Have you ever noticed the day after any Holidays, it seems as if it was all for nothing, I mean the energy is gone and we’re left stuck looking at these flimsy ass presents we got to pass the time away, then the next day, we go right back to work? I mean if you could bottle all the energy of the Holidays up and use it as electricity, we wouldn’t have to rape the earth for its resources, but yet and still we would still find a way to do so and sell it to each other as if we created it, just like water, I didn’t make it, but I found a way to bottle it up and sell it to you, with your acceptance.
What are you doing for Thanksgiving, what are you doing for Christmas, what are you doing for New Years, excites/awaken the energy within us from a pictured ideal of having fun, a joyous time. They say you get the best deals around the Holiday Season, the time of year you can really make your family happy and obtain the energy that comes with it, excitement equals energy, equals a good time with family and friends, but only right before the Holidays, because afterward I turn back into a working Ogre with no energy, until my next paycheck.
The energy you get from getting a break from the madness can be overwhelming to the point eating too much literally, falling asleep and missing out on the free time you have, then YOU WAKE UP mad that you overslept and thinking about having to go back to work, was it all just for nothing?
For as long that I could remember around the Holidays I would feel ecstatic with energy, full of excitement that this was a time that everyone would be nice to me and happy in general, the togetherness was what I longed for, where I felt a sense of belonging and acceptance and didn’t want to lose this feeling, so I loved the Holiday Season until afterward, when it would all stop, back to reality, I mean this would happen every year as I was growing up, where I would have all this energy built up within me, in hope that after the Holidays things would remain the same, but it didn’t, every time, people would go back to being their old selves and the world wouldn’t change.
So the other day I felt this energy of old coming up within and as me, when asked what are you doing for Thanksgiving, where I start reminiscing, bringing up memories of when I was a child, having Thanksgiving dinner with my family, which let’s say is ok (per se), there’s nothing wrong with the Holidays from the perspective of the comradery you get when spending time with family and friends, but this energy that possessed me was a buildup of sorts, of having all these positive, happy feeling thoughts coming up in my mind, just to later on after the Holidays be let down and back to the same old shit different day type thing, as I’ve experienced in the past, and once I realized it I didn’t like it, because I knew the reactions it would lead me into, on this emotional rollercoaster of ups and down, being happy to being sad, so to stop myself from experiencing and chasing after this positive to negative energy, Here I’ll do some self-forgiveness to release myself from it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase after the energy surrounding the holidays, before the holidays feeling happy and giddy, then after the holidays is over, feeling sad that this energy I had didn’t last.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the thought if the coming holidays excite me, bringing up this positive feeling within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look forward to the holiday season, with excitement, thinking about the time I will have off of work, too much to the point of forgetting at time what I have to do in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring up old memories of when I was a child and having Thanksgiving dinner with my family, that brought on this happy go lucky positive energy feeling, the other day when asked what are you doing for Thanksgiving.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not just be, enjoy and remain stable throughout the holiday seasons, but react with this excessive excitement energy to the up and coming times, which would then lead to the downside to this positive feeling, where I would then feel down and out when the holidays were over, as the experience of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt bummed out, leading up to the holidays, if I didn’t have no one to spend them with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not just enjoy the company of me whenever I had to spend the holidays alone, but would go into being an emotional wreck with all these thoughts of; no one loving me, no one caring about me, and the backchat of ‘fuck em, I don’t need them’, then find myself calling them and telling them happy holiday.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I’m loved when others reach out to me during the holiday season and fed off of that energy, as long as I could to make me feel better about myself and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create conflict in my mind and in person at times, with those that didn’t reach out to me. And so on and so forth…
So you see the energy surrounding the holidays can be very extensive, as it was for me, to the point of experiencing emotional turmoil, from happy to sad to reacting to creating conflict to having a bad time on your time off, making the day after the Holiday Season the worst, then going back to work with a chip on your shoulder, so;
When and as I see myself experiencing this energy coming up within and as me, surrounding the holidays, where, I take myself on an emotional rollercoaster ride of sorts, going from positive feeling energy to a negative emotional energy, then back to positive and so on, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand this energy is not who I am, but what I have define myself to be, for so long throughout my life, that has affected me dramatically throughout my day to day living, leading up to and after the Holiday Season, where I would then experience the self-induced let down period everytime, eventually taking it out on people in my world and reality, which is a relationship breaker.
I commit myself to being the me of stability, grounded-ness without chasing after this energy I know oh so well, throughout the Holiday Season, and to not allow myself to react in anyway whatsoever to the perceived time I will be having, but to walk this time out of my mind and Here with everything and everyone else.
I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing myself to be possessed by these positive and negative energy experiences, leading up to, during and after the Holiday Seasons, but instead to unconditionally enjoy myself and the time I’ll have with me first and others that are around.
I commit myself to letting go of all past memories of the experience of me during the Holiday Season, unconditionally, as bring them up would only perpetuate a reaction from me and ‘I can’t go for that’,
So I commit myself to stop falling for the energy tricks my mind try and pull as a wool over me, veiling me from being, enjoying and expressing myself, Here, as who I really am, during this time of years, so within that I commit myself to being, enjoying and expressing myself, Here, as who I really am, during this holiday season, without the need for energy.