So, picking up where I left of in my last post;
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have repelled silence as if it was kill me, where, I felt I needed some form of sound around to cool me down and keep me from going crazy, back and forth from happy to sad, then back to happy in my mind, as a continuous rollercoaster ride of ups and downs, I experienced growing up due to the fact that I kept to myself, when no one wanted to hear what I had to say.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have hated the silence of going into time out and/or being told that it’s quiet time, being that I was a pretty expressive kid and felt as if the world was in the sounds around me, that I needed to experience and get to know, in which I started to mimic the sounds I heard, but was told that was too much.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as I grew up let music take the place of my expression, were I found a form of solace in listening to the different types, styles and genre, that kept me captivated in my mind, in a world of wonder, wondering about the world and instead of investigating how the world really is, then came up with my own assumption through music and created a vision of how I wanted the world to look, which was a tainted view to say the least, that I lived out in the blindness of my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the music I listened to define me, as I used it as the teacher of my life through my imagination, trying my best to follow every word that was being spoken, which only lead me into emotional turmoil, as I had given up my right of Self-Fulfillment and Self-Expression to Music-Indulgence, that would create the personalities I have become.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create different personalities though/from the music I listened to, telling myself that I wanted to be like the person I was listening to, as a wishful day dream that I lived out, until a new artist, with a new album came out, then I would jump on the next bandwagon, without rectifying the previous personality I created, which borough itself inside me, to be brought up later, all the while not realizing what I was doing, and what was going on inside me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I could create a following with the music collection I had, by becoming a DJ, when all I was doing was following around the thoughts in my mind, from personality to personality, because the music I listened to didn’t amount to anything substantial, so all I was really doing was creating slaves to which ever personality I presented myself as, whenever I would DJ to a crowd. Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create slaves to the personality I presented myself as, whenever I would DJ.
To wrap this up; Although the movement inside me to music has changed drastically, from reaction to pure listening, it’s still fairly easy to slip back into this trauma and emotional mayhem to say the least, when following the music, which is why, I make sure at any sign of any movement coming up within and as me, is met with a swift “No I Stop”, then into Self-Forgiveness and Correction, as I now know where this will led me into my past, so I commit myself to standing firm on the foundation of, not letting sound as the music I listen to move me in any way whatsoever, but instead to move myself to the music of Life, the rhythm of the earth as the heartbeat within and as me.
Thanks for reading.