Day 495: A Story of Sounding Self-Forgiveness

sounding-self-forgivenessI never talked so long that made sense to me, let alone period in my life, my conversations with others were short and sweet, with no substance at all, and with myself the only conversations I had was me chastising myself as to why the fuck did I just do this, that and the other, full of judgement, judging myself for my faults, like how gullible I was in chasing after an Idea of happiness with someone or spending my time and money trying to impress someone, I mean the majority of my life was always about other people, in the sense of, doing for them, trying to please them, trying to get close to them and/or be with them etc…etc…etc…, but where was I in this equation, what have I done for myself , why have I always placed myself right outside the loop of things, putting myself second to everyone and everything around me, not as equal, but right up underneath the very thing, I believed I was missing and needed? Come to realize, boy was I sadly mistaken, when along came self-forgiveness.

When I first heard of self-forgiveness, I thought ok let’s try this out and funny thing is, I was used to praying and asking someone or something I never seen, but supposed to have faith in, for things like to keep me safe when I’m driving or don’t let this or that happen to me, not realizing I was the one actually making this and that happen to myself, so whenever I would pray, oddly enough things would happen, but when I started doing self-forgiveness while driving (for starters) things didn’t happen, so I was like ‘wow that’s something’ and from then on I replaced praying with self-forgiveness.

I had hear about sounding self-forgiveness through some of the initial videos I watched from Desteni, but didn’t really understand the implications it had on the physical, as I was sounding out loud self-forgiveness everytime I did it, but not just straight through, only when I would write it out, sounding it at the same time and/or if a thought/memory/picture came up that would lure me into a reaction, then in that moment, I would sound out self-forgiveness.

So for context, I drive a lot and while driving, being on the road for hours, sometime sitting in traffic during the midst of the trip, I find myself dosing off for no apparent reason, then pop back to like, W.T.F. was that, knowing that my mind is constantly going, when looking at advertisement, then analyzing it and so on, makes me dose off, I then apply self-forgiveness in the moment to wake myself up, then a bit later if the traffic is slow, I find myself doing it again, and only at this certain point during the trip do I find this happening to me, in the middle of downtown traffic, and it’s not the point of me being tired, because most of the times, it’s in the morning and I’m fresh, so the other day I found myself dosing off on my way back home, stuck in rush hour traffic, but this time when I did my self-forgiveness, I didn’t stop and kept sounding out self-forgiveness as things kept coming up and up and I kept sounding it out and sounding it out, to where I begin to flow with it, and felt the words I spoke, just rolling off of my tongue.

Surprisingly enough I became bubbled eyed and wide awake, and as I continued, I started to feel the chill factor everytime I would start with the next “And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to…” and kept this up all the way (straight) until I was just about home, did I wow myself with the realization that this really works, sounding self-forgiveness really works, I mean I was surprised at how long I was able to talk to myself that made sense in my life, for the first time in my life, with sounding self-forgiveness.

Looking back on it, at how I was able to do it, was with no thought beforehand, as there has been plenty of time when I’ve told myself that, ok it’s time for me to do this, and in the midst of doing it, I face resistance, so this actually assisted me in more ways than one, being that I realized to naturally get through something requires NO thought, that makes thing easier than thinking about what one has to do before hand, so this is something, I’ll start implementing in my process, that I see would cut down on the resistance I face when doing certain things process related.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how cool sounding self-forgiveness (straight) really is, until I did it the other day while driving and dosed off a bit, sitting in rush hour traffic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not sounded self-forgiveness out loud, straight for a period of time, during my process, outside of writing it out as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought that writing self-forgiveness out and sounding it as I was writing it was enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe that I wouldn’t have much to say, if I just sounded out self-forgiveness without writing it at the same time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not had any conversation with myself for a period of more than 10 minute at a time, that made sense to me, and that was assisting and supportive to me and my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have had the idea of sounding self-forgiveness without writing it as well, would be hard for me to do, to come up within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought that I didn’t have the vocabulary, knew enough words to continuously sound self-forgiveness in one setting, without jumbling up on my words and/or repeating myself, but I did it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have put too much thought into the point of sounding self-forgiveness, when thinking about it, as a reason I never did it before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that just sounding self-forgiveness, here and there when thoughts/pictures/memories come up that would lure me into a reaction, was enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to the only type of conversation I would have with myself, was in chastising myself for something that I did, that was unbecoming to who I was, in times before I knew about self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the gift of sounding self-forgiveness, until I gifted it to myself the other day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have always thought before doing something, then faced resistance doing it, because I would over think it, instead of realizing the gift in Not thinking about what I have to do and just do it, as a natural occurrence throughout my day, that’ll make it easier for me to get through it.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that with sounding self-forgiveness out loud straight, have more gifts and realization than meet the eye, which helps one to see things more clear and keeps one out of one’s mind and focused Here.

So, for me, it’s like sounding self-forgiveness was something I ran into without thought, at a time when needed, that opened me up to wanting to explore it more in application, although I’ve known about it, but never did it straight, it’s almost like freestyle rapping but with words that makes sense, that assist you in stopping your mind and changing you/me.

I commit myself to continue exploring me through sounding self-forgiveness out loud straight by itself, to get to the point where my words match my writing and my conversation are uplifting and supportive to my process as well as others walking their process, because this will be practicing what I speak, and no longer sleep walk in my mind.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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