Day 491: Write About It, Fight About It

write-about-it-fight-about-itIt’s not a pretty picture, when your past comes back to haunt you, but the haunting is only a hunt when you put up a fight, not wanting to see you in the looking glass through the words you put down, in writing out your binary code, to make adjustments as need, when you go to write it out, the fight begins. The scribbling in frustration on a piece of paper to the smacking down on the keyboard, in disgust of who you have become, what you have accepted and allowed yourself to do with your life/in your life, that takes the cake from the destruction you see around you in this world, because we just look at it and turn a blind eye, saying to ourselves, oh well it’s not me, so it doesn’t matter, but when the matter become personal, by your own hands, that’s when it effect’s you the most, the pushing past the resistance with a frown on your face, saying in your mind; “Oh my God I did this to me”, facing the reality of what lies beneath, deep within Human Nature, the Nature of you, as you struggle with yourself to read the words you just put down on the scrolls of “Change in me”, when you began to really ‘Write About It’, you ‘Fight About It’.

What should be seen as an experience of epic proportion is often misconstrued as a waste of time to fall in line with life’s true design. What’s the necessity, what’s the reason I need to write myself out, I’m ok just the way I am and don’t need changing, is what’ll come up when you sit down to write about it, the lack of understanding me is reason enough, but who is this me that I’m trying to understand, is another question fated to be asked, when not wanting to see what I have become, and so on and so forth, but once you do start what comes forth is the realization that I really never knew me at all, and all the things I participated in was just normal occurrences, being that I’ve seen everybody else doing the same as me throughout my life, so why is nothing happening to them, as a (Classic Justification).

There’s this Gospel song that goes; “It’s me, it’s me, It’s me oh lord, standing in the need of Prayer, but why is it that after you get finish Praying, the next Sunday Morning you end up singing the same ole song again, (then rinse and repeat), because the week before you still participated in the same ole shit again, then become down on yourself that nothing ever change, because we’ve become accustom to what we perceive as the quick fixes in our life, and that’s exactly why things aren’t going right, I mean I lived this for years and nothing ever changed, and no matter how much faith I had, the Savior never came.

I was then told that you have to change yourself, to be your own Self-Savior, but what that meant to me was fuck everybody else, because I didn’t know how to be my own Self-Savior, there was no tool to use or any lay out on how to save myself, so I just winged it, I mean by that time, I was tired of Religion and something had to give, I mean to me anything else would be easier than going to sleep waking up scared every morning, knowing that I was sinning and was this the day the Rapture was coming, so every sound and bang I heard had me {{shaking}} in my boots, I hated that feeling, so I told myself fuck it, let’s try the other side, which was a little bit better, but not a solution, fascinatingly enough going to the other side lead me to the solution and that’s when I found Desteni.

This is what resonated with me and I immediately took to it, but was still a bit weary, so I did things at my pace (half assed) and experienced some change in me, but came to a stalemate / stagnant within my process, then asked for an overview and realizing that I wasn’t using the tools of Writing and Self-Forgiveness effectively.

So back to the drawing board, of taking each thought that comes up in my mind daily, each point as the obvious that I am still faced with, writing out my strengths and weaknesses, dissecting them and going back down the rabbit hole to see where it all started, in which I STARTED TO REALIZE, when you Really Write About It, you start to ‘Fight About It for real, and that’s when you know you’re getting somewhere.

And the fighting being the resistance to facing where the points all started from, then walking my way back to the present day, and in the meantime with a frown of disgust on my face, why’ll smacking the keyboard, for every word I put down acuminating to the secret design in my secret mind that I didn’t want to see, So for this:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to while writing me out, fight with myself because of the things that was coming up, that was hard for me to see, but pushed through it with a frown on my face in disgust and smacking down on the keyboard with my finger, because of what was opening up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to face resistance when writing myself out, resistance being the shaking of my head No and saying to myself I don’t really have to do this, I’m doing enough, but if I was doing enough I wouldn’t have this resistance coming up, would I.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that this resistance is a sign that I am hitting a point, which means that I should keep going.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe, that there is no way that I could have done this, that and the other, think this thought, that thought and that thought, as I was writing myself out, while realizing, who else could have, other than me. No one but me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have hidden points with in me for so long, that when they start coming up and out, it was hard for me to face, but still I am pushing through them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the longest, think that just because I saw others doing the things that I have done throughout my life, that it was ok/normal and that’s the way things work, not at that time realizing the programmed design in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, to justify to myself, myself doing the things I did, because others have done them, and nothing is happening to them, using them in my mind as an excuse to keep being the old me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay too much attention to what others are doing, instead of paying attention to and correcting the things I have done to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight with myself about what I write about myself, going round’ after round until I get through one part of one point.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize, the more I keep writing the easier the resistance will become, the easier facing myself will become.

These are the things I/we often face when getting down to the nitty gritty of writing about it, which in turn we fight about it. So,

When and as I see’ myself writing about it and feel this fighting me, coming up with in and as me, as the resistance to not wanting to push through it, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand the more I keep writing and opening up points the easier it’ll become, the lesser the resistance with be, that will soon enough dissipate, so that I can get to the point of Transcendence.

I commit myself to sticking to writing about me, to push through all resistances I face, to handle and correct the points within me that made me, me, to change me from who I have become to who I really am as life. And;

I commit myself to realizing that practicing writing = Change in me, therefore I continue writing me out and no longer accept and allow myself to fight about it.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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