Day 532: Good Deeds (Self-Forgiveness)

good-deeds-self-forgivenessI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have consider good deeds as a charismatic mechanism of trade for reward, praise, monetary fulfillment and/or a better life in the future or in the life after this, instead of seeing it as a naturally normal way of picking myself up, (through another, person, being or life form) off the ground without hesitation or contemplation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separate myself from others in the sense of leaving them to their own momentary demise, passing them by, with a mindset of; “Someone else will come by and help them, I’m in a rush at the moment”, then getting to place I was rushing to, to then realize; “Man I should have helped them” and beat myself up about the missed opportunity to perform a ‘good deed’ as a natural expression of who I am, then (get this) think that I’ll have bad karma for not helping.

And on the other hand, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have rushed to be a good Samaritan in doing my good deed, to lend a helping hand to anyone I saw in need, in the name of good karma, not realizing the expectations, more like future projection of something good happening to me, in itself, cancel out the good deed I had done, meaning nothing came from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been taught that the good deeds you do will make a place for you in Heaven and whole heartedly believed it to be true, when in fact a good deed is not done with attainment in mind, but perpetuated without waiting the time it takes for the mind to come up with, second guess and/or add to, in order to alter your response ability, the action you take in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been a person, that would normally/naturally help someone without second guessing and/or expecting anything but a thank you, (which is something), point being, the stigma I had engrained within my mind since childhood of good deeds being an obtaining Godhood type of thing, always overshadowed the common sense of ‘Do unto others as you would like to be done unto’. Within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the ‘thank you’ in the matter was the actual act of me helping someone, which shouldn’t be prone to any expectation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have in the past, used doing good deeds as a means to fill my suitcase of self-interest, down to the energy one derives from getting a simple pat on the back, which fed my mind as ego pieces of my flesh, then with this energy, I would turn around and give someone a piece of my mind, instead of leaving energy out of the equation, that doesn’t fit anywhere in doing a good deed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the beginning of my process, when things was still becoming clear to me, experience a shock at how I hadn’t considered it being a good deed to help each and every single life form out, from animals, to humans, to bugs and Insect alike, that is until I realize in one moment when my sink was covered with ants and instead of draining them down the sink with water or spraying them with repellent , I moved almost all of them on a few piece of toilet paper, few by few outside out of harm’s way, with no expectations of future reward, for the first time in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand a real, good deed is done without hesitation or thought, stepping in to confuse, disrupt what should be a natural action done, with the consideration of everything and everyone around you for nothing, which is also a redefinition of what a good deed should be and lived in every moment of breath.

So, when and as I see myself going into my mind, before, in the midst and/or after I am to assist someone with something I would want assistance with myself, if I was in the same position and thinking I’m going to/will and/or have done my good deed for the day, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that once the mind steps in, everything goes south, where although you might still help the person/being or life form, you’re doing in in vain out of spite, which only make things that much harder for you to get through, so in essence, you’re actually fucking with yourself into believing the illusion that you will receiving something in returned, and if you do get something you’re only blinding yourself to the fact that you’re missing the big picture of who you really are, in doing unto others as you would like to be done unto.

I commit myself to living the actual act of doing a good deed as who I am as life, without hesitation or any expectation, but with the consideration of all as me, which would be me looking out for and/or helping myself, at any moment and any time, I see assistance is needed from another person/being or life form, as what should be done, with everyone here on Earth.

I mean do you reward yourself, expect something good to happen to you, everytime after you take a shower, or clean up after yourself, or pick yourself up after you fall? I would think not, so why expect something, hope for something, want to attain something to get somewhere, for doing what’s called a good deed, in lending a helping hand out to your fellow man? To remember if there’s any expectation when doing your good deed, it becomes a Job.

Thanks for reading

About carltontedford

In Process.
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