A personal story on how the mind plays game to try an trick you into believing the answers you have is not enough!
Beyond staying up for hours on end, constantly going, with no sense of time, with no regard to the strain I was putting on my body, it could take it, was my belief and for most part it did. I didn’t want to miss a thing, out on any moment of the perceived good times I was having and doing it all without any sudden Shutting Down in a Split Second, although I had help staying up. And then there was times that I wanted to be up but couldn’t keep my eyes open, sort of like a child that’s having so much fun playing, but has over exuberated themselves to the point of dosing off while standing up and/or playing with their friends, like “I’m awake” ZZ, “I’m awake” ZZZ, and end up falling asleep where they are.
But being that I no longer participate in the long hour nights and staying up for days on end with extra additives, It shouldn’t be a problem, staying awake, alert and aware of what I’m doing and/or participating in at any given moment during my awake hours so I thought, I mean I sleep between 5 and 6 hour a night, I go to bed between 10:30 and 11:30 pm every night and wake up between 4 and 4:30am every morning, for most part, when I get up I feel a bit refreshed, no grogginess and then get right at what I do in my morning routine, after which I drive to another location to do my computer stuff and during the drive some time, I find myself dosing off, being that it’s rush hour traffic, but not to excuse me dosing off, it’s still morning time so these dosing spell is not that of being tired, because, a few hours ago, I just woke up, I then do some self-forgiveness and keep driving, and this has happen quite a few time before, where I’ll dose of and wake in the next moment like W.T.F., so after writing this point out a few times it still happens, I’ve investigated the point of me being focused on my breathing, which helped, I’ve investigated the thoughts coming up prior to me dosing off, which helped, I’ve done sounding self-forgiveness, which really helped, but still at times in a split second, I’ll find myself shutting down, without warning, it’s like one second, I’m fine and breathing then the next second, BOOM, I’m not here then come back too like, what was that.
I mean I’ve written about this a few times in blogs, where I’ve eaten sweets and dosed off and fell asleep as well, but I have also eaten sweets and stayed awake, so I’ve been going back and forth with myself on this point for a few years now, also seeing the point of resistance, when it comes to reading and listening to certain thing, I’ll feel the urge to shut down, but with any other things I tend to mostly stay awake/alert (although there have been time where I’ve dosed off during these self-interested moments), and this is all happening during my awake hours, I have to ask myself, is there a need for me to take a nap during the day, when I’m not physically tired and I do understand the point of mental tiredness from thinking too much, where you’re in your mind all day to the point of it making you perceive that you’re physically tired and want to shutting down then shut down. Also, the point of it being my fault at times when it’s just blatant, which I’ve experienced quite a few times.
That being said, I felt that I pretty much had got to the point of getting a handle on it, stopping these dozy into shut down spells, when not doing things outside the norm, that would cause immediate consequences, so whenever the shut downs would occur, I could pin point it and resolve the issue, so I thought, until;
The other day I was driving back home after being somewhere for a few hours, around 2 pm in the afternoon, in heavy traffic after I had some lunch and although I wasn’t tired at all, I felt this dosing feeling coming on strong, while driving where in one split second moment, I shut down completely, long enough for me to run into the back of a person’s truck, then came to like FUCK, I mean I hadn’t been in any type of accident in over 10 years, the person ended up being fine, but I messed up the front bumper of my truck , the next day I wrote out some self-forgiveness on the matter, but still found that it still persist, so this is the point that I’m currently and have been walking for quite some time and would appreciate and accept any perspective, from anyone who have experienced themselves Shutting Down in a Split second, or able to shed light on some points that I’m not seeing, because this shifting has to stop and In the next post, I’ll do more investigating to open up this point more, in going into my past to see where this came from, and see where it leads us.
To be continued…