Day 503: Can You Keep a Secret, And Why (Self-forgiveness on Paid Off)

For context, refer to:

Day 499: Can You Keep a Secret, And Why
Day 500: Can You keep a Secret, And Why Pt 2
Day 501: Can You Keep a Secret, And Why Pt 3
Day 502: Can You Keep a Secret, And Why (Self-Forgiveness on Lying)

can-you-keep-a-secret-sf2In conclusion, I’ll do some Self-Forgiveness on receiving something as a form of payment of sorts to keep a secret, to keep my mouth shut.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept things as a form of payment to keep my mouth shut, to not say anything especially to the person in question about what was either said about them or something that relates to them, no matter how much they ask or try to get information out of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in my dream participate in an unspoken acceptance of a crystal pill to keep a secret, to keep my mouth shut, given from my mom’s friend, to not say anything to her husband about her having been at our house (for no reason), when he would come over, where I went back on this acceptance after I was caught red handed by him and began to tell the truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I was young not be able to keep a secret and told my mom that my father took us boys to the movies, as I felt, at such a young age, that everyone should know everything about everything, but that wasn’t how this world existed and still isn’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in doing so, be shunned in a way, by some of my family members, where no one wanted to take me anywhere with them, claiming that I can’t keep a secret, so after a while of being in the ‘dog house’ per se’, I wanted to be trusted so bad, that I did the extreme to my older brother, where;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then wait until my brother was going somewhere and hid behind the third seat in the Van to go with him and show him that I can be trusted, where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump out when we got to where we were going and surprise him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be sworn to secrecy by saying what’s in it for me and accepting whatever my brother gave me, then went back home and said nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from then on see that I could get things out of keeping secrets from others and did so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep secrets from others and in general when accepting things from others, not considering the affect it might have on some that I kept secrets from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within keeping theses secrets face a major consequence later on in life that had partly to do with the break up in the last relationship I was in, from someone that was close to me, who I thought, I could trust, not realizing this is what happens and how it feels, when you perpetuate keeping a secret or payment (of sorts) from others.

So in essence it really never pays to keep a secret especially when the secret is forged by payment, meaning the starting point from which the secret is made, is of manipulation, deceit and spitefulness, so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in others manipulation, deceit and spitefulness in making it my own and paying the consequences for it with the payment I received for keeping a secret.

When and as I see myself, being approached to keep a secret, then offered something to do so as an unspoken agreement for cover up, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand this being a setup of sorts as I have experienced setting myself in a position of consequence that I am still to this day walking through. So, I commit myself to declining the invitation in to more consequence, as this is not a position I will put myself in any longer, but to instead turn the other ear, so to speak.

Thanks for reading.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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