Day 527: Caring vs Condoning (Self-Forgiveness)

caring-vs-condoning-self-forgivenessI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wear the word care around as the condoning factor that fits my self-interest, claiming that the reason I put up with the things you do is because I care about you, in relationships, friendship, partnerships or any other type of ship we place ourselves in, to not feel lonely or be alone, where we then ship ourselves away from being here and into our minds, to not face and correct that which we see in the mirror as you, as me, because I like this feeling you give me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined care in a sense of being scared, where I have said to someone; “But I care about you”, out of fear of losing them, but when everything’s fine, that care turns back into “I dare you”, as in, I dare you to talk to me that way again, in the midst of an argument, arguing about how much we really care about one another, which shows that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined another dimension of care, as an acceptable moment of arguing, in route to the other side of care as a feeling, then rinse and repeat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept a person being themselves, during the
feeling each other out phase of a partnership or friendship relationship, condoning more than I put on, that compromises who I really am, thinking I can change them into being a cool friend and/or being a part of my life, so for that moment in time, I claim to generally care about them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reverse the CARE factor into being ERATIC, when my need was not met, in a moment’s notice, then reverse it back to CARE when seeking a Care Package (That feel-good feeling), all in the same as an energy experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that in past relationships, if you were to take away all the things we did/do/done for one another, that care wouldn’t exist, meaning my caring was based on a superficial comfortability of a feeling given and expected in return by both of us, me and my partners, so in fact this form of care was but a statement used for the momentary purpose of keeping us together, for as long as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been gullible in a sense of thinking that others care/cared about me because they told me so, instead of asking the questions of how and why, before submitting myself to they’re every beckon call/will and desire, because of what I desired, I chose gullibility over morality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken things to heart when someone would tell me that they care about me and found myself getting caught up in a web of lies, all because I choose to li down in a bed of comfort with them, instead of confronting what I was condoning within myself about this person and with this person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generally condone things people do for self-interested reasons, never telling the reason why I claim to accept the person they are to me and what they can do for me, which is far away from titling my affiliation to them as Caring, but condoned as a feeling.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that real caring is like saying “I’m going to tell you/let you know when you’re not expressing yourself as who you really are and you me, unconditionally, when and as I see the powerlessness coming up within and as me, within myself and within another, as in condoning the change that’s possible, when we both stand up for and as life, as who we really are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I was an ogre by condoning what someone else was doing to themselves, by letting them, keep falling and destroy themselves, because I didn’t want to lose the comfortability I get from what they do for me, under the assumptions that if I didn’t condone what they do, I would be missing out on that something from them.

To be continued…

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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