What it all boils down to is me not caring enough about myself to ever do anything about the way I am, what and who I have become in my life, so I condoned the disempowerment, the fuck ups, the gullibility, the enslavement of myself to my mind, to money, to the things and people around me, I thought was unattainable, to the point of living live in a stupor, a mode of hidden depression that’s so dangerous, because you’re not able to see it on the surface, no matter how much you try to, all you do is run around grabbing onto bits and pieces of motivation to keep you going onto the next piece, and then the next piece and the next, thinking that there’s no way out, but you’re wrong, I was wrong, humanity’s wrong for thinking this way, when the answer is right in front of your face when you look in the mirror, it YOU, I mean that’s why we get caught up wanting to care for/take care of other people really, because we have the slightest clue of how to truly take care of ourselves, outside of eating healthy and staying in shape, because at the end of the day, when you’re all alone, by yourself and can’t stop your mind, who is there really to blame but You?
That’s where the real caring comes in, caring for oneself. And that’s where Self-Forgiveness begins, the ONLY tool/real thing that I know that works, without a shadow of a doubt, if done correctly, more that any PRAYER, more than any Structured Belief System, more than any Faith you’ll ever have or know and BETTER than giving up. Then once done it, (as we have in the previous posts) you apply your Self-Corrective and Self-Commitment Statements, for how you would like to live life and change this pattern once and for all, as such;
When and as I see myself, condoning the lack of care I possess of myself, in exchange for the diluted sense of care that I had for others, where no matter what they do/did, I would condone it, all in the name of a Friendship/ a Partnership and/or being that of a family member, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand, how could I truly care about someone else when it was evident that I didn’t care about myself, meaning I hadn’t taken responsibility for how I was, who I was, what I participate in and investigating my flaws, my weaknesses, my strengths and any other form of self-diminishment I existed as. So I commit myself to putting me first, learning to care for me, more than just my health and physical stature, but to also care about what I participate in, what I say to others, how I treat others, to ensure that everything I do is with the diligence and care one would have for a fragile child, which consist of stopping my mind, my thoughts, emotions and feeling from directing me into reactions, so that I may expand/grow/develop to reach my utmost potential and live care as the unconditional expression of who I really am as life.
When and as I see myself defining care in then most simplistic form, in the sense of being scared, where I find myself saying to someone, “But I care about you”, out of fear of losing them, when things are not going so great, but when everything’s fine, that care turns into, ”I dare you”, as in I dare you to talk to me that way again in the midst of an argument, arguing about how much we really care about one another, which shows that I have defined another dimension of care as an acceptable moment of arguing, in route to the other side or care as a feeling, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that this is a form of carelessness which only has to do with my own self-interest in the moment, never owning up to anything that I’ve done to get me to this point of having to say I care about you, in the midst of an argument and failing relationship, friendship or partnership, which I’d sabotage in my own way and hide behind the word care. So, I commit myself to stopping this lame game that I’ve played with myself for so long, in maintaining this self-destructive nature of mine, to no longer accept and allow myself to say that I care for someone, when in fact I only fear losing them, due to my negligence in the relationship.
When and as I see myself, thinking that others really care about me, just by saying it, but their actions show different, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand the level of gullibility I have existed as throughout my life, falling for a kind word or gesture, when it was just her or him that would reap the benefits, of my acceptance of a false sense of care, which spoke volumes about me wanting to be in a relationship, friendship, partnership that bad, that I would compromise who I am by condoning the things they did. In fact, it being my fault in the matter, when things didn’t work out the way I thought they would/should, so I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to fall for the word I care about you, from other, as I see/realize/understand these words are superficial and said from a starting point of wanting something for someone and/or maintaining a point of comfortability that is experienced with this, that or the other person.
I commit myself to no longer use the words I care about you to manipulate others into liking me or doing thing for me, as I have experienced the same being done to me which is not pretty.
I commit myself to no longer taking things to heart and getting caught up in a web of lies, because I choose to lie down in a bed of comfort with someone, who told me that they care about me and so I condoned it, but instead to confront what it is that I’m condoning within myself first, then about this person and with this person, to see if the starting point is that of Real Care, or is it to fulfill one’s own wants/needs/desires, and if it’s the latter to make hast to leave the place.
When and as I see myself, condoning that which I see within someone that doesn’t resonate with me, but I accept it for a few moments of self-enjoyment, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that this condonation, serves as the damnation to the person in question, mean I’m doing more harm than good by condoning what they do to themselves, I mean where’s the care in that, by letting them keep falling and destroy themselves, because I don’t want to lose the comfortability I get from what they do for me, is being as assessor to the consequence to be faced and experienced by the both of us.
I commit myself to no longer leading others on, down the path headed for self-destruction, being that this shows my own self-destructive nature, that I condone within myself that has to stop, but instead to look within myself and see what I’m not allowing within me, to not allow/condone it within anyone else, that I’m figuratively close to, or getting to know.
When and as I see myself, condoning the things I have done myself, wanting to relive or repeat them, when similar moments reoccur in my life, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that these things that I’ve condone has been the downfall and catapult to the self-destructive ways I have lived my life, where I have abdicated my responsibility to life for selfish reasons, and had no idea that I was living self-less (with no recollection of who self really is), So, I commit myself to staying on the path of self-investigation/self-realization/self-introspection and intimacy, to get to the point of condoning only that which is assisting and supporting to me and my process, my life and that which is best for all life, always in all ways.
Thanks for reading.