Day 478: Knowing That I Can Vs. Doing What I Can

knowing-that-i-can-vs-doing-what-i-canWhy is it that in the midst of a conversation we say; “I know right” and then turn around and say; “But what do you mean”, as if we really knew what the other person was talking about in that moment, thing is, were not listening to what the person is say, but thinking about what we want to say when the person is finish, so in order to expedite to the completion of what they’re saying, we say; “I know right” as a prequel to the interjection that’s about to happen. (Just a side note)

Most of the times the ‘I know’ comes after being told by a friend/associate or family member: You should be or should have been doing…, as a correction to what one has or hasn’t been doing/done, being that this person sees and perhaps knows of your intended potential, hence; I know’, that I can, but since we’re so inundated with information, slogans and saying, we believe that knowing is the battle, leaving no room for doing what I can or might I say, doing what I know that I can, but don’t, and leave it up to change that someone else will pick up our slack. Not happening.

Lip service was all I existed as, I knew that I could do more than what I was doing, but as long as people was listening to me, I felt I didn’t have to do anything, out of the belief that I was handing them the secrets to life/surviving, as I knew it and even that, I did half assed, I mean I knew what it took to get things done, but didn’t do it and just left it to others to do it for me, in a way where I would just sit back in hopes that since I gave them the know-how, they would be indebted to me, which turned out a miss, because now that they knew how to get where they were going, they didn’t need me anymore and time and time again I would look for the next person who I could take under my wing (per se), as if I really knew how to do things, but didn’t.

Within that what I see was a form of laziness, where ‘doing was such a task to me, I just wanted the easy life, the easy way out, and so at every turn I would take it. What was interesting was when I got to the point of forcing myself, having to do what I can, the cross reference was things working out, but didn’t realize at the time how easy and quickly I would accept and allow my mind to get bored with let’s say, working at a job or doing anything that would better me as a person, ground me, keep me focused on maintaining a life for myself. I always felt that I needed a break, and that break ended up breaking my self-well, so whenever I felt I had enough money, that was it, I was done doing what I can and told myself that I did all I could, which was really nothing compared to having to survive a life time, out on my own.

Knowing too much can be destructive, if not lived, if you don’t do anything with what you know, especially while knowing that you can, but don’t, it’s pretty fascinating how some of the smartest people in the world are bums on the street, so what’s amiss here? The miss is not doing what one knows how to do, which screams ‘Given up’, ‘Giving in’, throw in the towel when faced with a crisis, I mean everybody else have done it, so why not me, but oddly enough my worst case scenario is losing everything and becoming a Bum on the street, knowing what I know, knowing that I can, and losing the drive to Do what I can, and it starts with leaving everything you know for a Good time, I mean that’s what happened to me, where I left my job, sabotaged all my relationship, and found myself sleeping in my car, feeling sorry for myself.

After I had had enough “Fun”, I told myself that enough was enough, at which time the hard part started, because I started seeing what I was doing to myself and how far down the rabbit hole I dug as a burial site for my self-well, which forced me to scratch my way back to the surface, well myself out of this slump/this dump hole, which was like going upstream in a boat with no paddle, but what got me through this point in my life, was that I kept doing what I can, acting on what I know, until I got to somewhat of a point of stability and that’s when I started my process, which opened up a whole new level of Knowing Vs Doing.

Once I started my process, I inundated myself with a surmountable amount of knowledge and information that initially I though need to be spread and everyone would love me for it, lol, boy was I mistaking, after I got over that trip, I though, well as long as I was reading the knowledge and information, that was enough, but it wasn’t enough, because I still faced the mental tantrum that I already had/existed as, and know things was becoming much worse because I knew what I was looking at and still not doing what I can to correct myself.

Funny enough, for months on end, at times, I would beat myself up about, ‘what in Hell did I get myself into’, not realizing that I was in a way actually carving out a piece of heaven for myself, in learning/doing/applying/changing me, all I had to do was the Doing part, in which I faced a massive amount of resistance at every turn, but this time I had to stick with it, because there’s nothing to go back to, I mean you can try but find yourself facing you 10 times worse and that’s not something I want to or will do under any circumstances, so here I stand doing what I can, with what I know and will no longer accept and allow myself to go back to knowing that I can, but not doing what I can, because inactions causes refraction that create ripples throughout existence, making life that much harder for you, me and all in humanity to walk through, as I am still a work in progress. (Note to self) Don’t just talk, Listen and Do.

Thanks for Reading.


About carltontedford

In Process.
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