Day 533: What More Can I Say, What More Can I Do

what-more-can-i-say-what-more-can-i-doWhen all that I’ve said and done, wasn’t enough to make me into the man I wanted to be, you see, what I didn’t realize is that the more that was missing, that I couldn’t say or do, was/has always been within and as me, take for example the voice, I thought I would never have, to standing up within myself, to no longer participating in the things I once done, being that if I couldn’t say to myself enough is enough, I would still be living the statement, “what more can I say”, to myself in order for me to change me.

What more can I do, but to take a different path then I’m currently on, being that the path I was on, was head for self-destruction, then in to self-destructing and into living my life destructively, without realizing that everything I would touch, would crumble and enjoyed the rubbish, making it hard to see beyond the dust storm of confusion I lived within, where in my mind, I knew what to say and knew what to do, which only kept me stuck like glue to the excitement of not knowing and remaining in search of.

Because In a way I rather enjoyed the process of not knowing, the stagnation of being stuck in between leaving what you knew and getting to where you’re bound to go. I mean the excitement of figuring things out with someone new, who is also in the same boat with you, is ecstatic, when going up stream without a paddle per-se, always ending back down stream in the same place, thinking that as long as I’m in the boat, I’m safe, but that’s not always the case, being that what you’re busy figuring, is but a figurine of knowledge and information, so all that I was saying was only taken for face bases and on the surface everything seemed fine, but in my mind it was shear mayhem, I mean I had gotten used to the disruptive nature of my thoughts, to the point of participating in corruptive behavior and it was all my fault, what more can you say and what more can you do, when the words you used is not one and equal with you?

Growing up the most profound words, I use were; “I don’t know”, at a level of ignorance because I really didn’t know, so when something happened, I would say; “I don’t know”, when someone would ask me, what did you do boy, I would say; “I don’t know”. when it was discovered that I broke something and was asked, who did that, I would say; “I don’t know”, so why when it comes to telling someone else what to do in their life, we say; “I know”, I mean what more can I say and what more can I do, but to change myself first, and you change you.

The point of wanting to know more, is an ambitious way to live , until you get to the more you want to know and find out what it is, where you no longer can say, what more can I say and what more can I do, because that in which you seek to know and found could really change you, so it scares you, but the curiosity keeps you going, and the resistance comes in when you find that there’s work to be done, but what more can I say when I’ve arrive to this point myself, and what more can I do but to keep going when there’s nothing else to go back to.

It all comes down to responsibility, in that moment what you’re all alone with the idea lingering around in your head, there’s nothing to do, will you take the opportunity to walk through the door of change, by working on you, or will you sit back and relax play a game or watch a movie. How many times have we repeated the same thing and ended up drained of energy, when simply all I had to do was look, “In-to-me-I-see/self-intimacy”, to realize the harder life gets is because of me, as if I loved the rage within me, instead of peace and harmony, we hardly take the time to get to know ourselves, which is the only true way to really protect ourselves, our life.

So here I stand with more to say, that I can, with more to do than I’ve done, with more to investigate and more to come. So, for this;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I had reached the epidemy, of saying all that I could, then say; ‘What more can I say”, when existing at a level of ignorance unsurpassable to any knowledge, I’ve ever known, and never lived, when all that I said was based in books and hear say, the nowadays of back then, that I lived in until today now, where I’m able to say more, without a state of mind being present., and more than the state where the phrased was coined; “A mind is a terrible thing to waste”, to not waste time, but get to know my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used the sayings what more can I say and what more can I do, as an excuse of limitation, to not do the work it requires for me to change, instead of searching/seeking for more to say and do, throughout my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume the more of me was missing, without realizing the more of me has always been here within and as me to see/look at, investigate and correct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have participated in the things I’ve done, thinking that that was all I could do, being that that’s all that I knew at the time, and was raised to believe, whole heartedly accepting the limitation that was placed on me, then lived by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have rather enjoyed the point of not knowing, the stagnation of being stuck in between leaving the religious ideology I was raised in, and getting to where I am now in my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought it was exciting figuring things out, when I didn’t know anything per se, but as soon as I got to the point of finding that in which I was looking for, and found that there was work involved, I initially didn’t want to see it/participate in it, because I still wanted to live with a level of ignorance and saying “I don’t know” but the curiosity keep me going and now I’m walking my process that’s all the better for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have time and time again try and leave back doors open to scoot out of my responsibilities to myself and to life around me by saying; “What more can I say”/’ What more can I do” and found myself in a hurt locker, when things didn’t come through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have realized that there is always more that one can say and do in every sense of the words, that all it takes is one to investigate the more out there that we’re not willing to look at, the bad and ugly that’s we exist as within ourselves, the reactions and emotions we perpetuate toward one another. When having a look at yourself, things will come up as the more to do in order to change oneself into correction, then you’ll have more to say in sharing your realization on how you changed.

So you see the more is you, the more is me, but to get to the more one must take the first step in figuring things out for yourself, because no matter how you look at it, we’re not just alright, no matter how much money you have, you’re not just alright, no matter how much you go to church and pray to God, you’re not just alright, no matter how many charities you donate to, you’re not just alright, we’re all basket cases and until we find ourselves out of the baskets of our minds and into the physical, into this physical reality, we’re all not just going to be alright, so investigate the more of you, the more of what you can say and do, and within doing so you’ll find who you really are, but it’s a process, one that takes time, that I’m walking, that many people are walking, from consciousness to awareness, where we’re all saying more and doing more, to change ourselves and then this world into a place we want to be, and see all of humanity and existence leaving in harmony.

Thanks for reading.

About carltontedford

In Process.
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