For context start HERE, at Day 505
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become a music fanatic in relations to the way it made me feel, whenever I would listen to it for a period of time in one setting, where I would jump from memory to memory, from emotion to feeling, from reaction to relaxing, never directing myself and what went on as the movements inside me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let music direct what goes on inside me, where I let it define every morsel/fiber of my being (when listening to it), putting me in the mood of the moment, depending on which song was playing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe, that when I would be angry, mad or frustrated, music would calm the savage beast inside me, instead of realizing, all it was doing was suppressing the beast inside, the beast of anger, the beast of frustration, mad at not having a way to deal with these emotions, so but music as a quick fix of sorts, but the main problem would still persist.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use music as a supplement, instead of really looking at, seeing, investigating to get to the root cause and correct my own internal personal problems, such as anger, frustration and madness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that music could destroy the inner me, the part of me that I didn’t want see and face and correct, that I saw in other people and called them my enemy, creating a call to arm, from the type of music, that would make me believe, I had to neutralize a pending threat, which in fact was an act that I allowed my mind to perpetuate as I pawned myself to its beckon call and will.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to my mind telling me that if I don’t deal with certain people, who through their actions show me the nature of my own way, it would be better for me, it would fix the problems existent inside me, so separate yourself from them, which in the end only suppressed the bad/nasty parts of me even more, as I used music as a cover to hide behind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use music as a cover, sort of a defense mechanism to hide behind to not face the real me in the shadows of my mind lurking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use music as a march into my mind, and follow a thought around in my head, like a Drum Major leading a marching band, playing whatever music as directed by this thought, then acting it out to the audience of the world, looking for praise, approval or a simple hand clap would do, and if it didn’t happen, I would become emotional and start judging myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run to the saddest song ever after breaking up with my mate, sitting all alone going through emotional turmoil, then after the water work, think that I’m ready to face the world and do it all over again, claiming that this sappy love song supported me when I was down and out, but only solidified the blame I have projected onto, towards my Ex partner, with no investigating as to why we broke up in the first place.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think when things are going well, want to listen to a more upbeat tempo song to keep the good times rolling, where I would then go out to a club and soak my mind into a party scene, thinking I had no care in the world, which is correct in a way, but not realizing that my mind has given me a back seat to see how sloppy and happy I could be, and when it’s all said and done, I end up with a hangover from the thought I was thinking, that put me under the cover for hours on end.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in being frustrated at something happening or that someone did in my life, that I had no control over in the moment, become angry where I have wanted revenge, so to amplify this feeling I would listen to the grungy dark type music, with the deep bassline and hard kickdrum and snare, because I just wanted to kick someone in the rear, but instead I would just let this anger fester as fear in my mind while bopping my head to a murderous track, when thinking back on what I should have done but didn’t do.
To be continued…