“I’m doing this because I love you and Care so much for you” as the parent chastise the child in whichever way they see fit. Do we really Care for others, or only Condone our own self-interest, in saying things like I really Care about you?
In relationships, we often hear, I care about you so much honey, that’s why I put up with your shit, which screams two things, first and foremost, worry (which I found an interesting blog on Debunking Worry as Care, Here ) and the other thing is Fear of loss, and thus we Condone what others do, under the guise of Caring about them, when in fact it is because I don’t want to lose you.
In most relationships I’ve been in, there’s this feeling each other out phase (whether partnership or friendship) where we let one another be themselves, that is until we chose to stop it and/or not be a part of it any longer, but in most cases we condone more than we put on, that compromises who we are and what we really will accept/have accepted and allowed or not ,that we haven’t in our past, but this time it’s something different, that we tell ourselves, maybe a new feeling, where when the question; “Why do you care about me/them so much” comes up, we answer with; “Because of the way they make me feel”, which is why we also condone the things they do, which all falls under the umbrella of ‘Love’, in its current state, form and definition. I mean after knowing someone for a substantial amount of time, we become fond of them and they us, to a certain extent and it’s safe to say that we have a sense of care for them and they us, but when looking at this sense of Care, if you were to take away all that you do for one another would the care still be there?
In most cases, I think not, as I have experienced and had to learn the hard way, that it’s just as easy to fall out of care with someone, then it is to say I care about you, but being as gullible as I was, I didn’t see that it could happen to me after a long period of time being in a relationship, but it did, I mean all of a sudden, I don’t care about you no more, which threw me for a loop, because when someone said they cared about me in the first place, I took it to heart and found myself believing everything they said, I mean it’s just that easy to get caught up in a web of lies, all because I choose to lie down in a bed of comfort, instead of confronting what I was condoning within myself about/and this other person.
In my world when someone says; “I generally care about your wellbeing”, then turn right back around and show you something different, it’s time to vacate the premises, to get away from them as fast as you can, because in hindsight you don’t want to be saying; “I knew it” and “I should’ve”, but the fault lies with me, because I didn’t allow myself to do something about what I knew, and now it’s too late. In essence generally caring is a broad spectrum away from being intimate with a person and not conducive to any long-term relationship.
In general we condone things that people do for self-interested reason, never telling the reason why we claim to accept the person for who they are to us and what they can do for me, which is far away from titling your affiliation to them as Caring, which in fact, if there was nothing in it for you, you probably couldn’t bare being next to them, let along the sight of them, so what is the connection between condoning to caring, simple, it’s all in the name of a feeling, where because you make me feel a certain way, I’ll condone/put up with the things I don’t like about you, that is until you stop making me feel good, then I’ll stop caring about you, as simple as that.
It’s rather interesting how real caring for someone has nothing to do with condoning what they do, it’s more like, “I’m going to tell you/let you know when you’re not expressing yourself as who you really are”, and you me, but no, this is seen as being an ogre and/or a negative person, thinking why are you always nit picking on everything I do, under the believe that we’re powerless to change ourselves, or is it that we’re too comfortable being in the state we are in, because this is all we know. The answer to that may be all of these above, and I have to admit, it is a hard pill to swallow, when realizing for the first time, that I have had the power to change myself, the things I do and the way I am, all along and didn’t do it, but once you get passed this regurgitating resistance phase and start to see yourself as what you have become, accepted and allowed yourself be and participate in, it becomes easier to accept real care from someone else, to becoming careful as the unconditional expression of who you really are, as care, as life and truly caring for others.
I mean if you ask yourself the questions, how do I care for my partner right now, (the person you’re in a relationship with) and why do I care for my partner right now, for most, you’ll find that the answers you give to yourself are pretty superficial, meaning that there is a reason behind your care for them, and if you’re self-honest, you’ll notice it’s because of something they do for you/have done for you, which is along the lines of how they make you feel, never as two individuals together going through life, keeping each other grounded and stable, outside of being financially dependent on one another, I mean in essence, you can say, that there’s nothing wrong with it per se, for the simple fact that the compatibility with the person we’re in a relationship with, had to be tested and comes from somewhere, but to let you know, there is more than meet the eye, when it comes to unconditionally caring for someone.
And going back to the ogre thing for a moment, a real ogre, is one that’ll let you keep falling and destroying yourself, because they don’t want to lose the comfortability they get from what you do for them, such as myself in past relationships, as long as I was happy, that was all that mattered, at the expense of condoning what I did myself and what my partners did, and them me, so we were like “two tears in the bucket, fuck it”, going back and forth, condoning what each other was doing, to the detriment of our relationship and called it Love. I mean, if it isn’t love, why do I feel this way, but love will make you do crazy things, under the assumption of thinking that you’re going to miss out on something if you don’t do these crazy things/be a certain way to keep your partner, but when you look at it, it’s rather a hard task to keep this act up and going, without getting a headache, because everytime you “show that you care”, they turn right back around and debunk it, and we do the same thing to them, which ends in an argument and then the break up, (And get this) because you Cared about them so much.
To be continued…