that of rejecting while accepting something at the same time, and –
2. Being that of being still for a length of time/when things are too long.
Basically during those time is when I mostly experienced myself dosing off and falling asleep, but during grade school, junior high and high school, I didn’t experience myself dosing off during classes, it was more like shutting myself off into my mind and not hearing what a few of the teachers were saying, which do show a level of shutting myself down, through selective hearing, where when things seemed a bit complicated on the surface, if there wasn’t a one on one interaction of help, with me and the teacher, I would retreat into my mind, validating the excuse I would give myself of; “No body helping me, so It must not be for me to learn” and I wasn’t going to ask for help, because that was the teachers job, to make sure every student comprehend the subject matter, which in my case, didn’t happen.
So, here we have the point of Shutting Myself Down, through selective hearing, where if something seemed complicated on the surface, if I don’t have immediate help to simplify it, I would retreat into my mind, this being another pattern I have engrained within and as me. [Side note] What I’m starting to see/realize while writing this, is that deep rooted problem solutions, can’t be seen on the surface of oneself, making it only possible for the person experiencing the problem (Me) to dig deep within myself to find the solution, by going back in time to where/when/how I first experience myself having this, that is now a problem, interesting. Moving on;
When I was in boot camp that was the next time I experienced myself dosing off at times, during certain classes and being that we were sometimes sleep deprived would be because I was tired, then at times the shutdown would occur, again due to long hours of sitting, waiting and listening to someone speak, it’s like I needed to be doing something moving around interacting physically with people and things, that would keep my attention into not shutting down.
So, the points here is Sleep Deprivation, which I have at times throughout my life disregarded my physical into doing, where what I saw more exciting took precedence over resting my body, and thus at times I experienced dosing off and/or shutting down in a split second, because of allowing myself to not get enough rest/sleep.
Then you have within a past relationship, doing things with my partner, like going to movies, where I would fall sleep, because as it seemed to me the movie was boring, it lacked of action and excitement I found interesting that would keep me awake, but any other time, It wouldn’t be a problem of me staying up and alert.
Within that what stands out is the Boredom with thing, where I would dose off and end up falling asleep when things seemed boring i.e. movies etc., which was one of the main causes of me so easily yawning into dosing, into falling asleep, during lengthy conversations, seminars, classes, church and other things that would take some time to get through.
Be that as it may, when I started process, things changed dramatically for me and my life, in my life, where I learned how resistance worked, how when I resisted doing thing, I would experience this lethargic feeling coming up within and as me, then going into yawning, dosing off and shutting down in a split second, same thing with learning about my mind, where if one is/has been in one’s mind too much throughout their day, they will become mentally tired, but mistaken as physical tiredness, although they physically didn’t do much throughout their day. And the point of yawning, I realized after watching a video on it, where I learned that in the moment the yawn occurs, one should be weary of why the yawn occurred, being that at that moment is when you were/are supposed to hear something and/or pick up on something of a realization that the mind doesn’t want you to see/realize and/or hear, so it (The Mind) starts it’s shutting down process, consisting of a yawn.
How these point affects me into shutting down is as follows;
Point 1. Resistance – The resistance to hearing new information, and at times applying the tools of self-honesty, meaning not wanting to face what I see happening within me. Self-Forgiveness, meaning not going in depth enough, getting to the specifics/root causes of the problems. And listening/reading/doing my lesson assignments, where because it was working on me, I would shut down in a split second, as if I experienced a dimensional shift of sorts.
Point 2. Thinking too much – where sense I’ve started realizing and seeing for myself just how much I’ve been thinking throughout my life, I began to think even more, lol, on how do I stop these thought, which in essence create more thoughts and so on and so forth, making myself mentally tired, which is what I would say is one of the main reasons of me shutting down in a split second. Ok so;
Point 3. The point of Yawning, I would say is the first steps the mind use as a warning signal or sorts, saying that I’m about to shut down, so make sure you close all application, just as a computer would tell you, meaning, that you’re getting to know yourself a little too much, so unless you seek stimulation elsewhere, I will shut completely down, BOOM that part/trap right there is what I didn’t heed to apply self-forgiveness on, the warning signal of my mind.
But interestingly enough all it takes is that one split second of not FOLLOWING through with the commitments you’ve written on ANY said point – to find yourself (and maybe your pocket as in my case) in a hurt locker, meaning the consequences can be Immediate, making this a lesson for me and all in learning that what you commit to, it’s a must to follow through on, or else the accumulation of consequences awaiting, looming in the background will come to the forefront and play out as an unwanted but Need assistance to get you back on track, as I have just experienced first-hand, so in the next post, I will walk some self-forgiveness on the points brought up during this self-investigation.
To be continued…