Day 490: A Sense of Belonging

sense-of-belongingNowhere have I really felt at home, trapped within the space between my ears, unable to hear the gears of the System shifting into time, slowly, erasing the mind I had, way back then, when things wasn’t so easy to forget, but eventually I forgot who I was and created a burial plot for me to lie in, in my mind, where I now have to go digging up and uncovering layer upon layer, dimension after dimension of waste time to find out who I really am as life.

Separated in places of belonging, segregated from each other, but saying to one another; “What are you doing over Here”, go back to where you belong, on your side of town, accepted, swallowed and pushed down within me to fester, creating a drive within me to be some other place than were I was, all because I had no sense of Belonging. Is it wrong for me to dream, I mean I seen it too many time before, with those that have gone before me, accepting the hand out of 40 acres and a mule, while the rest of the world is off limits, but not limited to this text I’m writing, times have changed, but yet we remain the same, separated in thought, word and deed within me, unable to see and answer the unanswered question of who am I, where do I fit in, is there anyone out there that gets me for me?

Going from place to place, from group to a different group of friend, thinking that everytime you leave someone behind the problems will stay there too, but who knew that it was I who created this divide and got lost in the middle of space and time, looking for a sense of belonging, I’m free, I belong to no one, but the energy within me, obviously, unable to see that the thrill is in the chase there of, along with the consequences that’s shoved into this package of lies we lie down with every night and believe before we arise in the morning, wondering where am I.

With No Where to fit in, I’m Now Here with me, being that all my friends are off doing them, and me wondering if I ever belonged with them in the first place, just in case life led me down the wrong path, then half way down the road, put me onto another track, I was once told, that the fact still remain, I belong to me, only if I realized and changed, not to the energy seeping out of my pores that I became a whore to, then blew all my money, because I thought a sense of belonging was to by someone friendship and laugh at them when things became funny, but no joke that life soon faded as I continue to hope for, look for a sense of belonging somewhere to fit in, I mean half the time I couldn’t stand the skin that I was in, so I tried to blend in with the masses who was moving too fast, I really thought stampedes was a thing of the past, until I found myself tumbling down into the gutter and had to pick myself up, with nothing left to do but stand the fuck up.

At times it was ruff, but that didn’t stop my pride, I remained calm on the outside, while screaming on the inside, I never realized that my sense of belonging was somewhat of a lie, being that my definition of “Belonging to”, was giving up my rights, giving my power away to someone despite, knowing that I was being controlled because I belonged to them, as a pawn in the game of chess taken by all the Kings Horses and Men. Confused and tattoo with a sign in my mind, stating that I’ll belong to you, if you only show me time.

So My Sense of Belonging was an abdication of Me, submitting up my willpower to gain a seat at any roundtable of any groups that would have me, I still never fit in and walked away sadly, looking for, searching for my sense of belonging again, not realizing in common sense I belong to me, to life as me, I needed to find myself – that all I needed to do was to take that first step, towards my Journey To Life and now I’m a work in progress, instead of looking to belong, I became a part of what’s best for all life as me as everything as the earth, for this is where I belong to since the date of my birth.

Thanks for reading.

About carltontedford

In Process.
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