Because of the broad spectrum of definition’s I have used in interpreting the words Caring and Condoning, best thing for me to do, is to redefine the words to that which is supportive to me and my process, but first how else have I used these words personally.
Throughout my life I have used the word care in the sense of “Taking care of”, meaning my expectations of being taken care of, was at the forefront of how I have defined this word, which consist of, being enabled, then depending on this enablement because I’ve been used to it for so long, It was never a thing were let’s say someone would tell me; “I’m giving you tuff love so you can go out and do things for yourself”, which in hindsight I wish would have happened, but it didn’t so , I’m stuck’ correcting myself to unstick myself from this proverbial definition.
So, of course in all my relationships, I expected others to do things for me, if they said they cared about me and when they didn’t I was confused and took it as a sign, for me not to care about them as much either and in doing so, I’d sabotaged a lot of the relationships I was in.
Now the condoning factor has always been there, in the sense of wanting and keeping a friendship and/or being with someone in a relationship and thus saying that I care about them/you, which was really all because they seconded/agreed with my self-interest, the commonality that friend/partners have, whatever it may be, then going through the whole relationship drama, as I’ve mention in the previous post and into being alone again, was a constant/continuous thing for me, where I would go around in circle like a hamster on a wheel, coming back to the same spot, wondering why this relationship wasn’t going anywhere.
Then there’s condoning myself for the way I was, where the things I did, I excused as necessary, I needed to do them, in order to uphold the character I was in at the time, so even if what I did offended other, I didn’t care so much, because nothing was going to stop me from being the person I was, I mean self-condoning what Self do at time, is the absolute worst sense of condoning, because at some point one has to, or maybe have realized what one is doing is not cool, but in my case I would turn a blind eye to my faults, my weaknesses, my bad habits, patterns and behaviors, not realizing the self-destructive nature I perpetuated and existed as, would be my number one downfall, meaning I didn’t see it coming, but knew that it would and didn’t stop it, I condoned it to happen.
So if I could condone what I was doing myself, doing to myself, how easy was it to condone what others did, which also brings up a fear of being spited/rejected/ostracized and alone, which I’ve experienced time and time again and condoned these experiences within myself, until they actually happened and continued to happen, until I found myself alone, and the blame now is that I accepted and allowed condone as Con-done-it meaning (Consciousness done it), as I sat there thinking that I was powerless to do anything about it, and simply gave way to the mind to direct and control me, all I service of thinking that if I don’t condone what others do, I won’t have any friend and I won’t be in a relationship and no one will like me, and this all happened on my watch, while I was “watching TV”, per se, not Here directing myself.
This realization came up the other day, (oddly enough) while watching couples in a movie, how one would say to the other; “I care about you so much”, but on the other hand didn’t like what the other was doing, but put up with it and always accepted them back after the fact, which was interest, how when I looked back at my life, I had condoned the same thing within me and in my relationships and saw this as a point that needs to be corrected, if I ever expect to have an effective relationship/Agreement with myself and with someone else, where this word has to be redefined and lived, and as for the point of what I will and will not accept and allow within any potential relationship, as the condoning aspect of it all, has to be established within me first, before I can be with anyone else, so; in the next post I will get into some redefinition of these words that will assist and support me to walk in my process.
To be continued…