Day 475: Mind Hoarder

mind-hoarderIt’s a mess in here, like opening the closet and things falling out on your head, as your head is where you hoard all your thoughts, then open up your mouth as the closet door to your mind and watch all the shit that comes out of it. It’s been over due for a spring cleaning in my mind, being that I still have things hoarded in my mind since spring time 2006, that I haven’t fully cleaned out/released through self-forgiveness as of yet that’s still surfacing as I continue peeling back the layer of my mind, looking for who self is/who I am as life, so; Hi as of now, I’m still a Mind Hoarder.

Ok so, I posed a question the other day, in asking for perspective on how I would I be able to remember/retain, understand and comprehend more of what I read, hear and see, in relation to knowledge and information, the essential things of substance in my life, like if I listen to an interview or read a document or something, when I needed to bring it back up for cross referencing, it would be there, where I wouldn’t have to say; “What was that again” and go look it back up. I got some pretty cool responses, that I’m applying, but when going in a little deeper, I realized that I still needed to make more space in my mind to retain the things I would like to remember, that would help me along in my process.

At times we think (which was my problem) that we’ve gotten over a particular person, place or thing, then sometime later, even years, they pop back up out of No Where, meaning they’ve always been here, in my mind buried underneath a lot of other “dirty laundry” that needs to be aired out, in order to make room for the things I really want to remember, I mean it’s cool to see how others dissect a point in the moment, where I tell myself that’s something I want to be able to do on my own, but it will take a lot of practice and me to clean out more of the clutter in my mind to get to that point, which take more self-introspection, more investigation and more correction on this point in particular, so for this;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hoard, hang on to memories of my past that’s taking up room/space in my mind from being able to remember things of substance that’s essential to my process and me cross referencing things in the moment when faced with any given point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a mind hoarder in having all these thoughts cluttering up my mind, which stops me from remembering/retaining, understanding and comprehending things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from the information I read, see and hear to the point of thinking/perceiving/believing that I’m not going to be able to remember this that and the other, because I already got too much going on in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a selective memory, where instead of being the selector of what I really want to remember, I let my mind pick and choose, bring up past memories as far back as I let it go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories from my past to bring up at unforeseen times, instead of letting them go unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live the word present completely, when reading, hearing and/or seeing things that I would like to remember/retain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that some things are too much to comprehend, as this was a trait/pattern that I’ve created for myself growing up, where I would just give up on the information I’ve heard, because in the moment other things would be coming up in my mind that I would let take precedence over the subject matter at hand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to although I have gotten much better at remembering and comprehending things, is still not at the point I want to be at, and beat myself up about it at times, instead of realizing that all it takes is a bit more time and practice to get to the point I want to be, within that; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want things to just be done right now, for me to understand things right now and be done with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my environment when growing up for not being at the point I wanted to be in relation to comprehending things that I would like to retain, instead of taking responsibility for not remembering things back then.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remember things in the short term, but when it comes to long term, if I’m not constantly going back over the material, I forget it, which opens up another point that I see of not refreshing my memory with the material I’ve already have gone over, so; I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to refresh my memory from time to time, with the things, I’ve already read and/or heard, as this would be a good way to remember things. Yes, so;

When and as I see myself, being a hoarded in hanging onto memories of my past, that takes up room/space in my mind from being able to remember things of substance that I deem essential to me walking my process, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that I need to let go of these past memories unconditionally, by doing more introspection and investigation, to bring up all dimensions of these memories to release them completely, that would make space for things of substance that I want to remember, when reading, seeing or hearing something.

I commit myself to doing more investigation and introspection of these past memories that still comes up from time to time, so to make room for what I really want to remember – to walk them out completely so they no longer return at times I need to bring something else up in my mind that’s relevant to the point at hand.

When and as I see myself, being a mind hoarder in having all these thoughts cluttering up my mind, which stops me from remembering/retaining, understanding and comprehending things, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand, that my participation in these thoughts perpetuates the clutter in my mind and by following them and reacting to them at times, only bury them deeper and deeper within and as me, to not be able to retain new information I come across that I want to remember.

So, I commit myself to stop my participate in these thoughts, stopping my reacting to them, when and as they surface, to create purpose around not only wanting to, but remembering and comprehending the things of substance essential to walking my process, that I want to remember and live them as me.

When and as I see myself, separating myself from the information I read, see and hear to the point of thinking/perceiving/believing that I’m not going to be able to remember this that and the other, I stop and breathe and ask myself why do I keep compromising/sabotage myself like this, as this is the perpetual motion of stuck-ness, I see/realize/understand that everything I read, see and hear is me, which means it’s impossible for me to separate myself from it basically, but do through unawareness, not being present, with breath in the moments of reading seeing or hearing these things, so I commit myself to when and as I am reading, looking at, or hearing something to be present in the moment of doing so, by breathing which brings my awareness to the forefront and my impaired-ness takes a back seat, finding myself able to remember and comprehend the material at hand.

When and as I see myself, having a selective memory, where instead of being the selector of what I really want to remember, I let my mind pick and choose for me, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that the mind is like caged rage, all the time, where as soon as you give it a point of release, it will go crazy, as if it was making up for lost time, then throw you right back into a time loop of its choice. I commit myself to taking directive principle back from my mind, become the selector of all times, selecting what I will and will not accept and allow to slip my mind and what to remember in the moment, in real time, when facing a point, I want to respond to and /or change within me.

When and as I see myself not living the word present completely, when reading, hearing and/or seeing things that I would like to remember/retain, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand, that I’ll never remember, understand or comprehend things, if while listening to and/or reading something, I have something else on my mind, so it behooves me to clear myself completely, before reading and listening to thing, to be able to remember them, so

I commit myself to living the word present as; being completely clear of thought, memory and mind clutter, to focus on what I read, what’s being said and/or what I see in the moment, so when the time comes for me to recall it, I can bring it up no problem and able to talk about what I took from it and realized within it.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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